'AITA for hoping my dad’s wife won’t make her kid move out so he’ll divorce her?' + SISTER'S RESPONSE

"AITA for secretly hoping my dad’s wife doesn’t make her kid move out so he’ll finally divorce her?"

I (26F) am not my dad’s wife’s biggest fan. Honestly, I can’t stand her. They’ve been together for about 4-5 years. After my parents’ divorce, my dad dated a lot but none of the relationships lasted longer than a few months. I figured this one would be the same.

When I got married, I let him bring her even though they were only dating. I didn’t want him to travel alone. Huge mistake. She caused drama the entire weekend—complained about not being included in hair/makeup with my bridal party, threw a fit over where she was seated for the 15-minute ceremony, and got wasted before it even started.

She had to be escorted back to her room while crying hysterically… in front of most of my guests. Thankfully, she came back and didn’t cause more issues, but then played the victim when I didn’t want to talk to her afterward.

Four months later, we found out they got married before they even got engaged—without telling me or my sister. That was a slap in the face. I thought I was close with my dad. We tried to be supportive, but it still hurt. Since then, it’s been pretty obvious she doesn’t like us.

She acts weirdly territorial—like she’s competing with me for my dad’s attention which is disturbing. Constantly touching him when I’m around, basically sitting in his lap, I can’t call him when he’s with her because she listens, and she always has excessive amounts of cleavage showing as if I’m a threat. That’s my dad, so I definitely not a threat that’s disturbing.

She also made it clear her kids come first. Her two kids (college-aged) still live at home and treat my dad like he doesn’t exist—rude, disrespectful, and she allows it. Meanwhile, she’s done subtle things to push my sister and me away, like having different rules for her kids vs my sister when she lived with them and always needing to be around when we hang out with our dad.

Her kids didn’t talk to my sister the whole year they all lived together. She buys everything for her rude kids and they both barely work. Her daughter gets monthly facials and massages while my sister and I have never had that luxury in this economy.t

My sister and I are the problem and her kids are the exception. She made sure that if something happened to my dad my sister and I now have to split everything with her kids…

Even though her kids don’t like my dad. She inserts herself in conflicts between my dad and us, as if he needs protection from his own daughters. I’ve snapped at her for this before. It’s hard to put into words but as a woman I can tell when another woman doesn’t like me and my dad’s wife does NOT like me.

She calls herself our “stepmom,” which feels like a joke—I was already married when they met. She didn’t raise me, and now she’s calling herself grandma to my kid? No he already has two biological grandmas.

Now the current situation: My dad told me he gave her an ultimatum—her oldest needs to move out, or he’s moving out. She promised her kid would leave soon. He truthfully doesn’t seem happy and has said stuff like she’s a bad mom and that he regrets moving in with her and her kids. And here’s where I might be the AH…

I kind of hope she doesn’t follow through. I hope her kid stays, so my dad finally hits his limit and divorces her. I miss having a relationship with my dad. I want him back—the version of him before she came along and turned everything into this toxic mess. So...AITA for wishing that her kid doesn’t move out so their marriage falls apart?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

OverRice2524 said:

NTA. Nope. Not even a little bit. You just want your dad back. Maybe you should tell him how happy it would make you to have him and only him more in your life.

Lann42016 said:

NTA id go as far as helping dad find his own space or offer him a room if needed. “That’s great dad, you should stand up for yourself. If she doesn’t get rid of the kids and you need a place to stay I’ll make room for you at my place or help you find your own place. You are not alone and dad remember, I love you and just want you to be happy.”

Clear-Ad-5165 said:

NTA - Your dad chose his wife and kids over his own, why are you only mad at his wife, he chose them.

Sharp_Magician_6628 said:

I’d tell your dad “I will no longer be in contact with you as long as you are still married to her. She has treated me and sister horribly and you stood by and did nothing to shut her down. You may have been trying to be a good husband, but in doing so you were a sh!tty father and we are disappointed in you for failing to be a good father”

Try and get your sister to cut contact with him as well. Maybe when he realizes he’s losing both of you because of her, he’ll leave and divorce her.

PeppermintEvilButler said:

He's her meal ticket, of course she's using him to sublimate her kids lifestyles as well. There's nothing you can do unless your dad actually means to leave her for her bs. Is there a large age gap?

And OP responded:

No large age gap they are the same age and she makes more than him so he’s not her meal ticket. He make good money on his own but she makes more. He brings insurance benefits, a retirement and free college to the marriage.

