Friend demands overnight babysitting after husband leaves. 'You’d rather have fun than help me when I’m desperate!' AITA?
"AITA for not constantly helping my friend with her toddler?"
I (29F, childless) have recently had an argument with my friend (33F, one son aged two) because I was not constantly available to help her take care of her son after her husband left.
We met during college and have known each other for 8 years now. We were very tight during the first years of our friendship but have grown apart after her marriage, because of our busy schedules (we both have very demanding jobs with night shifts) and because our lifestyles became too different, but have remained in contact.
She has informed me last summer that her husband was planning to leave the country for an opportunity at his job, for an indefinite period of time. I asked her how she was planning to take care of her infant son on her own, especially during her night shifts.
She said that she would « figure it out » and added « you could stay the night at our house when I’m on call, so that if I have to leave, [name of her son] wouldn’t be alone ».
I figured that she meant that she would hire a nanny (she and her husband definitely have the means) and ask me to help if she didn’t have any other option, which I would’ve been glad to do. I should also mention that she lives far from my home and my workplace (approximately a 40 minutes drive).
Cut to this summer, her husband has left and I have received multiple texts asking me to stay the night at her place multiple times a month. I was very confused at first and has since understood that she didn’t make any arrangements and is fully expecting me to babysit her son whenever she is on-call (her family lives far away and she says that she doesn’t have any other friends she can ask).
Which is problematic for me since I work multiple late nights each week and have very little free time. I’ve had a burnout a couple of months ago (which she is aware of) and am still trying to recover, mostly by trying to make the most of the few moments when I’m not at work. I’ve tried to explain this to her and said that I would help her when I could but that she couldn’t reasonably expect me to be there every single time.
It turned into an argument where she called me selfish, said that she was there for me during my darkest moments (which is true, her husband and her helped me during a breakup a few years ago, but I thought it was unfair to bring that up since I’ve also helped her during low times). She said that I would rather « have fun » than be there for her when she desperately needs me to.
I don’t know what to think anymore, I feel very guilty but at the same time, it seems unfair that I would have to shoulder this responsibility, especially when things aren’t going so well in my own life. I also fear that she would become entirely reliant on me, since her husband is planning to stay abroad for an indefinite period of time.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA - She is seeking free childcare and weaponizing guilt in the process. You should at the very least charge her, but this sounds like an emotionally manipulative person not even worth staying friends with. I feel bad for that kid.
Exactly! And she’s not going through a dark time. She and her husband actively chose this arrangement and is now making it someone else’s problem.
NTA. You are not a partner or co-parent. Your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. She is also trying to emotionally manipulate you into thinking you are the one in the wrong here. You need to step back from this person and draw some hard lines about what is and is not acceptable.
Why are women so convinced that when dudes bail their female friends want to play house with them? She needs to hire a nanny or get a different job. You didn't marry her or get her pregnant. NTA.
NTA at all. It’s not okay for her to depend on anyone that she doesn’t plan to pay. If you want to help her here and there, that’s one thing. But I would definitely preface it with, “I can help you this day and that day but I’m just wondering what your long term plan is? I think you need a nanny or an au pair.” Some people become very entitled to receiving help when they children. It’s something I’ve never understood.
To be honest, I'm rather impressed how users are able to find people who can be used and feel bad about it. Of course NTA, but its so curious because:
"she didn’t make any arrangements and is fully expecting me to babysit her son whenever she is on-call"
If feel like this along makes a majority of people say kiss my ass how dare you who the eff you think I am, you are, etc etc. But theres a group of people who will KNOW that someone has this unreasonable expectation and feel guilty for not meeting it!
If we can channel that....I don't know to what, I'm willing to take suggestions, but theres gotta be better use for such a unique human reaction that AH making people feel guilty.
NTA - You're entitled to your time, spend it how you want. If you want to help once in a while, great! If not, also great! Nobody can make you do anything you don't want to do. It was her choice to have a kid, not yours. You said they have the means to hire a babysitter/nanny, so why don't they?
If she hasn't thought about it, ask her, and maybe if you have any knowledge on any good ones, suggest some to her. If she refuses then tell her that's her problem to figure out.
I'd say go low or no contact with her if possible, because she's going to keep trying to get you to babysit (probably for free too, seeing if she doesn't want to pay a babysitter/nanny) and then keep trying to guilt trip you when you want to spend YOUR free time the way YOU want. I know that'll suck, I had to cut off a friend of over a decade because of her actions. It's hard, but fully worth it if you deem it necessary.
I also question - if she's still with her husband, they're still married and he's moving to another COUNTRY indefinitely, why isn't she and her child moving with him? That seems very odd to me. I wonder if there's something more sinister going on with him moving countries just for a job. I know it's definitely possible that it's just for said job, but why isn't her and their son going with him?
ExplanationUnited848 (OP)
He basically feels like he has been stuck for several years at a job he is overqualified and underpaid for. He has been offered « his dream job » abroad with another company and my friend ultimately doesn’t feel like she can ask him to pass on the opportunity.
If she doesn't want to move with him to another country, it's not your responsibility to step in and provide childcare. Once in a while or for an emergency is great, but YOU ARE NOT THE PARENT. Absolutely NTA.