My ex husband and I were together for 17 years and have two children together. We were high school sweethearts. Got married young and moved to NYC shortly after college where he incorporated a startup that found big success fast.
We were graciously rewarded financially but I still continued to work myself. Both our schedules often ran late into the night and we both made very frequent business trips. This led us down the nanny route.
Initially, we hired three young women to take care of our children. The main nanny cared for them during the week and a separate, “secondary” nanny would do the weekend duties on the occasion that both my husband and I were out of town.
The third was mostly a backup/fill in for the other two. Our head nanny left after a year to pursue a different career. We then decided to promote secondary nanny to the main nanny role and the backup nanny to the secondary position.
A few months in, I began to notice my husband having extra attitude with me. He was constantly taking his stress out of me, which was completely out of character for him.
I started noticing mood improvement when the main nanny was around and admittedly (though I didn’t want to accept it at the time) caught him checking her out on more than one occasion. She was exceptionally more warm to him than me.
He eventually filed for divorce. Less than a year after it was finalized, to the shock of no one, they began dating and were engaged and married within another year. My ex and I have joint custody.
They stay with their dad during the week, he kept the home they grew up in which is also within close proximity to their school. They spend weekends and most holidays with me. I am still in the city so it’s easy to transport them from here to there and see them as often as I wish most days.
I rarely speak to her. The only time I ever have the displeasure of encountering her is during kid swap. I remain cordial but another part of me cannot fathom humanizing this woman who evidently played a massive role in ending my marriage. She’s a homewrecker.
Recently, I’ve noticed my kids have been referring to her as ‘Mom’ while speaking of her. My ex and this woman are brainwashing MY children into believing this be the norm. She pops out a new baby every year, they are currently on #6 together and have only been married seven years. Those can be her kids, the older two are not no matter how much she and my ex feel entitled to thinking otherwise.
Over the weekend, it slipped out. She came up during a conversation in which my son referred to her as mom and I replied “she isn’t your mom”. Monday morning, I got a livid text from my ex that ended with “see you in court”. I will admit I’m feeling a bit scared. Having a hard time sleeping and can’t focus on much right now.
NTA. And he can’t take you to court over this. He’s just being a jerk. You are your children’s mom, period, end of story.
How old are your kids?
ThrowRA4915888 (OP)
17 and 14.
He can’t do anything in court, in fact he would be showing he’s trying to alienate you if he tried so quietly let him push for that - and get a pitbull lawyer ready meanwhile. Make sure he pays legal fees for his antics (your lawyer can fight for that). Your sons know you’re their mom.
Your kids are 17 and 14. Likely, they have figured out what you have. If they have or haven't, though, it is not the point. She was their nanny. Their caretaker for years. Then she became their stepmother in the home they spend most of their time.
She's now the mother to their younger siblings. Who they probably refer to her as mom/mommy to all the time. "Go ask Mommy if you can have a snack." "Tell mom we are going to take a walk." That kind of thing.
Apparently, due to all the time, proximity, and siblings, they have a close bond with her. One that is close enough, they call her mom. You are not the AH for being angry at your ex or her. You are for making that your kids' issue. Snapping at your son is not the answer.
Your kid apparently didn't feel comfortable discussing it with you, but did their dad (you don't mention a conversation, just the text from the ex). They are teenagers and definitely don't want to be in the middle of mom and dad. Don't put them in a position where they feel they have to choose.
I'm a single mom and definitely wouldn't want my kids calling someone else mom. While I dont think your ex would get much if anything out of court, he can make you spend time and money on it anyway. That said, you could still alienate your kids from you. Don't take out your mad at the ex and his wife on the kids.
NTA. Get a lawyer. Go to court. You need to sue for parental alienation. She’s not their mother, she’s a homewrecker. You hired her to care for your kids, not your freaking husband.
My ex husband actually got full custody of his 7 yr old daughter because of parent alienation. They enrolled her in school under her stepfather’s last name. They wrote the stepfather’s last name on her backpack.
They also had accused my ex of SA. CPS closed the case because there was no evidence whatsoever. He got full custody of his daughter with supervised visits. It as a long, arduous journey. I’m telling you this so you can document EVERYTHING. Stay strong, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I totally get why you're angry and I even understand you said this, but your kids are in the end the people who decide what they call their stepmom. Whether you like it or not she plays an important role in their lives.