She then shared this post from her sister, adding context to the situation:

Hello everyone! I’m actually the sister mentioned in the post! (21F) Some people have responded to our concerns about our father and his new marriage by saying we’re being territorial, bitter, or that we should stay out of it. I’d like to set the record straight and share some important context that’s being overlooked.

First, and most importantly: this is coming from a place of love. My sister and I deeply love our father. We’ve never spoken from hate, and we would never cut him off or abandon him, no matter what. We’re not interested in drama, control, or money. That’s simply not who we are.

[I’m also going to call my dad’s current wife “Lynn” to make it easier to read. *This is NOT her real name for privacy purposes]

This is not about inheritance or finances. If our father (God forbid) passed away tomorrow and left us nothing, we wouldn’t care. What hurts is knowing that before he married Lynn; he repeatedly told us how much he disliked her children, and how difficult they were, and how he didn’t want to be around them.

But he still chose to bring them into his home and his finances in a major way. That’s confusing and painful to witness. We honestly don’t care who he marries, as long as he is genuinely happy. But he’s told us—more than once—that he’s not. He confides in us about how miserable he feels, how hard it is living with her children, and how he regrets certain decisions.

His mental and physical health have both noticeably declined since moving in with them. As his daughters, it’s hard to watch this happen and say nothing. We haven’t told him to leave her, nor have we disrespected her. But we are allowed to be concerned.

Now, about my own experience living with them: When it was just me and my dad/sister, things were wonderful. We cooked together, rode bikes, and had a strong, happy relationship. He was relaxed and joyful. That changed after the marriage. It felt like our bond was pushed aside. Lynn and her children completely changed the dynamic of the home… and not for the better.

We welcomed every woman he dated over the years with open arms. We’ve always approached his relationships with respect. When he told us he was going to propose to Lynn three years ago, we were surprised.. especially since he’d nearly broken up with her just months before because of serious issues with her kids. It felt sudden and uncharacteristic.

All we want is for our dad to be supported, healthy, and at peace. We’re not trying to control his life. We’re just asking people to understand that voicing concern doesn’t mean we’re being cruel or greedy. It means we care.

Thank you to those who have responded with support. We don’t have anyone to talk to that is unbiased on the situation. Now onto the “fun” details and my experience living with them :)

Here’s a rough timeline to help it make sense: August, 4 years ago – They meet (estimated), April the following year – Wedding meltdown, May– Almost broke up August – married, September – engaged, October - bought house

When my dad proposed to Lynn, he brought us all on an awkward weekend trip to celebrate. That meant her adult children, my sister and her husband, and my boyfriend and I sharing an Airbnb. We only found out he was proposing shortly before the trip, and to say we were shocked would be an understatement. It felt performative, rushed, and disorienting.

And wait… does that timeline seem confusing to you? Because we were very confused too. Just two months after we decorated that Airbnb for what we thought was their engagement, we found out they had actually secretly gotten married before that trip.

The “proposal” had been for show... Lynn wrote her kids a letter and gave it to them to break the news before they walked off into the sunset (later returning with a new ring and smiles). My dad told us to decorate the dining room to surprise his new fiancé.

While we were doing that Lynn’s daughter tiptoed/ran into the kitchen dropped the envelope on the counter and ran out quietly and didn’t say a word. They didn’t come out the rest of the trip.

So if it sounds like my family wasn’t supportive.. her kids didn’t even show up for the engagement. All I know is Lynn went in their room after and talked to the (adult) children. They were very upset.

Now fast forward to what came next: my year of hell.

After signing the marriage license, they started moving at lightning speed to fuse every part of their lives together. They bought a brand-new house to fit her two kids and myself. (They even picked a model with features they didn’t like, just to move faster.)

At the time, my mom lived two hours away, and my boyfriend and I couldn’t yet afford a place of our own. So if I wanted to stay near family, I had no choice but to live with them. It all sounded nice because my room was on the opposite side of the house from the master bedroom and her kids’ rooms. I had my own bathroom; her kids shared a larger one. But trust me.. it wasn’t far enough.

I’m going to keep this short for now but I have a lot of crazy stories if anyone wants to hear more.. Her kids were awful to live with. They left greasy food smears on the fridge, filthy counters, and the whole house smelled. Even the housekeeper complained… she said their rooms stank..

