'AITA for snapping and telling my sister’s friend that she's 'just a baby maker'?'

"AITA for telling my half-sister’s best friend that she’s 'just a baby maker'?"

I (29F) and my husband Lex (29M) do not have kids. I never really thought much about it before especially since I never cared about getting married but then I met Lex who is the love of my life. We've been together for 7 years and married for about 3. My half-sister Becca (30) has been married for a year.

Becca has a best friend Ann (30F) who went to the same college as us. I never quite clicked with Ann especially after college and things got worse after Becca’s wedding. Ann basically bullied me the entire time.

During that time I met Ann's husband Ben(32) who considers himself an “alpha”. In a convo with Lex, Ben openly said that he wanted a big family and said that vasectomies were “against gods will and took away your manhood."

When asked what he would do if something happened to Ann he said, "if she dies, she dies" saying that he wouldn’t have time to mourn because he would be busy as a single father. They have 6 kids and Ann avoids BC because she believes it’s “toxic”.

Last weekend I went to Becca's house for a small party. There are 2 important things to note: 1-Becca didn't know about Ann's behavior toward me since I had shared it with her after and while she offered to talk to Ann I turned it down because I was dealing with stuff.

2-That stuff was that about 6 months ago I lost my first child at 21 weeks. My pregnancy was already complicated and it became life-threatening. I won’t get into details but because of this experience I can never have kids—it's a huge health risk. I also can’t use BC as it negatively affects my health and worsens conditions I have.

I had to stop years ago because of this. Lex decided to get a vasectomy because he didn’t want me to face any more pain or surgeries and he was “scared of losing me”. This was his choice alone.

It’s been tough. Lex is the only man I’ve ever wanted to have a family with but we’ve decided to foster to adopt in the future as we still want to have a family and know there are so many kids in need. I shared this only with close family and unfortunately I gained a bit of weight during this time. While I'm working on getting back on track it hasn't been easy.

At the party I kept away from Ann but she made a comment about how I’ve “grown.” I let it slide but it seems like she overheard me talking with someone about what happened to me. While we were all eating she loudly said how sorry she was about my loss. She added that she wished I had been aware of the risks of BC and hoped I could try again with the right diet. I f-ing lost it at that point.

I snapped back with “At least my husband cares enough to keep me alive, you’re just a baby maker and that’s not the flex you think it is.” I also said that she had “cult mentality” for wanting so many kids (they both want 12+). Things got heated and they ended up leaving.

Now I’m questioning if I went too far. Some people say I was too harsh because she cares (she had some issues with pregnancy as well) while others said I was justified. So AITA?

In response to people's comments, she added some updates to her post:

-Someone mentioned about her maybe being an abusive relationship. I honestly would not know (and hope she isn’t) but I do know she’s wanted this lifestyle since I’ve known her. She’s of the “men need to be men” trad wife mindset. Her main goal was to spread her genes because she considered them to be perfect, whatever standard she means by that I have no clue of.

-my baby wasn’t planned and while I don’t take BC we used protection every time. It just happened. And I still have the ability to have kids, but I risk dealing with what I went through again which nearly ended me. Surgery was an option but Lex wasn’t okay with that because I “had already gone through enough and it was easier to get a vasectomy."

I only found this out because of us getting pregnant accidentally and apparently my doctors wouldn’t have been able to know beforehand. I’m not in therapy to deal with how much this has affected me yet but I will be soon. Kinda upset that I didn’t think of this in the first place because this could have been avoided.

-I also just found out about Ann and her pregnancy issues through Becca. She hasn’t said if she’s upset but she did explain that part and said “if you said what you thought you needed to say, then it is what it is.

Everyone said something and that’s it.” We kinda haven’t talked since minus her asking me something unrelated to this. I’m not happy with that as well because while Ann hasn’t been nice to me, that’s been Becca’s ride or die for a very long time.

-some people mentioned that I should have stood up to Ann before this and I have. It was always brushed off or made into a joke. Hence why I just stood away from her. I also dont care if that’s the lifestyle she chose. I have so many people in different types of relationships and family styles, my family included.

So long as it’s consensual and it’s not hurting anyone, go nuts. I don’t think less of trad wives or stay at home moms. Becca’s mom was a stay at home mom and played a huge part in helping my mom with babysitting and such. And I say trad wife because that’s what Ann calls herself. Everything I’ve said isn’t my opinion, it’s both Ann’s and Ben’s exact words.

My problem with Ann isn’t her family life, it’s that I really didn’t want my life displayed that way and I kinda feel like she was blaming me for what happened. I might be reading too much into it, but what she said hurt more than anything that’s ever been said to me.

-one of the other reasons I got so upset was that when she said everything she looked to her husband and he smiled/laughed a bit. This made Lex just as upset and apparently he was going to speak up but then I let loose and said everything. It’s very out of character for me and I didn’t even feel vindicated. I was stuttering the whole time and had a full blown panic attack on the way home.

