'You can't even spell his last name.' Sister shames twin for fourth baby with absent father. AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister it’s her fault she’s a single mom and to stop expecting me to care more about her kids than she does?"
AITA? I have a twin sister (25F) and I’ve been helping her with her kids for the past six years. She has three kids and is a single mom. Her kids father is not involved at all and never has been but she still keeps having kids with him.
I've asked for so many times why she keeps sleeping with him when he’s a deadbeat but she would get angry and say I’m victim blaming her since it’s not her fault he’s a deadbeat. Me and my mom and younger siblings have stepped up to help my sister with her kids.
It’s gotten harder with her youngest toddler being diagnosed with autism and has a lot of outbursts and special requirements. My mom and I have asked my sister for years to put her kids dad on child support but she complains she doesn’t know to how to spell his last name and he has two last names so they can’t find him.
Last month my sister announced she was pregnant again. Mind you we live in a four bedroom house, my mom and two little sisters share a room, I have my own room, my sister shares a room with her toddler and her two sons have their own room so all four rooms are occupied.
She told me that her toddler would have to move in with me since her room isn’t big enough for three people. She also hid the pregnancy until her second trimester. My mom and I broke down in frustration. I asked her who the father is and she said her children's dad.
My mom started screaming at her saying she’s disgusting for sleeping with a man that doesn’t take care of his kids (mind you my sisters ex has a girlfriend and my sister always insults her for dating a deadbeat but keeps sleeping with him).
I just graduated with my masters and started a new job the week before she announced her pregnant and planned to live at home for one more year to save before moving out.
I officially reached a breaking point and signed a lease to move out of my mom’s house in with my friend after her roommate moved on July 1st. I didn’t plan to tell my sister immediately because I knew she would freak out.
She caught me packing yesterday and asked if I’m going on a trip since she needs me to babysit this weekend. I said no that I’m moving next week. She started freaking out asking where and I didn’t go into detail.
She got upset saying I can’t leave she needs me and my mom and we’re her kids support system. I told her that it’s not been by choice and while our mom is her mom, I’m not her mom and have no obligation to help her plus I'll be giving an extra room for her and her kids.
She tried to pull the “identical twin DNA theyre yours too“ BS but I didn’t care. I got upset with her constant crying for me to stay and told her that she expects me to parent her kids more than their own father and she should be ashamed to continue sleeping with him after he abandoned her alone with the first child let alone having three more.
That man has literally never met his kids… she called me an AH for saying it’s her fault she’s a single mom and I’m victim blaming. AITA? I don’t blame her for being a single mom but I do blame her for having kids continuously with a man that is a deadbeat.
She said even if she keeps sleeping with him without him taking care of their kids it's still his fault. I told her that no good mother would keep sleeping with her kids dad after he abandoned them and to stop expecting me to care more about her kids than her?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
In order to be victim-blaming she would have to be a victim, and it sounds like the only thing she was a victim of was a sub-par Birds and the Bees chat. NTA, she made her choices.
This. OP, point out she is not the victim. She never has been. She has made choice after choice creating this situation. She keeps CHOOSING to sleep with the baby daddy. She keeps CHOOSING not to get his full name or contact information She keeps CHOOSING not to use condoms or another form of birth control.
Each time she has sex she is CHOOSING to engage in risky behavior. Your whole family needs to stop enabling her choices. Stop supporting her so she has to figure out how to not use and abuse other people. She is not the victim. The rest of you are. You guys are her victims.
I really am not down with the whole “but they’re family” point of view. Your sister isn’t a victim. She’s actively choosing to be taken advantage of knowing full well what’s going to happen and you are footing the bill so to speak. Stop helping. Period.
NTA. It is her fault she is a single mother with zero support from the children's father. She is a total A-H if she believes anyone believes her bs about not knowing his last name.
Just because you share the same DNA does not mean you are obligated to raise her children as a second mother. If your mother is willing to turn her life upside down to house and raise her grandchildren, that's her decision.
Good for you removing yourself from that enabling environment and no longer allowing your sister to use you. I suggest you not tell her where you will be living. Otherwise, she will show up an dump her kids on you to babysit while she does whatever. Do not tell your mother either since she enables your sisters irresponsible lifestyle, she will not keep you location from you sister.
Traditional_Yak_650 (OP)
Yeah it’s a hard decision but it has to be done. I was planning on moving out a year from now anyways but now I think is the best time. I told her to convert my room into a nursery but she’s still mad.
I do watch her kids a lot of time time so she’s losing childcare. I just worry my younger sister in middle school will become parentified by her and my mom once I’m gone. She also does babysit when me or my mom can’t. It just sucks.
Try to be available for your younger sister. Rescue her when you can. Someone needs to force your sister to be responsible for her own children. If you can, go by and pick up your sister early on Saturday or Sunday and take her to the park or library, any place you can spend hours comfortably together.
It will either force your sister to stay home with her own kids, actually pay someone for childcare, or your mother will be the free childcare. Talk to her about setting boundaries regarding babysitting to prevent your twin or mother from parentifying her.