'AITA for being happy that karma is getting my ex-husband 10 fold?' + UPDATE
"AITA for being happy that karma is getting my ex-husband 10 fold?"
Expert-Cartoonist670
I’m 31(F) and ex-husband is 33(m), we were married for 7 years. I was naive back then and didn’t know who I was marrying. So in part some of it feels like my fault for not being more vigilant or walking away MUCH sooner. As we all know there are two sides to every story, but that was the most miserable 7 years I ever had.
Between his drinking and poor financial habits, to his constant disregard for me or our lack of ability to communicate; I was not having a good time. There were days I’d have full mental breakdowns and he would mock me or try to diminish who I was as person during the episode.
He thought VERY highly of himself to the point that many who know of him believe him to be an actual narcissist. If you’ve ever dated or have been married to a narcissist - then you know the emotional warfare they put you through.
He would make me second guess myself in arguments or daily conversation. I was beginning to think my memory was truly glitching. Whenever I’d attempt to bring up him not drinking anymore he would give me ultimatums about how much he should be allowed to drink OR I could leave if I didn’t like it.
I could never discuss finances with him, because it would ALWAYS lead to a big fight. Eventually I stopped bringing it up, and we would be in constant financial crisis month to month even though we both have decent paying jobs.
I’d be in line to pay for groceries he knew I was going out for, check our bank account in the morning before heading out, and then by the time I’d get to the store to check out my card was declining. Every week our account would be negative in the hundreds.
It was so bad he took out loans without my knowledge, opened credit cards and would finance things without communicating with me. So between his drinking, vaping, buying food out all the time instead of taking leftovers I made or lunch I’d pack, loans, financing and credit cards - we never had money.
He was very verbally abusive and would try different tactics on me. From talking to me like a child when I was becoming more and more upset, to pushing me into a corner despite asking to step away from the conversation for a bit, to blowing up on me or being tactfully calm after he pushed me so far that I’d end up blowing up.
It was exhausting to try to talk to him about anything, because I never knew what was going to happen. Don’t get me started about intimacy. He was not a nice or loving person when it came to sex. He was very coercive and pushy for years and years.
Despite me sharing with him numerous times that I struggled with intimacy due to prior horrible experiences. The more he would push me or make me feel bad the harder it was to get aroused. I started feeling like something was wrong with me.
When I’d be alone I’d cry and ask myself why I can’t be like other women. I was attracted to him, but it was hard for me. He would take it personal or say things like “husbands and wives need to be intimate or it’s not going to work out”.
There was hardly ever any foreplay for me or warming up leading into sex. Sometimes I would let him do what he wanted so I could be left alone afterward. It never felt loving or comfortable. He would berate me for going to friends or family for advice.
It angered him to no end for me to seek out help from people who cared about me. Saying things like “all you do is talk shit about me”, “you’re always the victim”, “run away and tell everyone our business, because that’s what you do best”. I couldn’t talk to anyone other than him about our “business” in his eyes or else I was defying him or making him look bad.
Eventually it led up to our 7 year mark where I asked for some time apart; after he stopped trying at his job and went into a depressive period. He wanted me to be there for him, but he was so much worse than before.
So truthfully, I didn’t know how to keep supporting that anymore. I wanted out. When I approached him for the separation he was sad, but supportive at first. Then one morning he completely flipped out on me as we were getting ready for work, and demanded a divorce instead.
He did not want to try to reconcile later or do anything to attempt to get back together after some time had passed, because he said that he didn’t trust me. He made allegations that it’s so I can go sleep with whoever I want to and then come back when I’m done.
It couldn’t have been further from the truth, but he was always accusing me of cheating. Of course I cried and had to go to work like that at the time sharing only 1 vehicle I paid for, because he destroyed our 2nd car.
So I had to ride an uncomfortable and emotional 40 mins to work with him, trying to manage my emotions throughout the day. It was not fun. But like everything else I kept going.
The weeks that led up to me moving out, paying all of the last months bill in our home so he wouldn’t have to, etc. It was a nightmare, he would go from regretting me leaving to threatening me, cussing me out late at night over the phone, to being calm/forgiving again.
Soon he revealed that a coworker he was “friends” with had slept together while we were still married, and it was someone I had already been concerned about considering how “close” they became over 3 years. Confiding in her about details of our marriage, coming to her constant defense, being strongly supportive and caring towards her.
It was no surprise, but I was still angry when he used it as a tactic to rub my nose in it. Mind you, this is when our divorce hadn’t been finalized and I only moved out of our house a few weeks prior; leaving him with just about everything, but my own car.
Their relationship didn’t work out - shocking I know. Which led to him trying to come back months later. When I denied him and confirmed it was fully over between us; he FREAKED OUT. Stalked my house, threatened me, harassed my family and eventually I had to call the police on him.
Since then he got a better job, got himself his own car and was planning on moving out of our old house. He rubbed his new job in my face and told me he’d be just fine without me.
Lately I’ve heard that he got his car repossessed, got evicted from our old house before he could move, lost his fancy job and now lives with roommates somewhere I’m not aware of.
On top of that Aaron’s (a furniture financing store) called me the other day as for some reason I’m on file as one of his contacts with them - trying to contact him before they take him to court for theft due to him not paying them a cent and moving without telling them.
After all he put me through; I laughed myself silly. But on a smallish part of my conscious I still feel bad for him, because this was someone I loved and spent many years with. Though he did me the biggest favor I could ever ask for by telling me he wanted that divorce. THANK GOD. ✨
Here were the top rated comments in response to the OP's post:
QuantumVibes919
You’re NTA for feeling relief and even joy at his misfortunes. After enduring so much emotional turmoil, it’s natural to feel that karma is finally catching up with him. You deserve to celebrate your freedom and the closure that comes with it. Your happiness is valid!
dumb_manfree16
Honestly, if joy were a crime, you'd be serving life without parole right now after all that emotional rollercoastering, you deserve to ride this wave of happiness like it’s the last ride at an amusement park OP!
RantyMcThrowaway
NTA. For what it's worth, I'm also happy that he's getting what's coming to him. As long as you're not obsessing over it or letting it interfere with your life in an unhealthy way, feel free to take some joy back from the years of joy he stole from you. My abusive ex went to prison, and I won't hesitate to admit that I also laughed myself silly when I found out.
Liu1845
You didn't love him, you loved who he fooled you into believing he was. He was never that loving person. It was a mask and after he had you, he took off the mask. What he did was deliberate and calculated, for his amusement and gain. Stop feeling any guilt, please. NTA.
Snowwbunnygarr
NTA. The universe delivered a buffet of karma to your ex, and while it's natural to feel a twinge of sympathy for someone you once cared for, don't forget the menu he prepared for you during your years together.
He served up a gourmet of misery and disrespect, and now it seems his choices have come back to dine with him. It’s not your job to pay his bill. Enjoy your freedom and the peace that comes with knowing you're no longer tied to someone who undermined and undervalued you. You deserve to celebrate your new chapter may it be filled with peace, success, and far better company.
The OP later added more details.
Expert-Cartoonist670
Small edit for myself - I have since gotten an incredible job, I have a new car and I live on my own. For years he made me feel like I could never do it. That I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own two feet without him or ever be independent. I was wrong for believing him back then, and he was wrong for underestimating me. 🥹💕
Last edit: First off, WOW. I did not expect so much positive outreach. So thank you for that everyone. It has been a roller coaster and a journey for me. But having so much support is such a beautiful thing to me. Thank you again times a million! 😭