"AITA for hanging up on my future mother-in-law?"
I got engaged last year. I wanted a courthouse wedding but immediately Gary's mum told us repeatedly that we "better not elope." So although I didn't want to plan/pay for a wedding I had to. (Gary also wanted to do something until he saw the price of EVERYTHING bridal and then agreed that courthouse is best but his mum is the type to nag and have a hissy fit if she doesn't get her way).
So here I am, depressed, stressed, broke and getting married this week. To be clear I love my partner, I'm happy to finally be his wife; my depression and stress has nothing to do with actually getting married.
Yesterday while we were getting ready to go out; his mum rang 40 minutes after the time we've told her not to call unless it's an emergency (we established that as a healthy boundary as she'd ring at all hours e.g. 9pm or during our dinner time just to "chat").
Gary answered in case it was an emergency but it was about the hotel where we plan to go after our ceremony telling us she'd been contacted about confirming the date we'd be there so that extra staff could be on (we never asked her to contact the hotel, she did it all on her own accord and left her number with them.
We went in personally to organize that with the hotel staff and they informed us that they'd put a note on the calendar for more staff to be rostered on). Gary told her this. She insisted on my partner calling the hotel after getting off the phone to her. Gary said he'd do it tomorrow to which she started raising her voice saying that he was making her look bad.
Gary asked how if they had no clue who she is and that he'd do it tomorrow (she's used to people doing what she wants immediately if not she yells and guilt trips) so she kept raising her voice which in turn my partner raised his.
It escalated when she said that his dad and her give us money left, right and center (she gives us lollies here and there which we have never asked her for and to guilt trip us into inviting 2 of HER friends to the wedding she gave us $5,000 as a "gift."
Apart from that they have not "given" us money). This is when Gary yelled "excuse me?!", he started inhaling to yell even louder as she was yelling. So I took the phone & said "we're busy, goodbye" and hung up.
Context on my actions-I have been previously in toxic relationships and I have fought hard to get out, start all over with almost no money and buy a home on my own (I'm the sole owner) that's safe and calm for myself and my cats. My cats are my furbabies and they all get really scared with yelling as they're not used to it especially the newest addition that was a stray and may have been abused while on the streets.
I will do anything to protect my home's peace, my cats peace, Gary's peace and my peace so yelling has no place in my life. His mum sent him a text and wrote that she didn't appreciate that I hung up on her, she found that very rude disrespectful then proceeded to write that she doesn't want to feel like this at the wedding and inserted a sad crying face. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
3dgemaster said:
NTA. But it's crucial that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to enforcing boundaries. He should take the lead here and prioritize your sanity over catering to his entitled mother.
How he manages this situation will set the tone for your marriage. MIL needs to learn her place and she needs to learn it yesterday. Taking money from people like that rarely ends well, they will use it to guilt you. I'd probably give the money back, it's not worth the hassle.
Sassypants2306 said:
NTA. Txt back. "Every time you escalate to yelling at me or your son when we do not agree with you. I will hang up until you mature and cool your head. Respect goes 2 ways and right now you have lost all mine because you cannot respect our boundaries. Goodnight."
Anxious-Routine-5526 said:
NTA. That being said, both you and future hubby need to get on the same page and stop playing mommy's game. No calls at or after certain times? Don't answer. If it's important/an emergency they'll actually leave a message. Want to have your wedding your way? Cancel the crap you aren't interested in doing.
Give mommy dearest whatever money she gave you, don't accept money from her in the future so she can't hold it over you, have the courthouse wedding you want. In short, stop giving into her tantrums and live your lives. Feel free to ignore, hang up on, or otherwise make it clear her behavior won't be awarded.
EuropeSusan said:
NTA, and your future husband needs to enforce the boundaries now. his mother knows this hotel story was no emergency, but she bothered him anyway. he should have hung up himself and take the blame alone instead of forcing you to get in between him and his mother.
AshnZan said:
NTA. You stopped things from getting worse. As for your MIL - people can’t walk all over you if you stand up for yourself. You’re a human being, not a door mat.
SoulSiren_22 said:
NTA. You should have told her that you will not tolerate being yelled at and will hang up. That she can call you the next day if she feels capable of a calm conversation. You deserve a calm space.
But there were two people in that conversation. And both of them yelled. It's not just on your mother in law, it's also on your fiance. If his way of handling conflict when he gets agitated is like his mother, then your oasis of calm will not be very calm I'm afraid.
HollyGoLately said:
NTA. Cancel the wedding and book something you actually want.
embopbopbopdoowop said:
NTA. Don’t show up for the wedding. Or to the hotel. Elope. Go to the courthouse, or invite your celebrant to your home instead of the wedding location, or do ANYTHING else that you will ACTUALLY enjoy and that will be about you and your husband-to-be rather than becoming about her.