'AITA for hanging up on my family when my sister just had her baby?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for hanging up on my family when my sister just had her baby?"

I (34,f) have 2 sisters who I'll call Sally (31,f) and Bea (28,f). I am close to both - or thought i was. Bea got married a few years ago and had been having fertility issues. She and her husband finally conceived through IVF and I was ecstatic for her when I found out she was pregnant. There have been a few times over the years where I've felt purposely left out of things.

I was the only one who never got an invitation to Bea's graduation (she thought i wouldn't want to go), when our grandfather passed away they had a big family get together a few days later (I was the only one not invited - they didn't think I'd want to go...again).

When Bea had her baby shower she organized it on a day where she knew I wouldn't be able to attend. Although upset at missing out, I dropped off at my parents a beautiful hamper full of things I'd been buying for the baby and Bea and included a hand made blanket that one of my aunts (recently passed) hand knitted for my little boy when she found out I was pregnant 6 years ago.

Throughout her pregnancy Bea has said that the day she had the baby she only wanted our parents and her husbands parents to visit the hospital and that then they wanted the first 24hrs at home by themselves with no visitors as they have a dog and wanted him to get used to baby first- totally understandable and fine by me.

Bea has had multiple medical complications throughout her pregnancy which has meant she had to have an early C- Section. I spoke to Bea the day before and told her my day was clear (at work but not a lot on) and that if she needed me she knew where I was and that I couldn't wait to hear from her (we didn't know the gender or anything so very excited).

On the day, I get an FB call around 1pm from Bea in which she and my dad introduced me to my beautiful nephew. I was delighted. Bea then handed the phone to my mum as a nurse came in. My mum then informed me that Sally was there....my joy turned into devastation. I asked my mum why I hadn't been invited to the hospital too. She said because I was working and they hadn't thought I'd be able to go.

I told her that was an issue for me to deal with and that if I'd asked, my manager would have let me leave to enjoy the moment with my family, but instead they were all there enjoying that beautiful moment without me...again. I hung up in tears from my mum. I've removed myself from the family group chat.

I spoke to my manager at work who said she would have definitely let me leave for the afternoon and was shocked my family have done that. I messaged my mum afterwards and told her how upset I was and her response was "I'm sorry you feel that way." My manager said she's gaslighting me and said my feelings are absolutely valid. But was I overreacting? AITA for hanging up on my family?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Rough-Medicine1583 wrote:

I'd go LC with all of them because they clearly don't value you as a part of the family. Keep us updated.

OP responded:

I will, thank you.

Mtngirl60 wrote:

NTA. I don’t know why, but I have this feeling Bea is behind a lot of this. It sounds like you had children first and she had struggled. But whatever the reason behind your families, attitude and actions is, I want you to realize that none of it is your fault. They are making active choices to exclude you.

And I know that hurts you very much. And the hard part is that you may never know why. But I have daughters close to your ages, and I would never have allowed something like this to go on.

If you’re having a problem with another family member, you work it out, or you suck it up and go wherever they’re going to be. But I will not exclude someone else because you refuse to deal with whatever your issues are. You are NTA, and you definitely need to go no contact. I would stop calling. I would stop contacting them.

And as much as I hate to say it, they will probably not even notice because they’re already excluding you. This is not how family acts. And when your family tries to gaslight you later on, don’t fall for it. Call them out on this. Tell him that’s BS. You say every time you didn’t think I’d want to go, but you never ask.

So don’t try to pin your attitudes and whatever this exclusionary tactic is on me. And then hang up the phone. Create your own family with your in-laws and your friends who really care about you. The fact that all of us are appalled by your families behavior, as is your own boss should tell you everything you need to know.

OP responded:

I honestly have no idea why they are like this with me. I always thought I had good strong relationships with both my parents and my sisters. I am the eldest of the 3 and when I had my son I was 28, Bea was only 21 (nearly 22) so still quite young do I don't think that I had kids first is anything to do with it.

My partner and my MIL and SIL are livid with how I was treated and have agreed I'm not the AH in any way. I just don't know how to move forward. I'm devastated.

Sweaty_Average4525 wrote:

NTA. This isn't about one missed event, it's a consistent pattern of your family excluding you.

Status-Grocery2424 wrote:

You're not overreacting. The response from my sister to her niece (my 13yo daughter ... THIRTEEN !!! it still makes me see red) was "well that's your opinion" (when my daughter was sharing how much my sister had hurt her feelings).

People show you who they are. Even when it's very hard to accept. I'm sorry, that's really rough. But your sister just showed you unequivocally how she feels. And you can't pretend that didn't happen.