We had to pull over so that I could get myself grounded. Lex has always wanted to speak up but I just let it be. And while it wasn’t planned, that was still my baby who I wish I could’ve protected and I felt mocked. Seeing them speak about me so casually in front of everyone just hit different this time.

-someone mentioned that I was pointing out that not getting a vasectomy was not caring for your wife. That’s not what I meant.

When Ben and Lex had that conversation, Ben had made it very clear that is how he felt, that “life moves on”, and Lex felt super uncomfortable about it, especially since the conversation of the group wasn’t going into a serious discussion like that and because he said it and laughed.

He even said it again with Ann around and she went on about masculinity standards and “how we are seeing less real men in today’s society” which again, not what the group was talking about before. Ben’s part I only heard from afar but I heard Ann’s because she said it right next to me.

I do not agree with them at all and I’m of the mind that unless you pay someone’s bill, have a relationship with that person or want to have one, you don’t need to be in their business.

Lex made the decision to get his on his own and we went back and forth about it. My argument was that 1) some times they don’t work as well as you hope 2) he shouldn’t feel obligated to do this 3) that something could go wrong and I didn’t want him in pain. Lex said it was his choice and that’s it. I even brought it up right before he went to get it and he said he wasn’t changing his mind.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Low-Jackfruit6577 said:

NTA She needs to mind her own business and worry about why her husband would say “if she dies she dies” when talking about potentially losing his WIFE god forbid! She does not care, if she did she wouldn’t be publicly saying sh!t about your weight as if it’s the reason for your loss. Your words were harsh but needed.

It’s a reality check for all those around you that don’t see how toxic her husband and by extension her mindsets are.

owls_and_cardinals said:

NTA. Those who think 'she cares' are delusional. All she cared about was exposing private information about you that she only had by overhearing it, humiliating you, and feeling superior.

Nikosma said:

Yes, She was being vindictive. Ann chose a path in life and is spitting out venom, probably because she's not as happy as she portrays. Why is she after you anyway? Like my god, it's borderline obsessive...It reminds me of that whole theory about conservatives wanting progressive friends who are open and kind and thoughtful so they get a break...I dunno...something's up.

But let me tell you, I'm so glad you and your husband have each other, you both sound very supportive of each other. Also, the petty part of me wanted to be the person in the room who stands up and slow claps after you call her a baby maker and its not the flex she thinks it is...

OP responded:

I have some ideas to why she doesn’t like me as well as my mom. I said in another comment that Ann did very well in college but I graduated top of my class. We also have two very different fields and hers was a lot harder than mine, which she has stated many times despite me already knowing it beforehand.

She’s also out of the loop family wise. Becca and I share the same dad (long story short, Becca was not planned and certainly not with my mom. And I’m only just a few months older than her.) but my mom and her mom always agreed to put us first so we always were in each other’s lives. I don’t think I remember drama as a kid because of them.

Ann has said that she thinks that’s “weird” and that my dad should have choose her mom and just support my mom from a distance as it seems “inappropriate” to those on the outside, which my mom heard once and was like “hell no” so she doesn’t include Ann in vacations that she takes Becca and I on, which are very lavish sometimes.

My mom worked hard so she spoils Becca and I sometimes. My dad includes Ann in everything cause of Becca. Those are only reasons I can think of.

twelvedayslate said:

Oof. Leaning towards ESH, though she’s a far bigger AH than you. Ann’s comments were cruel. There’s no excuse for them. But frankly, from what you’ve posted? I wonder if she’s in an abusive marriage. I wonder if it’s truly her choice to not use birth control. I’m very sorry for your loss.

OP responded:

I honestly wouldn’t know if she is as I don’t speak to her at all. What I can say is that she has said she’s wanted to be a trad wife since college. Both of them have huge families and she wanted to a lot of kids because she has “perfect genes” I’m not entirely sure how serious she was but imo she is gorgeous and did very well in college so maybe beauty and smarts is what she meant.

As far as him I honestly do not know. Also thank you. It’s been hard to share and I definitely have more things to work through but hopefully the pain will lessen over time. Just wasn’t ready for it all and for it be that bad.

Mobile_Following_198 said:

ESH. Her: She's the much bigger AH. She 1) shamed you for your weight, 2) made misinformed comments about fertility and BC, 3) and most importantly, talked about your sensitive issues that were not hers to share or discuss at all. You: For what you said. Even if I understand why you said it, there were better ways to handle that. (You only get minor AH points for this from me.)

Also, her issues with pregnancy have nothing to do with her behavior as a person. She doesn't get some free pass at being an AH because she has unrelated struggles.

And OP responded:

I appreciate the honesty. I’m not a confrontational person normally, not out of fear but because I normally just don’t care what people think of me or care to engage. But a lot of emotions came up in that moment and it just blurted out. Even Lex was surprised.

We both talked it over and he said that I was in the right(definitely bias) and also thinks that we should consider therapy so that we can talk about this more and work through losing the baby which I’m 100% for that idea. I’m just really upset at myself for getting that heated.