'AITA for 'punishing' my partner's daughter after finding out he was cheating on me?' UPDATED
"AITA for cutting my partner's daughter off after she had some type of relationship with the woman her father cheated with?"
Small_Ruin2385 writes:
I (F29) usually stay with my boyfriend Karl (M38) on weekends. He lives with his daughter (F16) when she's there, due to joint custody. He works a job that he hates because he has no opportunities for growing his career, so seven months ago, he started a company with an associate (Gaby, F35).
She's definitely successful and knowledgeable, so my concern was what would happen if she ever decided to cut him off. I'm mentioning this because his contribution to their association was bringing clients but not anything technical.
For the past five months, he stayed out late while working on their plans. I never had any reason for doubt or suspicion until he went to meet her on a Sunday afternoon. I didn't say anything because I know starting a business requires a lot of effort, but it's odd to allow an associate to interfere with family life.
Two weekends ago, she showed up and berated him for cheating on her. We were hanging out at his place with his two brothers, MIL, his daughter, and SIL. Gaby showed up knocking at the door while Karl was in the shower. I started getting weirded out when his family seemed hesitant to answer the door.
His brother finally went to talk to her, but she walked past him and confronted me. She asked about our relationship. I'll admit that I was a bit rude because I got defensive. His other brother went to get Karl, and it all turned into a s%#t show. At this point, I'm disgusted, and I don't know who was the real girlfriend and who was the side chick.
Also, it's worth noting that she accused his family of betraying her. Karl remained vague when I demanded some answers, and I felt like slapping him, but I controlled myself. She stormed out after an ugly exchange. I broke up with him that same day and haven't been able to find my way back into a good mental state. I can't believe anything he says, so whatever he explains will be a lie.
This is where I might be the a&%@ole: I made the decision to pull my support for his daughter. I had been paying for a makeup subscription box but canceled it. She was getting her prom dress as a loan from a friend of mine who has four girls.
I told my friend what happened, and we agreed that his daughter doesn't deserve any of my help. I also kicked them both out of my streaming services and will not help with the history school project, nor will I keep her in my magazine subscription plan.
Karl reached out, trying to discuss what I'm doing about his daughter. He said she's just a teenager and shouldn't pay for “his mistakes.” I agree that she has no power to keep him from doing bad things or to keep him from being a liar.
And I know that she wouldn't be in a position to tell or warn me that her dad was cheating. But she's almost 17 (next month), she's very mature, and she's definitely capable of telling right from wrong. She had ZERO problems getting stuff and receiving help and favors from me and was comfortable asking for things.
She's not a brat or the demanding type. She low-key asked for stuff, and I was happy to help. I'm sure she also benefited from Gaby because it makes sense, as I'm under the impression that Gaby was no stranger to her either. I told him, "Let Gaby do it," and he tried to complain about how Gaby "vandalized" their website.
She took their page down, and all it shows is a black screen. He says she locked him out of all the logins and supposedly had all her contacts block him. AITA? My friends are divided over this—not because of him, but because they say she's just a teenager.
OP posted an update two days later.
I reached out to Gaby via social media, and she replied. I explained my position and that I didn't know about her, hence I was very rude and reacted with hostility. We exchanged messages. She says that initially, he told her that we were in an open relationship that was about to end. They were talking for months before they began their relationship.
She says he first introduced his kid, then his younger brother, and that she met his mom when Paul invited her for lunch and had his mom show up without telling her. Also, she said that his mom was less than friendly and that his mother made a small scene because she decided to pick a fight with her boyfriend (he and MIL are currently broken up). There's no way that she's making this up—MIL treated that guy like s#*t.
About his daughter: Paul used to visit Gaby on some weekends and would leave his kid at Gaby's place because they bonded over DIY projects. Now I know where his daughter got her “faery,” “witchy,” “fantasy,” “elf” polymer clay jewelry and hair accessories from. So I guess his working-on-weekend gigs was a lie.
She said they became a couple about a month or two after starting their company because she wouldn't accept an open relationship. He told her that we were done when, in fact, we never broke up, had a crisis—nothing.
Gaby mentioned that her dad f^#%ing hates him and that things began to get rough because of things he did and her dad noticed. She says she, her dad, and other family members always meet for Saturday dinner or Sunday brunch at a particular restaurant and that her dad noticed how she always paid for Paul and his kid.
And if Paul ever paid for his food, he didn't pay for hers. She said her dad called her out because her dad would usually pay for everyone (his treat, his family), and he was getting very uncomfortable about Paul. He paid for Paul to avoid making a scene but was fed up.
So her dad told Paul he expected to be treated for a change (as a hostile joke) when they arrived at the restaurant, and Paul was very offended and later told her that her dad's remark was a put-down.
She also said that her best friend raised concerns about him and that everything started to crumble because he didn't attend her family's Christmas lunch as he promised, and he remained a bit low-key during the holidays, claiming to have influenza. He used both of us, but he took far more advantage of her because she made material things available.
And while I don't know her except for this situation, her messages show that she's very affected but mostly angry, and I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up destroying him (she repeatedly mentioned that he deserved to have his life ruined).
I didn't know that Paul didn't get an MBA like he told me. He never worked the two jobs that he told me about and also put on his résumé. She found out because she paid for background checks and other tools when things started not adding up.
Supposedly, this was part of why she started testing his abilities and had been thinking about pulling the plug business-wise. She says it's all bullshit and that he's very insecure about his social standing.
She told me a lot of stuff, but in a nutshell, I'm going to get tested for STDs and already told my family what happened. I'm leaving it at that because writing about it really irritates me for being stupid enough to believe him. Thanks again.
Here are the top rated comments.
Professional_Park791 says:
This whole situation is a masterclass in why you should never ignore red flags. The dad lied about everything—his relationship, his job, his education—and somehow still had the audacity to act offended when people didn’t cater to him.
The daughter is just a casualty in all this, but wow… imagine finding out your dad is not just a cheater but also a full-time con artist. Hope OP gets tested and then BLOCKS everyone involved.
lollyslays says:
NTA. You were never stupid—he was just a master manipulator who juggled lies like a full-time job. The fact that both you and Gaby saw through him in the end says everything. Glad you're prioritizing yourself now, and honestly, he deserves whatever karma has in store.
Dresden_Mouse says:
This only solidify the NTA to me, this is a family of users and leeches, hopefully this facing of the consequences can teach the kid a lesson about exploiting people kindness. Block and move on.
Dranask says:
Congratulations it’s very easy to be mislead and gaslit by a partner. My ex did it for several years. It was only after the divorce I even found out there was another man. He moved in 3 months after. Hopefully Gaby and yourself can support each other and assist in tightening any screws.