Space_Case_Stace wrote:

NTA. My parents and sister went on a family trip to Yellowstone. They planned the whole thing and I didn't find out until they got back and saw gasp MySpace pictures. I wasn't invited, I wasn't even thought of. I realized it's been that way my whole life. It hurts when you're barely an afterthought.

A little less than a week later, OP shared an update.

First off, I just want to thank everyone for all of your supportive comments and to those who have shared their own stories. I've taken the time to read through everything the last few days. So after Thursday, I didn't hear anything from my family at all until today (Sunday).

I was scrolling through FB and saw that all of my BILs family were at the hospital on Thursday too. So the only people not invited were myself, my SO and my son. I messaged my mother after I saw this and explained how I was now even more upset and asked what I have done. Her response was that I've done absolutely nothing, not to my sister or anyone.

She tried making out that Sally went to the hospital of her own volition which I do not believe. She would not have just turned up. She would have asked. My mum said that because I was working they had assumed I couldn't get time off. I explained how I manage my work is up to me. If they'd asked and I'd declined, that would be another matter entirely.

Anyway, I've told my mother I'm going low contact, how this isn't the first time I've been excluded and that I'm deeply hurt by their actions. So that's it for now. I'm going to focus on my little family and my in laws, who I saw today and were very loving and supportive. Again thank you to everyone for taking the time to read and comment. It meant a lot.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

Sweet-Salt-1630 wrote:

Your family is horrible. Sorry, but are you adopted? I can't understand why they all would treat you this way.

OP responded:

Not that I'm aware of. And I don't understand it either. According to my mum there's no real reason for it so I don't get it.

cold_a--lesschaps11 wrote:

I’m so sorry. I think you are doing the right thing. To be honest with you, I’m afraid you will be opening yourself up to more heartache via how your family will treat your son compared to your nephew. If you think your son won’t notice, you are wrong.

My dad's siblings always treated him like a non-entity even though he was a star athlete and a STEM wiz. My grandparents already an older son, tried for a girl, got my dad, tried for a girl again, got one and forgot about my dad. I noticed. Even though my dads' family treat me me really well I will never forgive how they treated my dad. It hurt to watch.

OP responded

To be honest, my SO mentioned this last night to me about how he thinks that my parents will have alot more to do with my sister and her baby and think my son won't realize because of his disabilities. I agreed with him and think this will happen also. My heart breaks for my son but at the same time, I want to protect him from that kind of toxicity.

Melodic-Yak9176 wrote:

NTA - After reading your original post and even reading your mom’s reply in this update, these people just make assumptions about you. This is their way of not including you in their lives without looking like the bad guys. Going LC is definitely an option. Also, be careful that now there is a baby, you may called upon to start babysitting for free disguised as family time.

gdrom123 wrote:

You don’t need them in your life as they clearly don’t care to have you in theirs. Going LC is for the best at this point. There’s no need to continue to being hurt by them since they show no regard for you.

jrm1102 wrote:

I think you made the right choice here. Protect your peace and focus on that.

Three days later, OP shared another update.

Many of you asked for another update.

Bea contacted me last night. She said she didn't remember ever telling me that no one was allowed at the hospital and that then plan was always for all of her in laws to go and that she had already had a conversation with Sally about her going too.

She said I must have misheard. I gently reminded her that my SO had been sat in the room at the same time she had said "no one at the hospital other than parents" so couldn't see how we'd both misheard that? That the first thing he had said to me when I told him Sally was at the hospital was "she said no one other than yours or BILs parents."

She then said she had been upset that I hadn't reached out to her after the facetime call to check on her and the baby and that she'd refused to 'chase me'. I told her that I had no idea what had been going on, whether she'd been discharged or anything, and that as a new mum I figured she wanted some time which is understandable.

I didn't expect her to chase me. She told me that they've had to go back to the hospital daily since they were discharged as the baby has been poorly. I told her I'm sorry about that - i genuinely am - and that i hope he gets better soon.

She asked me when I'm going to see the baby. I told her I didn't know and that it would depend on an invitation. She told me the invitation is "open" but that she's feeling really sore and bruised at the minute (understandable) and doesn't know how she's going to feel so that I need to put some time aside and check with them first if we did want to go through.

I left at that in the end as it was gone 10pm and needed some sleep. I'm honestly not too sure what to do. I spoke with my SO last night who laid his thoughts and feelings down (total NC) but that he will support me whatever I decide to do.

The internet did not hold back.

then_berr wrote:

Whatever you decide to do you gotta pull back. Spend the time and money on your own family instead.

