'AITA for "grounding" my adult sister?' UPDATED
"AITA for 'grounding' my adult sister?"
I (25F) live in a three bedroom apartment with my fiancé (27M). We have a six month old son. My younger sister Mia (fake name; 20F) recently started attending a university that's closer to where I live than both my parents' places. Because she needs to get to class early in the morning, my fiancé and I allowed her to move into our spare bedroom. She's been living with us since January.
There's a set of rules I've been having Mia follow since she moved in, mostly to make sure everyone can live peacefully. One of the most important rules concerns arriving after my son's bedtime (usually between 19h and 20h). Mia is allowed to come home however late she wants, as long as she doesn't make too much noise.
The door to the apartment has an electronic keypad lock, and the one we use also has a normal lock under it. Everyone has a copy of the key, but we all prefer typing in the password. However, the keypad is very noisy, and my son's nursery isn't far from the door. Every time the keypad is used after I've put the baby to sleep, he wakes up.
So naturally, the rule about getting home late includes not using the keypad. Everyone, including Mia, has known about this since day one. At first, we had no problems.
But now that Mia has gotten used to college life, she's been going out at night frequently. This past month, she has arrived home after midnight every Friday and Saturday night. She always forgets the "don't make too much noise" rule, and she has, on multiple occasions, used the keypad. My son wakes up crying every. Damn. Time.
I'd sit her down and remind her of the rule whenever this happened, but she'd continue to do it. My fiancé and I got tired of putting our baby back to sleep because of that, so I changed the password and told Mia she was no longer allowed to use the keypad. She agreed, and promised to try to make less noise.
On Friday night this week, Mia went out with her friends. She came home very drunk at 4AM, and forgot that I'd changed the password. Not only did she use the keypad, she also got the password wrong so many times that she triggered an alarm. I was furious. Not only did my baby wake up crying, but I also got complaints from my neighbors.
The next morning, I told Mia that I'm establishing a curfew: while living with me, she needs to be home by 20h. She won't be allowed to go out at night for the rest of the semester.
Mia put up a fight, saying I have no right to "ground" her (EDIT: I never used that word) like this or dictate what she does with her free time, but I held my ground. I told her she'll be free to do as she pleases when she has her own place and raises her own family. While living with mine, she has to do as I say.
She told our parents about this. Our mother and stepfather are both on my side; our father is on Mia's. He's saying I'm not her mother, and I have no right to treat her like a child. He also thinks it's unfair to do this to her over a drunken mistake. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
puntacana24 said:
NTA - I admit it does sound like a bit of a power trip to “ground” your adult sister, but it is well within your rights to enforce rules when you are allowing your sister to live there apparently for free.
If she wants full freedom to do whatever she wants, she can always rent her own place. If she’s in college she’s definitely old enough to have some responsibility.
ToughDentist7786 said:
NTA, though “grounding” a 20-year old is not really a thing. I think since she can’t seem to function normally when she drinks, on those nights she just needs to crash at a friend’s place. I think next semester she should get a house with some friends. She would just have a much better experience her last two years of school.
friendlily said:
NTA and you've given her way more chances than I would have. I would tell her that if she wakes the baby up one more time, she's out. I can't imagine how annoyed your husband must be that you keep letting your adult sister act like an entitled 16-year-old.
Usual-Reputation-154 said:
INFO: How loud is this damn keypad? I’m failing to understand what noise an electronic keypad can make that is so obnoxious. Can you not turn the sound off or the volume down on it? You are acting like she’s being deliberately loud and rude and screaming late at night when it sounds like she’s just quietly typing in a password at 8 pm
OP responded:
Very. It makes noises whenever something is typed in, as well as another one once the door has been unlocked. And she's not just quietly typing in the password, she's being loud besides that (slamming the door, knocking stuff over, etc.).
And Forward_Squirrel8879 said:
NTA - You are not "grounding her". You are not even "treating her like a child". You are establishing rules and boundaries that she needs to abide by if she wants to continue living in your home. She is free to go live with either of your parents. Or your dad can pay for her to rent an apartment.
Her living with you is purely for HER convenience. If she doesn't feel like the conditions are worth the convenience, she can leave.
Two weeks later, she shared this update:
Before I start this update, I want to recommend reading my comments on my previous post. There were many questions that I was able to answer there. It's very hard to explain my relationship with my younger sister in proper detail, but I will say that, while I love her dearly, Mia has always been a very inconsiderate person.
I have countless examples. She almost didn't attend our cousin's wedding last year because she didn't want to walk to the venue (which was 2 blocks away from our mom's place). We shared a bathroom when we were younger, and she'd insist on having the top drawers because she "didn't want to crouch down", but she was cool with me doing so.
She slept through my college graduation, and didn't apologize for it. I'm bringing all this up now because whenever I asked Mia why she kept forgetting to use her key, her excuse was that looking through her bag took too long and the keypad was quicker. In her head, bothering other people is better than slightly inconveniencing herself.
After I established the curfew, Mia tried different ways to make me change my mind. She'd talk about not being able to cancel her tickets for Party X, or about the fun her friends had at Party Y. She'd show me her "developing" LinkedIn profile, and tell me she had learned her lesson and would be more responsible.
At first, I really didn't want to have to kick her out (which many of you suggested), but I have limits. A few days ago, I heard her complaining to her friends on the phone about her "bitch of a sister" who wouldn't let her do anything. Later that day, I asked her which of our parents she planned on moving in with. Cue more fighting.
I managed to tell her that I had no obligation to continue housing her (for free!) if she couldn't respect my family. Mia could either move back in with our parents or continue living with me for the low price of respecting my infant son and stop complaining about it.
We did have a very productive conversation afterwards. I managed to get a lot off my chest, as did my sister. Mia apologized for everything. She admitted she'd been selfish, promised she'd make efforts to change and mature.
I'm a strong believer that people can change, which is why I'm not kicking her out right now. But I made it very clear that Mia is on thin ice, and the next time she does anything like this will be the last time she ever sees the inside of my home.
The curfew will continue until the end of the semester, as originally planned. My father also agreed to pay for Mia to go back to therapy. It helped her a lot when she was younger, so I'm hopeful about the future of this living situation.
I also want to thank those who suggested a white noise machine. My son is not a light sleeper, the keypad is just very loud and startles him awake, but my fiancé and I are still looking into getting one. Anything that helps our baby sleep better is welcome. Thank you!