'AITA for ignoring my half sister because she complains that my tattoo only represents my mom and not hers?'
"AITA for ignoring my half sister because she complains that my tattoo only represents my mom and not hers?"
I (22m) lost my mom when I was 5. My parents had a complicated relationship and I believe my dad was with his present wife before my mom died. If not he moved on very fast because my half sister (16f) was born less than a year after my mom died. I was 6.
My relationship with my half sister's mom was never a close one. I resented her and my dad for making things move so fast. And I resented her attempts to parent me. Mostly times where she challenged me on why I denied she was my mom too.
Or when she put a limit on how many photos of mom I could have in my room at any one time. She accused me of keeping them to hurt her which wasn't true but she felt hurt seeing them and realizing I kept them close.
Dad and I drifted apart entirely. He knew how I felt and didn't want to face it and I was still so mad at him for turning my world upside down after mom's death had already done it. My half sister and I had a decent relationship despite all that. We were never super close but we were okay.
When I was 16 my half sister's mom was diagnosed with a pretty awful neurological disease. A terminal one. She's declined a lot over the years. I've tried to be supportive of my half sister but I know she has some resentment toward me because I have not helped care for her mom and once I moved out I cut ties with my dad and her mom but kept in touch with her.
Last year I got a tattoo. I'd always wanted one that honored mom so I got an owlbear because I remember my mom being wise and loving. Her name's also included along with a small heart. My half sister has seen it on social media a little.
On my page and the tattoo artist's page. When she first saw the fully healed tattoo she asked me about it and asked why I just had my mom and not both mine and hers. She told me her mom raised me longer than my mom did and her mom was dying.
I explained that my relationship with her mom wasn't a good one and she was never my mom. My half sister didn't like my answer and she pushed against it repeatedly and brought it up repeatedly.
It reached the stage last month where I was tired of the fight and so close to telling her I really don't care about her mom's feelings or what's going on with her. I knew given everything that would be too far so I started to ignore her.
She refused to drop it and ignored my boundaries and attempts to change the subject. When she realized I was ignoring her she started calling me names and asking how I can be such a loveless ass. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA sorry about your loss and sorry your dad is such an AH you deserve better stay away from them and found your peace ❤️
CartographerOwn9535 (OP)
Thank you. I miss her lots still but I know she'd want me to be happy and I am. My life is pretty good right now despite everything.
This may be harsh, but perhaps it will help her understand YOUR point of view. Ask her, right now while her mom is actively dying, how she would feel if dad brought another woman into the home X amount of time after she passes and a new kid was born. Would new woman be HER mother?
She should get the point. I understand dumping that on a teen going through her parent’s death is really cold. But - that’s the point. That’s what they have ALL done to you, for over a decade. And sometimes, there’s selfish and entitled people that cannot understand someone else unless and until it finally happens to them.
Why would you have her mom represented? 16 is not a child so she must have noticed tbe divided between her mom and you? As for her mom being a mom to you longer that your mom, thats just disrespectful to you and your mom and again a 16 year old should know how respect works. Tell her she's welcome to get a tattoo honoring her mom but her mom will never be inked on your body.
NTA..time to cut her off. .She is 16 not six. Her entitlement isn't ur problem. She needs to understand u have had a different mother. A simple concept.
CartographerOwn9535 (OP)
It should be a simple concept and it's one kids even at 5 or 6 get. But she still thinks I owe her mom something.
NTA. Having said that, she's a kid and going through a difficult time. Everything you're doing is right. And while she is wrong, it's understandable.
CartographerOwn9535 (OP)
I know and that's why I stepped back before I said something that would be more hurtful. She doesn't need to hear me say how I feel about her mom.
NTA, I would tell her once this topic I will not discuss with you further and I will not be in touch if you keep bringing it up or harass me for it. I’m sorry your mother is dying I understand the feeling but she is not my mother and if you cannot understand or respect my choices we will not be in contact until you do. That’s it. Say it once and then stay away if she disrespect the boundary.
NTA. Like at all. But your father and stepmother were definitely AH for not allowing you to grieve in the way you needed to. Having lost my own mother, my heart hurt for little you and I was about ready to smack your stepmom for limiting your photos of your mom– how incredibly self-centered and cruel.
I am not surprised that her daughter is displaying that same self-centeredness and lack of respect for your autonomy and boundaries– especially as she is young and anticipating the loss of her own mother.
You were right to go low contact to protect both your peace and the relationship you have with her, though you may need to disengage entirely. It’s far easier to lean into anger toward you than to be sad about her mom– she can fight you, but she cannot fight that illness.
Plus, it’s almost guaranteed that your no-contact father and stepmom are fueling that anger right now. Your half-sister does need a support system the same way you did, but not at your expense. Perhaps she’ll eventually realize the truth and parallels of your experience and you’ll be able to foster a healthy relationship as adults. But right now, this is just sad.