OP responded:

I plan to do that regardless. It's good to know I have my SO and my in laws on my side at least.

then_berr responded:

Use some of that time on finding some friends cause your family ain't it. You need to grey rock them and create your own village for your kids.

OP responded:

I'm going to. Thank you 😊

ComliqatedRepublix wrote:

Was she planning to lie until you said your SO was present with you when she mentioned the visitor limitations? She's terrible. And the door is open, but you need to call ahead to check. It sounds like whenever you want to visit, they're going to come up with excuses for you not to visit. I would definitely go no-contact. Don’t let them continue to gaslight you. They're terrible people.

OP responded:

It certainly seemed like it until I reminded her SO had been sat in the same room as us. And that was my thought about visiting roo so I'm certainly not going to chase.

HallAccomplished5000 wrote:

I agree with no contact. Don't let them gaslight you. An open invitation but you have to check it is ok first before you go is not an open invitation. Any time you pick won't be a good time.

OP responded:

No and I got that feeling when we were talking last night. I'm just going to leave it for now I think and wait and see whether I do get an actual invitation or not. I doubt I will and I'm not chasing for one either.

Stormandsunshine wrote:

She probably said it like that so that she can blame you if someone asks. "She knows she has an open invitation, she is always welcome. She just never took the time and as sad as that makes me, it was her choice."

OP responded:

More than likely 😞

One week later, OP shared another update.

So I messaged Bea back and told her that when she was feeling up to it, to let me know a day and we would go through. She left me on read and didn't respond. That's fine. I'm letting her get on with it.

As for my mum she's been sending messages and trying to facetime me. I've barely been responding to her messages. I haven't heard anything from Sally or my dad the last 2 weeks. This evening my mum facetimed. I wouldn't have answered it but my son was sat next to me and got giddy when he saw his grandmother pop up on my phone so I did.

She tried to act all normal and nicey nice but I was blunt. I could tell she was miffed at the end of the call that i was still being off with her. After the call I messaged her (probably shouldn't have done but I did and it's done now) and told her that until I got a proper face to face apology that this is the way it's going to be.

She messaged back and said she's apologized loads (she sent that "I'm sorry you feel that way" and one message that did say that she was sorry, but in the middle of all the other waffle that came with it - and nothing face to face) and I told her that she'd tried to gaslight me the first time and only tried to apologize once over a text.

She facetimed me again and told me that she had not tried to gaslight me that she was sorry that I felt that way and that (and I quote) "you just let your feelings get the better of you."

I told her again that no, that's not an apology. That my feelings are valid. She then said she was sorry, turned on the waterworks and told me she couldn't do this anymore and hung up. So....yeah. that's it up to this point. Other than that I've been good. Just focusing on my son and SO and my day to day stuff with work etc.

I've actually been okay and sort of come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have that close knit relationship with my family any more. But that that's okay. I have my SO, my son and my in-laws. They're the ones who need to be the important people in my life now I doubt there'll be another update now but thank you to everyone for taking the time to read and comment. It's really helped 😊❤️.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Deep_Rig_1820 wrote:

OP, tbh, you never had .......

"to have that close knit relationship with my family any more."

You just now take back your dignity and grew a backbone. Good for you!!!!

I wish you the best. It is important to keep the people close that support you unconditionally.

OP responded:

And to be honest, I feel better. I've stood up for myself to her face and feel great actually. But I'm so done with them now. Time to focus on my little family and be whole ❤️

Sweet-interview5620 wrote:

Can I just advise you tell your son’s school she is not allowed to pick him up from school or allowed to speak to him when he’s in school. Best to be safe than sorry as it seems she thinks she can get her way whatever she wants.

It was clear she thought she could force you to let her continue treating you badly. She might think she also has a right to see your son or take him when she wants as well. It only takes a few minutes to talk to the school or nursery and it will give peace of mind even if it’s not needed in the end.

OP responded:

Luckily my son gets transport to and from school and therea only myself, his dad and my SO marked as people who can pick him up already. They would call me if someone else turned up for him, I'm absolutely 100% sure of that.

cthulularoe wrote:

"I'm sorry you feel that way" isn't an apology. It's a doubledown. It puts the onus of the hurt on you, that somehow you're the one creating the friction, not her. Its the AH's non-apology.

And then:

"told me she couldn't do this anymore and hung up."

Now you're the b#$h for making her feel bad. Your mom is a class SSS gaslighter. Make an effort to be with your real family. Your mom and sister can GTFO. Time to shut that door.

OP responded:

I plan to. I'm done now.

Three and a half weeks later, OP shared another update.

