'AITA for having my MIL attend the birth of my first child instead of my mom?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my family they can’t meet my baby yet?"
My husband is currently on deployment, and he most likely won’t be home until summertime. When he left, I was about six months pregnant. Prior to his departure, he had mentioned that he didn’t want family members to meet our son before he does. I felt like that was a simple request of his that I could honor that would help his mental health.
For context, all of our family lives in California and we live in Florida. So it’s not like our family lives in the same town or state and we are depriving them of a quick visit. Any time we get together, there’s a lot of planning involved on both ends. Also, my husband and I have set aside money to plan a trip to go to California to visit both families after his deployment.
I gave birth earlier this year and my sister-in-law has asked me to visit twice now. Each time I have reminded her of my husband’s request, and she just responds with a “yeah… I get that” but then she follows up with, “oh my kids want to meet him so badly.” Well, so does your brother. I don’t think she realizes how much this deployment is taking a toll on him mentally.
Lately he’s been making comments/apologizing like: “I’m sorry for being an absent father and husband” “Please don’t divorce me because my job requires me to be gone” “Our baby is going to cry when he meets me because I’m a stranger” “I feel so useless” I try my best to reassure him that I know this isn’t something either of us can control and that I love him.
Part of me just wants to tell his sister some of the stuff he’s been saying, and how I can’t visit in good conscience knowing he feels this way. Would I be the @$$hole for telling her to stop asking me to fly over there solo? How should I go about this?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Spinnerofyarn said:
NTA but I think your husband is possibly making it harder on you by not allowing family to come visit and help with the baby. Life with a newborn is hard. Life with a newborn when you're the only parent there is even harder.
Comfortable_Arm3949 said:
Maybe you can allay your husband’s fears about separation from the baby. Do you have a shirt or hat that smells like him? How about him making a recording of a Dad to Baby message you’d play every night? If he sings, a lullaby would be perfect. Have a pic of his face that you show the baby. When you do these things always say “Daddy” a lot, and smile or do kisses. There will be an association made.
And Burgermeister7921 said:
Right now I'm more concerned about his mental health. Please urge him to talk to a doctor or somebody about his depression and anxiety. Worrying about the rest of the family is secondary to your husband's health.
OP then added some edits to clear up some questions and confusions.
Edit 1:
I worded this very poorly which is leading to confusion. My husband is okay if someone comes out to help me. What he meant was he didn’t want people coming out here or me flying out there just to visit and have people coo and awe over the baby. My MIL came and was my support person before, during and after I gave birth.
She was super respectful and wasn’t asking to hold the baby every five seconds. She helped with the house, pets, held him when I needed breaks or needed to shower. Just to give an idea as to how that period went. Her primary role here wasn’t grandma.
She’s asking ME to fly to California from Florida for a visit. She’s not asking to fly to our home to help me. If she was asking to help, I would say yes and my husband wouldn’t care- we would buy her ticket. He sees how much work and time a newborn is and wouldn’t bat an eye at spending money to help make it easier for me. She’s asking me to fly to her because her four children want to meet our newborn.
Edit 2:
You guys do realize that socialization is not a skill that ONLY family members can provide… right? We’ve been lucky enough to be in our town for 7 years. A rarity with the military, but he kept getting the same base. I have grown roots here. I have best friends here. One of them gave birth three weeks after me. Don’t worry, I’m not being an @$$hole and socially stunting my baby- jfc.
Edit 3:
Background on how visitation has gone for families.. His sister has not visited us in the 7 years we have lived here. Typically it is just my parents and his mom who fly in to visit. My sister just started doing an annual trip to Disney World with her family in the springtime, but I’m not taking a fresh baby to a theme park so.. they can wait and she is fine with that.
The last time we were able to go to California was for Christmas a few years ago. The year after that, I was finishing my accelerated RN program. And last year I was pregnant most of the year, and my husband was gone about 80% of the year due to deployment work ups for the ship.
Realistically, the only way her AND her four kids would meet him would be if we were to fly over there because they are single income. Which, as mentioned before in the initial post, we have money saved up to go together after he returns.
Nearly a month later, she shared this update: "AITA for having my MIL attend the birth of my first child instead of my mom?"
Well. This is an update I didn’t think would actually happen, but here we are. Just a warning, I am raging internally so this may not be written well.
First and foremost. The birth went well. My MIL was incredibly supportive and helpful. The months leading up to me giving birth, the relationship I had with my mother was very surface level. I did not reach out as frequently. Things got a bit tense about a week prior to me giving birth due to other familial issues.
My mother did not call or text me the two weeks leading up to my due date. Honestly, the icing on the cake was my father asking me if I was having a boy or a girl (my husband and I told both of them last summer). The distance led me to telling them I had my son the next afternoon. That decision brought me a lot of peace.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. I called my mother to chat, not about anything serious. Just a quick check in. The phone call threw me off because she apologized to me. She said, "I miss you. Our relationship is different, and I don't know how to fix it because I feel like I don't have the opportunity to. I should have handled that talk a lot differently. I want to come and help you."
I don't know if it was my postpartum hormones, but against my better judgment I offered to have her come for six days. Honestly, my first red flag should have been her not fighting back and saying she could pay her own way. But oh well. I figured this visit would benefit me in the sense that I could try to be less resentful, and I could at least say that I tried.
She arrived Saturday night, and the first full day was Sunday. I spent a lot of that day feeling agitated because the second I would lay my son down in his bassinet to go do something she would pick him up. It became quite clear to me that my decision to have my MIL come and help me was the correct one.
That evening I told her that she cannot pick my son up every single time he cries because once she leaves, I physically am not able to do that for him. I told her that I'm essentially a single parent until the foreseeable future. She sheepishly apologized and said she wasn't thinking about after she wasn't going to be here... But this stay has just been a sh!tshow.
I didn't trust her watching him alone for long periods because I caught her starting to fall asleep on the couch while holding my baby literally 30 minutes after she told me I could go nap. Thank god I was in the kitchen prepping dinner and I caught it. She did not offer to make meals. She made a comment about eating dinner at 8pm because she "isn't used to it like me."
I had to tell her that eating dinner at 8pm is not a choice. I told her she didn't offer to step in and start dinner while I was doing laundry, facetiming my husband in between his watches, or nursing my son. What was she doing? Basking in the florida sun on my patio with the dogs while scrolling on her damn phone.
The real reason I'm rage typing all of this isn't even because of her lack of help. It is her lack of emotional support. Today I was told that my husband's deployment is extended. I was sobbing. What did my mother do? She said, "I'm sorry." I haven't gotten a single hug from her. I got this news four hours ago.
What I did get was her telling me to go take a shower which was really code for "go shower so I can cuddle the baby because you won't be able to." I feel so angry, disappointed, and ashamed that I spent money on her coming out here. I guess it's not a total loss because this stay has helped me not put on rose-colored glasses like I normally do when it comes to her.
Edit: I drop her off in a few hours as planned- thank goodness. For those saying to never pay her way again, absolutely 1000% never happening. I did it because she is always making comments about being single income and having to pinch money. I felt bad despite my husband and I also being a single income family.
However, I feel tricked because while she was here it was revealed that my parents are going to Vegas next weekend. This whole stay has left me feeling like a big idiot who was tricked. I’m so glad she is gone first thing in the morning.