"AITA for having different expectations for my daughters?"
I have 2 daughters, Maya (27) and Eva (23). Maya got associates degrees in child development, music education, and psychology and takes classes part time in special education and school administration to get extra certifications. Eva completed nursing school a few months ago. They both live at home to save money.
Maya works a minimum of 50 hours a week. She’s a nanny to a single mom that works as a nurse, so one week she works from 6am-9pm 3 days a week then the next week she does the same hours 4 days a week. She also teaches ballet and music classes at a couple local schools. When she works back to back shifts at her nanny job she tends to sleep there so she doesn’t have to leave the house by 5:30.
Eva is burnt out from nursing school so she only works 20 hours a week at a clinic. She works from 9-1 then goes home. She’s considering quitting all together and going back to school for cosmetology.
Since Maya works so much, if she starts a load of laundry before work, my wife and I have no problem transferring it to the dryer and folding it for her. Since Eva only works part time, she’s expected to be responsible for her own laundry.
Another difference in expectations is with pet care. Maya is not expected to walk or feed the dogs (a Chihuahua mix and what my kids call “the mutt of all mutts”) and cat. Eva is expected to do so 3 days a week (Eva is also the one that asked for one of the dogs and the cat).
We also tend to do more favors for Maya (dropping off a meal at her work, picking up things for her, or making her a simple meal), especially on the days that she comes home from a 15 hour shift and the day she comes back from back to back shifts.
Today we reminded Eva to take her clothes out of the dryer before she goes out (she has a habit of starting the washing machine and dryer before going out with friends for hours overnight) and she said that we do Maya’s laundry so we shouldn’t have a problem doing hers too. I told her it’s very different doing it for her sister, who works 15 hours a day, and doing it for her when she’s just going out with friends.
Now she’s mad about favoritism because Maya doesn’t take care of the pets or pay her car insurance (she uses her car for work so her boss covers her insurance). My wife always had a habit of giving in to her so now she’s saying we should be harder on Maya because if Eva can handle these responsibilities, so can she.
I still think it’s understandable to help the daughter that is working 15 hours a day, plus 20-30 minutes commute but not feel that the one that works 20 hours a week needs the same level of help.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Severe-Cow-2816 said:
Soft YTA, but not for the obvious reason. Two adults have different needs, that's fair and what you do for one does not necessarily mean it has to be done for the other. However. I ask that you go back and re-read what you posted, because what I read tells me why Eva is upset.
You have a clear and obvious bias toward Maya. Even the way you describe them shows it. I can only imagine how much more obvious it is to Eva that you favor her sister, and she will always be second best in your eyes. You've got a much bigger issue here, and it will end up wrecking your relationship with one of your children.
I suggest you spend some time reflecting on this. No defensively, but honestly. Because if it's obvious to an internet stranger? Yeah...you have a problem that needs to be dealt with. Talk to your wife.
Talk to Eva, and really listen to what she has to say. If you need to speak to a counsellor first to get your thoughts in order, that's fine. But please, do something to improve this situation before Eva walks out of your life.
Available_Ad_4504 said:
YTA: Maya chooses to do all this. You guys take care of the brunt of expenses through rent, Maya I assume is trying to save money while you guys give her this opportunity. That being said she is damn near 30 years old and CAN handle her own responsibilities without parents doing extra.
What it looks like is that you are willing to support Maya’s future and Eva only gets free rent because she’s Maya’s sister. At the end of the day, she should be doing her own laundry and those are your pets to take care off not your kids.
thecarpetbug said:
YTA. You have a kid who just came out of uni and is already so burnt-out that she's considering switching careers, and you have another one who's putting herself on the fast track to burnout. First, those are your pets, so you should be taking care of them.
Second, you should stop doing more for one than you do for the other one. You clearly have a favorite and it's extremely obvious that's affecting the least favorite. Also, instead of celebrating it, I think you should talk with Maya about why she's putting herself through all that.
Why isn't she working in her profession and is instead taking more certifications? You have two adult daughters who clearly are not coping well with adulting, and you're celebrating one and adding more stress to the already burnt-out one.
SnooRegrets7484 said:
YTA ya’ll clearly have a favorite and you’re teaching both of them that your love and caring is contingent on them working ridiculous hours. Maya’s gonna burnout too. Ofc Eva should deal with laundry before social time and expectations can be different. But unless Maya’s supporting the household, her choice to overwork is not noble or superior to Eva’s nursing job while dealing with burnout.
If Eva’s burnout is serious (not just showing up as compassion fatigue during work, more like she’s struggling in all or lots of ways, sleeping significantly more, ect) then she needs understanding and caring and support to heal. And it takes time. Make her a meal too, ffs.
Cerridwen1981 said:
Pretty obvious who your favorite is. And Eva will know that too. Mental health issues are a real thing. And your lack of empathy is clear. How long do you expect Maya to keep pushing herself to the limit just to win your approval?
Rushzilla said:
YTA. Treat them the same. Stop crapping on Eva. People saying life isn't fair - your family should be fair even if the general populace won't be.
EvaSirkowski said:
YTA. Your daughter is burnt out and you seem to run your house like a factory. You clearly have a favorite.
Testy_Coyote_ said:
YTA. Good grief dude. Child care/ teaching and nursing are difficult careers. Love and support them both equally.