Okay...I honestly didn't think there'd be another update but here goes. This only happened today and I'm still feeling a bit unsure about things and am still very upset.

So over the last few weeks a lot has happened. My mum and dad have both apologised and we're working on our relationship whether you agree with that or not - thats the decision ive made. Sally also came to see me and we talked through the whole situation like adults. We both apologised to one another for how we made the other feel and we've been okay since. Not back to normal but better than it was.

Whilst Sally was at mine she suggested I be the bigger person and reach out to Bea. After a few days and mulling her words I messaged Bea and told her I would be taking my son to see our parents today. She said she would come through to see us. My son, SO and I got to my parents this morning for 10am - we had to leave at 11.30 as we've had other things going on today.

45mins later Bea shows up with her baby (now 5 weeks old). My mum asked Bea to let me hold him. Bea refused and said we needed to talk first, which was fine. I commented on the baby, asked how they were all doing and even gave her a gift that me and my SO had picked up the other week (just a stuffed toy, nothing crazy).

Bea gave me one word answers with my mum filling in all the other details. At one point Bea handed the baby to my mum and left the room for about 10mins. My mum asked me to go and see her. I refused as she'd barely acknowledged any of us since she came into the house. She came back in and again, barely spoke.

As we were packing up to go Bea said she was sorry for being quiet but that she was feeling awkward after 5 weeks. She said that I'd upset her by not contacting her to check on her and the baby. I told her that I knew she'd had a lot on being a new mum, baby is exclusively BF, not a lot of sleep and that she was recovering from surgery and I hadn't wanted to hound her.

She started shouting at me calling me ridiculous and that that's not what sisters do. That sisters are there for one another and I'd hurt her feelings. She continued to shout at me (whilst holding her baby) about that she never said i couldn't go to the hospital, that I'd misconstrued what she had said and that she doesn't know how this will be fixed.

My SO, mum and dad tried to diffuse the situation by saying they could see both sides and that even though we were frustrated with one another she needed to calm down and just talk. Bea then started shouting at my parents saying she was sick of them taking my side.

At that point I couldn't even say anything. My son was in the room and picking up on the frustration and anger from Bea and asking to go. I told my family we were leaving. My mum and dad followed us out and I broke down when I got in the car.

My mum asked me to go back inside. I couldn't. I was too angry and needed to remain calm for my son and for the drive home. Bea came to the door with the baby and said she didn't want me to go like this. I told her tough. I'd tried and all she'd done was shout at me. My SO tried to get me to turn around and go back but I couldn't bring myself too. I was so upset I just wanted to come home.

My mum rang me when we got home asking if I was okay. I broke down again and said no. That I'd tried but all Bea had done was shout at me and tried making me out to be a liar. She'd taken absolutely zero accountability for what she'd said to me and my SO all those weeks ago. My mum and dad actually both commended me for staying so calm whilst Bea had shouted.

I told my mum that I refuse to be a parent that loses it in front of her kid and in order for me to remain calm, I'd needed to leave. My mum and SO say I should contact Bea again once I've calmed down but I honestly don't know what to even say at this point. So yeah...for those that are interested in any of this, that's where we are right now...

The internet continue to share their thoughts on the situation.

damora wrote:

Oh boy, family drama with a side of newborn chaos? A classic episode of "As the Baby Cries!" I mean, who knew that bringing a new life into the world would also bring out the Olympic-level shouting matches.

OP responded:

Honestly if I'd have thought I couldn't have had a proper conversation with her like I did my other sister I never would have gone!

KateNotEdwina wrote:

Nah, she can contact you. In the meantime, find the positive and just be there for your son.

OP responded:

I plan too. The only reason I didn't start shouting back was because he was there and I wasn't gonna start kicking off in front of him

izzi_b wrote:

Did your parents or other sister ever explain why you were left out a lot of the times? Is Bea their favourite?

OP responded:

Bea is definitely the golden child. She's the youngest, the only one that went to university, followed our mum's career path in terms of nursing etc

izzi_b wrote:

Well, it must be very frustrating for Bea that the reality check of not getting her way a lot of the time is in this post birth period. Where one often finds out that a baby does not care about their parents way. Not saying that this matters in your decision making. It sounds like the reality check was long overdue.

You were right to walk away and not compete in a yelling match. Bea's frustration is not your responsibility and her way of handling it even less. She might come around, but even if she doesn't, you were doing the right things: concentrating on your own family and the ones that support you, standing up for you.

OP responded:

My son certainly didn't need to be subject to that kind of behaviour. Whether she comes around or not I expect an apology from her just for starting to kick off in front of him.