'AITA for having a 'test' on the first date and ending things right after if not passed?'
"AITA for having a 'test' on the first date and ending things right after if not passed?"
I’ve noticed a pattern when I go on dates with men. I tend to ask a lot of questions because I’m genuinely curious about other people and their lives. I love learning about what makes someone who they are. And I’ve noticed that when I show this level of interest, men usually reallyyy like me.
But the thing is, it often one-sided. Many of them don’t ask me a single thing in return. Literally not even basic stuff like what I do or what I’m interested in. One time, I went on a first date where I asked all the questions, tried to keep the conversation going, and the second he was done talking about himself, things would go silent. He made no effort to get to know me at all.
If I hadn’t told him my name, I honestly don’t think he would’ve known it. After that, I ended it, and he was DEVASTATED. But in my head that date showed he had zero interest in me and in my opinion, I think that to truly understand someone you need to be curious and intrigued. Maybe I just crave to be understood and need attention but I think it’s rude to not seem interested in me lol.
This has happened multiple times. And now I’ve started seeing it as a bit of a test, if a guy doesn’t ask anything about me, I don’t want to move forward.
So, AITA for this “game” and ending things early if a guy shows no interest in who I am?
The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.
newbosterone wrote:
NTA. It doesn’t sound like a game to me. It sounds like a reasonable expectation that a potential partner show some curiosity or interest.
OP responded:
Yeah that’s my error I meant to put “test” at the end not “game” but I still do see it as a little test in my head to like judge if the person is truly interested in me like I am with them. I don’t mean it in a cruel way and it’s never verbalized as a test it’s just the way I see it.
Arrozconleche wrote:
NTA - One time I went on a date with a guy who wouldn’t stop talking about himself. I couldn’t even get in a word to respond. He would always cut me off. I set a ten minute timer on my phone and told myself if he didn’t ask me a question about myself or let me speak I would leave. The timer went off and I left.
dragonr0se wrote:
NTA.. My current husband and I spent HOURS beyond the hour we planned to be at the little bar and grill we met at for our first date because we couldn't stop talking to each other and asking about each other. We finally had to leave because we both had work a few hours later, lol.
xanderthesheepdog wrote:
NTA. Dating "tests" are stupid. Based on your title alone, I was ready to tell you why you're TA...but what you describe isn't a dating test. It's a pretty standard metric. The whole point of dating is to decide if you are compatible with someone. If they show no interest in you during the date, then you are not compatible.
defenestrayed wrote:
The bar is so low now. I feel like my generation may have given up and done a disservice to younger women.
Yes, someone who even tries at being interested in you should, idk, l show interest in you. That isn't a big ask.
Sorry to be all old at you, but it's a good thing to get picky and weed out the lost causes while you're young. You don't need to find your perfect mate tomorrow, but you have plenty of time to respect yourself. Being single is pretty awesome (I'm now happily committed, but those years alone without a toxic force in my life made me able to have the relationship I now do).
HelenAngel wrote:
NTA It’s not a game & it’s awful that there are cultures where a woman expressing any standards is a “game”. You are setting a standard for how you want to be treated. This is normal & healthy for people to do. You should be doing this.
No game whatsoever: you’re just observing his behavior. It’s the same as if he had a standard that he won’t date women who argue with the waiter. This why you go on dates: so you can determine if the other person is a good fit for you. This is just one determination you have.
JRAWestCoast wrote:
Very egotistical men LOVE women like you who are adept at asking fascinating questions about THEM. The worst ones have no clue how obnoxious and self-centered they are. I've had this happen, too, when the guy asked not a single question about me in 2-3+ hours.
At the end, when I'm leaving, they say, all enthused, "So great to meet you. Wonderful conversation!!" These guys are duds. It's not a game to see if someone gives a rat's @/ss about you. Sorts the wheat from the chaff quickly. OP not TAH.
UncleNedisDead wrote:
NTA. It’s not a “test”, so much as looking for someone who wants to genuinely get to know you and see you as a human, and not just someone to fuck and stroke their ego. You’re not looking for someone to treat you like a pampered princess. You just want someone to treat you with respect.
MaterialistThinker wrote:
NTA. I’ll be honest, I thought you were doing one of those dumb TikTok relationship tests. But what you described is not a test, it’s a base-line, bare minimum level of behavior and conduct on a date. If you didn’t kick these guys to the curb for refusing to take any interest at all on the date, I’d be sad for you.