"AITA for having my whole family at my kids' birthday party?"
My kids birthday is quickly approaching & I haven't been able to pick a venue until now. I've wanted to do it at a park, but this time of year it's hard to do that where I live. But, it seems on my kids birthday we're gonna get a break from the cold rain. I had this great idea to do it at the park in my grandma's neighborhood. This way my dad & brother can participate too.
They usually have to stay home from events because my brother has special needs and doesn't like to go out much. But, also because my parents have been divorced for over 20 years & don't talk to each other. My dad has been my brother's sole caretaker with the help of only my grandma. I have a lot of feelings about how we were raised, but grandma and dad do their best.
I started getting closer with my mom's side of the family as I got older, but not really my mom. We've had our moments of closeness, but over all our relationship is still pretty strained. My dad understandably really really doesn't like my mom and holds a grudge against her and some of her family members for not being there for my brother and I growing up.
But, especially because he's had to do it all while she didn't help or pay child support. I totally understand why he feels the way he does about her. Deep down I definitely feel the same way. I see her about 2-3 times a month, but only because she lives at my grandpa's where I help babysit my cousin.
After I had my kid she would babysit until we arranged for me or his dad to bed able to stay home with him. The last time my parents saw each other was almost 9 years ago at my high school graduation. My brother was not there. The only time she's seen my brother in the last like decade was like 5 years ago when I brought him with me to family Christmas.
The last time all 4 of us was in the same area was like 15 years ago. I'm really nervous about what will happen and not sure if I should even do the party at the park anymore even though I was so excited and my baby loves going to this park. I have so many memories in this park since it was the one I grew up playing at.
Adding my baby's birthday party to that list makes me wanna cry happy tears. But, the thought of something popping off or one of them storming off in the middle of the party honestly makes me sick to my stomach. WIBTA for going through with this idea and having all for of us "together" after this long of my mom not being involved in my brother's life?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Photoforward2499 wrote:
NAH - I understand your desire to have this party and invite the people you are gaining closeness to. However, your mom is a real piece of work. And I would also understand your dad’s POV being mad and feeling betrayed for this closeness you have now when she did what she did both to him and you and your brother.
Tough call. Even if nothing “pops off” it will absolutely be strained and tense. Honestly I don’t understand why dad doesn’t take deadbeat mom to court for all back child support, but that’s not the point here. No, I don’t think you would be the AH, but I also don’t think the party would turn out to be the happy fun event you imagine.
OP responded:
Mom is 100% a piece of work undeniably and I've been debating our relationship like my whole life. Dad doesn't have the resources to take her to court. Most of our interactions are just me allowing her to have some part of her grandchild's life since she's around anyways.
And when I say around I mean like we are at the house she lives in 2-3 times a week and still only see her maybe 2-3 times a month. My son is still too young to tell the difference, but he does know who she is and loves her as one of his grandmas when he does see her.
Insectelectrical2066 wrote:
And I wouldn't be worried about old drama. If someone pops off tell them to go to "Neutral Corners" or leave. And if it continues and they spout off, don't let it stop the party but make the insulting party leave even if you have to call the cops to get them out.
This would be an incident like a couple having a fight b4 bed in don't go to bed mad. Then re-jumpstart the party to ignite more joy. Sing happy birthday again, play some music, start some games, tell some jokes, get the other children to play games, whatever. Just finish with joy. By brushing it off.
SigSauerPower320 wrote:
NTA. Have the party! Invite whomever you want. Hell, I'd do nice little invitations. When you send out the invite to your mother, father, and anyone else you think might cause stuff to happen, you write "If you cause any trouble, you will be asked to leave". Don't be afraid to make it known that this day is about your kid, not their BS. If they can't conduct themselves like normal adult humans, don't bother coming!
That's the "nice" thing to do. What I would do if I were you.... Have the party and don't invite your mother. Quite honestly, I'm shocked you even talk to that woman. Abandoning your children... Especially a special needs kid and no child support?!?! That's an automatic "don't ever talk to me" if I'm you.
yomamaheehaw wrote:
Go for it, but set ground rules for both sides. Tell them this is about your child, their grandchild, not about their grievances or grudges. They will have strict rules to abide by, so that their grandchild can fully enjoy experience their birthday without acrimonious conflict. You get to set the table for your child's ultimate benefit and wellbeing. Don't let anyone take away from that.