'AITA for bringing up my friend's gross lifestyle when he said being a SAHM wasn’t real work?'
"AITA for bringing up my friend's gross lifestyle when he said being a SAHM wasn’t real work?"
throwaway_baconcake
For background, I am currently a SAHM doing 100% of the child rearing and chores around the house. Household bills are split about 80/20 with my husband covering the majority of things while I pick up internet or grocery bills here or there. I also pay for all my own personal bills like phone, car payment and insurance.
While out for dinner with some friends the topic of division of bills and chores came up. Some friends said they expected an equal split of 50/50 for paying bills and household chores.
Great! I support it if thats what works for them. But one friend in particular kept bringing up the fact that being a SAHM wasn’t a “real job”. He knows I’m a SAHM and I obviously consider what I do “work” even if it’s not a traditional 9 to 5 or whatever.
I politely explained that -in my opinion- domestic work was very much still work. I explained that I’m always caring for our child which requires a lot of attention and entertaining, while also making 3 meals a day, doing laundry, cleaning.
I also do the “mental work” of scheduling appointments and remembering to pick up certain groceries or toiletries etc. I compared this to the likes of hiring a maid, a cook or having a personal assistant which are all JOBS.
He just came back with a “But you just stay home all day living off (husband), I would never go to work just so someone can live at my house rent free!” The whole table sort of laughed and this is where I became enraged.
We lived with this friend for a little while before. I knew how he lived. So I just said “I can tell you don’t value domestic labor considering your house was disgusting when we moved in and I had to clean it, you had no groceries but a ketchup bottle in your fridge, no kitchenware and ate DoorDash every night in your room because you never bothered to buy furniture.”
There was dead silence at the table before I finished with “You’re 35 years old and can’t talk to women, I wouldn’t worry about anyone living with you anytime soon.” I could feel I was on the verge of tears and my heart was racing so I got up and walked to my car.
My husband followed me out and when we got in the car and began to drive home. I tried to hold back tears while he comforted me but eventually he told me that was I said was unnecessarily harsh and I should try to apologize.
When I got home I had been removed from our friends group chat but one of my friends had text me on the side to tell me he thought everything I said was true but that I shouldn’t have made it personal just because our friend disagreed with my views. Now I think I just lost all my friends and maybe it wasn’t serious enough to bring up his personal stuff. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Trick_Delivery4609
NTA. But I got lots of questions. How are you paying 20 percent and other bills if you don't work? Why isn't he contributing to 20 percent of childcare and home chores then too??
But in reality, you should have 100 percent childcare while he is at work, then you do 50/50 when he is home. Why the heck didn't your husband jump to your defense immediately?!? You need better friends. And a more supportive husband.
throwaway_baconcake OP replied:
Thank you for your comment. I don’t want to put too much personal information out there if that’s okay. I do make around 4k a month due to benefits from a previous job. He’s currently not contributing to child care/chores because of his current work schedule.
We sat down and went over everything and the current arrangement works for both of us for now. I do agree that I wish my husband had said something. He is typically non confrontational. Which I think is why he wants me to apologize as well.
buttertits4lyfe
Your husband needs to grow a spine and defend the most important person in his life. Sheesh.
buttertits4lyfe
Your husband needs to grow a spine and defend the most important person in his life. Sheesh.
jmbbl
"I shouldn’t have made it personal."
What? He already made it personal by insulting what you do! You're NTA. He got what he deserved.
WellThatsJustObvious
INFO: “I am currently a SAHM doing 100% of the child rearing and chores around the house. Household bills are split about 80/20 with my husband covering the majority of things while I pick up internet or grocery bills here or there. I also pay for all my own personal bills like phone, car payment and insurance.”
Why are you paying 20% of bills and the rest you listed when you don’t work and are a SAHM doing ALL the chores and childcare? Your friends are obviously AHs but sounds like your husband is too.
throwaway_baconcake OP replied:
Thank you for your comment.
I answered this for someone else but this arrangement is what works best for both of us for now due to his work schedule.
snchills
NTA Sounds like the friend had it long coming. Its clear your friend doesn't value women or the work involved in running a household (with a kid no less) since he sees all the work you continue to do as "living off your husband".
I'm guessing this friend will never marry because as soon as any woman see how he lives she will turn and run the other way. I'm betting all the friends that are telling you to apologize are guys. You might have struck a nerve with them as well especially if they have girlfriends/wives in their lives. Don't apologize.