When the son opened his door, it reeked down the hall. They never spoke to me. I tried at first, but they were rude and dismissive. (The housekeeper didn’t clean my room, I’m an adult I let my dad know I can do that myself…)

The daughter constantly sang loudly around the house, even late at night, right past my room by the front door. They didn’t care about anything or anyone. They slammed everything from doors, drawers, and toilet lids so hard my dad had to install soft-close lids so they wouldn’t break anything.

They microwaved nasty smelling frozen dinners that stunk up the whole house. (They don’t know how to cook, or any basic life skills such as cleaning, and socializing)

Now you might ask who in their right mind would put up with that??! Well I had actually moved out for the summer two years ago because I couldn’t stand it anymore. Once I found out my sister was having a baby I moved back in with my dad because I wanted to be near her.

I worked 3 jobs to avoid being in that house. Two day jobs throughout the week (over 30hrs) and an out of town weekend job… I was also taking a few classes at the time.. I have photos of stress hives all over my body it was a nightmare and I can’t believe I lived there that long…

Lynn would constantly cry to my dad saying that she knows her kids are messed up but still refuses to do anything to fix it. When I talked to my dad about it he would just tell me to shut my mouth and that she’s under enough stress from her job. It was constant excuses for her kids. They had their own version of mommy’s credit card to buy massages and facials and the most they did was take that away…

Earlier during the wedding fiasco I went to check on Lynn after she was escorted to her room… she opened the door butt naked while holding nothing but a small hotel pillow in front of her body and gave me a hug while drunk and crying hysterically. She cried about how her kids were awful, and about the damn ceremony seating chart.

When we got back home our dad demanded we move forward and forgive her because he loves her and she was sorry… she wanted to give me a hug.. and well after the last one she gave me I refused..

My sister and I are at a loss. Anytime we do or say something our “stepmom” doesn’t like… something as small as not greeting her enthusiastically enough or not inviting her first to an event.. she gives my dad the cold shoulder. She’ll ignore him completely or cry to him about how her feelings are hurt.

Then he comes to us, asking that we apologize or say something to make her feel better. It’s always over something petty and unnecessary. We’ve never gone out of our way to be rude to her. We try to be respectful and polite, but it’s like walking on eggshells constantly. We are in a way… in the middle of it…

We love our dad and want him in our life.. this all might make him sound cruel but ultimately it’s 100% her manipulating him to act this way. He’s still living in that house dealing with two people not even looking in his direction and a wife who’s always upset and crying over something.

It’s not a healthy marriage. We can’t say or do anything to fix it, and we’re watching our dad’s mental and physical health decline because of it. That’s all I have for now it’s an absurd situation and we are hoping for a good outcome.. if he does stay with her I hope it gets better and that they can work out her and her kids issues.. but if the only way to get my dad back is if they divorce.. I won’t be upset over it.. AITA??

This is what commenters had to say:

Wed_PennyDreadful13 said:

1st. Hope he has a prenup. 2nd why do you need to see her to see him, is there anyway around this? Cause, Lynn would have ended up in a headlock with me.

She responded:

No prenup they “looked each other in the eyes” and promised to not take each other money in the event of a divorce or untimely death… he went all in and he’s regretting it but still avoiding the issues.. that comment made me laugh😆 the funny thing is I have yelled and fought back and moved out.. it’s in his hands now.

I rarely see him and when I call him I make sure that they aren’t together so I can actually speak to him and not her through him. I’m also joining the military so that will add some guaranteed distance.. I’m just worried about my own wedding.. if you read my sister’s post you’ll see that she wants to call herself grandma..

I fear for when I have kids and want them to see their grandpa… she will never be grandma.. not unless she does a full 360 degree change in her behavior but that’s unlikely.

Present-Duck4273 said:

You are treating your dad like a child. Lynn is obviously bad news, but your dad is a grown man who is choosing this situation. He is actively choosing someone who puts his kids in uncomfortable positions.

You guys have a few choices: 1) continue on as you have and just hope for the best, 2) tell your dad that seeing him like this hurts you and you no longer want a relationship with his wife or her kids, but you will always be there for him just see him separately, 3) tell him you’re done and though you love him, you need a break from the drama of his wife and her kids. Go LC with him and NC with her.

And cassiesfeetpics said:

this infantilization of a grown man is SO disgusting. your dad CHOSE to marry her. he AGREED to moving her kids in. he DOESN'T care that she's infiltrating y'alls relationship. when will you get the hint???