'AITA for hiding the location of my best friend from my wife?' + UPDATE
"AITA for hiding the location of my best friend from my wife?"
About 5 years ago, I moved about 15 hours away from my hometown for a job. Shortly after moving, I met my now wife ("Becca"). A few years ago, I had a buddy ("JR") from back home come stay with me.
While here, he met my wife's sister ("Maggie"). JR and Maggie hit it off. They pretty quickly started dating. Maggie has a daughter from a previous relationship (daughter's dad is very much in the picture).
Almost a year ago, Maggie and JR moved in together. At the time, Maggie was living with her parents because she could not afford rent on her own. Things seemed to be going well.
It is a long story, but almost two months ago, JR got pretty irrefutable proof that Maggie was cheating on him. He was angry, depressed, and overall distraught. He could not deal with confronting her but he could also not deal with living with her.
He talked to me and wanted my help to get away. So, I reached out to my network of people, who are not mutual friends of Becca and I, to get him a place to stay. Becca, Maggie, Maggie's daughter, and my MIL were going out of town to visit MIL's mom a few weeks after he found out.
I had a work friend with a rent house. I helped JR pack his stuff (which was like 90% of the apartment), and he moved out. He sent an email to Maggie about why he moved out. He left a check for rent and utilities through the end of March when their lease is up and informed the landlord that he was not renewing.
Maggie got the email and called JR numerous times while on the trip. My wife called me and asked what was going on and where was JR. I told her that JR moved out and he was safe, but I will not tell her where he is.
They got back and Maggie flipped about all the stuff JR took. My wife was quite angry and demanded to know where JR was. I kept telling her that he is safe, but I am not telling her where he is.
The last month has been tense and my wife has begged and made threats to know where JR is. She has even tried using my phone to impersonate me to call JR and get information.
I have since changed my passcode. She says, "we are married, this is effecting my family, I deserve to know." I refuse. She has even talked about this being divorcable. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Maggie has made her bed, and she can lay in it (at least until the eviction notice rolls around). The fact that your wife has a bigger problem with JR leaving Maggie than she does with her sister cheating on JR says an awful lot about your wife.
As a woman myself, it doesn't say anything good. If your wife chooses to implode your marriage because her sister is a cheater, that is on her. You don't owe Maggie anything.
Bro, you’re protecting your friend from a cheater, not hiding a fugitive. Your wife acting like you put him in witness protection ?.
Not sure what the end game is here, find the guy and drag him back? Are they just upset they didn't get to have a row about having cheated on him? Seems to be absolutely no point in getting in contact, which presumably she can by email anyway if she wants to. Needing to know where your ex lives this desperately seems very weird.
Can only imagine the ex is hassling wife about it and now she's passing it on to him. Instead of telling her to move on, if this were the case with us then it would be wife cutting the sister off if she kept this up. Also threatening divorce is insanely manipulative, over where someone lives?
Sounds like your wife knew all about the cheating and didn't give a damn. Divorce might not be a bad option.
NTA. There is a reason JR doesn't want Maggie and her family finding him. It is very rare for men to disappear but your wife obviously doesn't care about the why.
NTA. Doesn't the reason JR left matter to your wife? Apparently not. Yes, it's affecting her sister, but mostly financially. If she's not working, she needs to find a job, and maybe move back with her parents until she can find another place to live.
JR and Maggie weren't married, so no divorce. Maggie and your wife just want to harangue the poor dude or guilt trip him into giving Maggie money. F that. And if your wife thinks divorcing you will solve her cheating sister's problems, she has another think coming.
The fact that she is placing her sister above everything including you, and that she is using the threat of divorce to coerce you, is beyond repulsive. Divorce her just for saying it.
I'm interested in why your wife/Maggie needs to know where JR lives - they've broken up, it's over, that's it... As ever, the best way to see how you feel about a situation is to turn it around, and look at it from other angles:
Let's say it was Maggie who moved out with your wife's help, she's ended the relationship and doesn't want JR to know where she now lives - now, can we imagine the response if you were pressuring your wife to tell you, and presumably JR, where she was living?
I'll be honest, I think that you're learning some really unpleasant things about your wife - attitudes to cheating, attitudes towards domestic violence, attitudes towards your autonomy. I'd be very tempted to see if JR has a spare bedroom you can stay in ...NTA.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Weeks after the post, Becca let slip that I knew where JR is located. This caused a slew of harassment from Maggie and my MIL. I refused to tell them where he is. Some choice words were exchanged between Maggie and I and I told her she is not allowed in my house until she apologizes. She refuses, so I have not seen her or my in-laws in about a month.
Since the end of March, Maggie has been living again with my in-laws. Becca tried to get me to agree to let Maggie and my niece move in, but I refused based on the conflict I have with Maggie and Becca's behavior the last couple of months.
Becca explained to me why she has been behaving the way she has the last couple of months. Maggie's ex has said that if Maggie moves back in with my in-laws, he is going to go for full custody of my niece.
The neighborhood where they in-laws live is rough and there is a fair bit of conflict between Maggie and my FIL. Since moving back in, my niece's dad's lawyer has reached out and indicated that they are going for full custody. Becca is blaming me and JR for this.
She is convinced that if they knew he was leaving, they could work something out to keep them together, or at least, keep Maggie in the apartment. I do not think that is the case at all.
JR is still processing things, but was willing now to speak to Maggie, so he reached out a couple of weeks ago. This past weekend, Maggie and JR spoke via FaceTime. Maggie wanted an in-person meeting, but JR absolutely refused.
Maggie apologized and tried to get JR to "reconsider for [my daughter]?" JR refused. Maggie had an emotional outburst and JR hung up on her. There is no plan for him to speak to her again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's update:
Your wife is delusional.
DO NOT let Maggie move in. She will NEVER move out.
NTA, and honestly? You’ve been the only adult in this situation. Becca blaming you and JR for Maggie’s custody issues is wild, considering Maggie’s own choices blew up her life. JR owes her nothing, and the fact that she tried to emotionally manipulate him “for your daughter” is so gross.
Like your daughter deserves love, not guilt-leveraged relationships. You set boundaries, stuck to them, and protected someone who needed space to heal. That’s not betrayal, that’s loyalty with a spine.
Honestly maybe the niece will be better off in the calm and stability of her fathers home. Maggie needs to get herself together.
Maggie effed up. Maggie continues to eff up. And Becca is trying to make Maggie's eff up YOUR problem. Or JR's. And it's neither. You don't need to take care of Maggie and her kid because she has an active father who likely has a valid reason to be upset about the current situation.
Maybe Maggie having no custody will wake her up, because all of this is through her own actions. She had a good guy and she cheated. She can't take care of herself and her kid and her parents have issues with her. The common denominator is Maggie. And you need to have a conversation with your wife that this isn't your problem and you don't want to make it be your problem.
Becca needs to recognize that Maggie is her own worst enemy. Becca needs to figure out if she wants to keep that BS drama in her life. You can easily walk away, and that's a conversation that should come up.
If there was a possibility of her losing custody of her child, then maybe she shouldn’t have been cheating in the first place If she loses her kid, it’s 100% on her If your wife refuses to acknowledge that reality, perhaps it’s time you reconsidered whether this marriage had long term potential. Sounds to me like your wife and sister are cut from the same cloth.