Boyfriend's 'too little too late' proposal leads woman to realize she has fallen out of love. AITA? + UPDATE
"He has a ring and I found out that he's planning to propose on our anniversary, but I feel like I've mentally checked out (1.5 years after he first told me we were going to get engaged 'soon')"
My partner bought the ring a long time ago. He previously insisted that we had to live together to see if we were compatible, before he could propose, and that he wouldn't propose otherwise.
I have been ready for much longer than he has and that's not his fault of course. But after waiting and waiting, I have gone from anxiety, to hope, to excitement, and finally just numbness.
He didn't intend for me to know but my sister, who helped him finalise the ring out of the ones I had liked, was happy about it and couldn't keep the secret that he's proposing in just under a week.
It makes sense now that he was trying to get me to take a couple of days off to go away for a mini break to the town in which we met, but I couldn't get leave approved. She noticed that I've been feeling quite low throughout the holiday season and she thought it was because I was waiting for a proposal. But the reality is that I gave up on it a month or two ago.
I've tried to convince myself that it's what I still want but that ship has sailed. It's quite strange to be in the process of falling out of love with him gradually. He's 29 and I'm about to turn 29. I fear I'm being irrational here, because in total we've been together for only 3 years. But he's been telling me for 1.5 years that he will "soon" propose.
I feel compelled to say yes now because everything is in place, but I don't feel in love with him anymore. He seems happy to talk about marriage now and has brought up marrying in autumn a bunch of times, and I wish I still felt the same joy at discussing wedding plans that I did before.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
This seems like a good time to speak with a therapist just so you can help yourself get some clarity and support through this. Good luck.
Love this suggestion. I’m generally all for jumping ship, but OP seems to be depressed and or just may need to talk to someone who can help her sort through her thoughts and emotions so she can make the best decision for herself.
3 years is nothing considering you could be spending the rest of your life with this person. Be glad you realised now.
Feisty8799 (OP)
I've only begun feeling this way because he kept saying a proposal was coming soon and didn't propose for 1.5 years. And his insistence on living together when he knew it was not something I was comfortable with without being engaged.
I’m going to reframe this a little. You’re feeling this way because he got your hopes up and then didn’t deliver for a year and a half. You made a compromise that went against your values and comfort and he didn’t hold up his end of the deal for a year and a half.
He is either manipulative or has a serious communication deficit to say “soon” if he meant 18 months. Would you have agreed if he said, let’s live together for 18 months and then I’ll decide if I want to marry you?
Also, setting aside the resentment over the overdue proposal, maybe you realized after living with him that he’s not actually someone you are excited to spend the rest of your life with. That’s ok. It’s ok to change your mind.
Edit: I just saw your comment that you only actually moved in a few months ago. An anniversary proposal after a few months of cohabitation is “soon” enough. Maybe you just don’t like the guy that much after living together.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
In the middle of 2023, he said he was proposing soon, but a year later he still hadn't and finall admitted he wouldn't until we lived together, even though he had bought a ring.
This was despite me asking him a couple of times what was holding things up, and he always assured me it would happen soon. After he finally shared this with me, he kept insisting I move in, even though I wasn't interested in that before an engagement.
But I did because of how much I loved him, and the resentment had been slowly building up ever since. I know it's my fault for moving in, and I should have been firmer about my boundaries.
He knew from very early on that I didn't want to set up a household/home with a partner without an engagement. Early in the relationship (8-9 months in), he wanted me to move in, but I told him that I wouldn't do that with someone unless I was going to marry the person and was engaged.
He said at the time that was okay and that he understood. So why did he say he was going to propose soon last year, knowing where we stood on this matter? Knowing he was going to propose and realising I didn't want to marry him anymore, I told him on Saturday night that we couldn't be together anymore.
He didn't take it well. He told me I had blindsided him and that he thought we both wanted a future together. He initially said he didn't know what he did wrong, and I had to explain to him that he knew we had issues regarding him always having his way and him knowing I was uncomfortable about moving in before an engagement.
The truth is, whenever we disagree, I always end up giving in. He doesn't compromise and isn't very flexible. I've pointed this out to him before, and he accepted that it was an issue, yet nothing changed.
Now that I'm ending things, he's saying he'll work on it and it's not something to break up over. We could probably work through the resentment and improve our communication, but I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way about him again.
Also, given that he kept saying he was proposing soon but waited for 18 months, I worry that he might again drag his feet when it comes to other things like having kids or even with planning the wedding.
He woke up this morning (the 31st), the day he was planning to propose on as it's our anniversary, and said he couldn't believe what was happening. He said it didn't feel real because we should be getting engaged today, but instead, we were in the process of breaking up.
He even asked at one point if we could try again, saying our relationship had been happy for both of us, and that living together we had been very compatible (irrespective of how I felt about moving in).
He asked if I would consider giving the relationship another chance if we took a break from each other for some time. Again, I don't think this is a good idea. The days since I ended the relationship have been really tough, but it was the right thing to do because we are incompatible.
People in my previous post mentioned that I just wanted to marry and get engaged and didn't care who to, but that's not true. My ex, whom I was with from university, was keen to marry me and brought it up soon after we started our first jobs.
However, there were a range of issues in that relationship, and I didn't think it would work. So, after trying to resolve our issues and not being able to for a year, I had to end that relationship.
If a marriage and engagement were all I wanted, I would have married him and ignored the issues. I genuinely thought my current partner, well ex now, and I were a great match, but I suppose I was wrong.
I was living in a flat with a friend, and it was ideal for me in every way. I had to find someone to take over my lease, and I did this to move in with him. Now I have to start looking for a new place again. I've already started, and fortunately, I live in a city where finding a place won't be too difficult.
My friend said I should not move out in a rush since I'm paying half the rent toward his place, but the reality is that this place never felt like home because I moved in begrudgingly. Again, I know it's my fault, but I can't live in what is essentially his home if we aren't going to be together.
My sister said that I should think about the fact that I'm going to be 29 and about how it might be difficult to find someone to have children with before I hit my mid-30s, but it's better to be single than in a relationship that's not right.
I know I might not meet anyone else anytime soon or at all, because you never know what life is going to bring, but that's ok. There are other things in my life that I plan to focus on, like studying for a postgrad diploma that I have been wanting to do for some time. I know he'll be fine soon as he's quite resilient, and then both of us can get on with our lives.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
"He doesn't compromise and isn't very flexible. I've pointed this out to him before, and he accepted that it was an issue, yet nothing changed."
You are doing the right thing!
You are definitely doing the right thing. Trust me, an old beeyotch, as people (especially men) get older, they get LESS flexible and willing to compromise.
Don't fall for the trap of going back to a man who is only willing to consider changing his ways when you already have your foot out the door. He won't change, and even if he does, it will only be temporary.
F-your sister. Marrying the wrong person is 100X worse than marrying late or never marrying. Started dating my hubby at 33, engaged at 34 married at 35 baby at 38. 17 years later still happily married.
Your sister is wrong. It won’t be difficult. Not sure where you live, but it’s becoming very common to wait later in life to have a family. I’m 39 and we’re going to start next year. I’m glad you stood up for yourself. It was brave and you deserve an amazing life.