'AITA for housing only one nephew for college? The one I'm housing needs the help.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for housing only one nephew for college?"

I (F39) am very much NOT a kid person. I can tolerate them in small doses, but I also find them uninteresting/annoying and don't want any of my own. I'm well aware that some find my child-unfriendliness off putting and can strategically fake it until I make it most of them time.

I just prefer to avoid situations/relationships where I'm expected to interact with kids but when I can't, I radiate "don't talk to me" energy to deter them and will try to pawn them off/redirect them and escape. I had the good fortune to be the baby of the family during my generation, but as my siblings and cousins started having kids, they resented me for being a "d**dbeat aunt" (as one cousin put it).

They kept pushing me to be involved with their kids, and I eventually snapped and told them how I felt about kids in general; afterwards, I was slowly iced out socially. I stopped trying when I was hospitalized and only 1 person even bothered to visit, or even call. The one exception was my brother Michael (M43).

He never questioned or undermined my decision. He was that one sole visitor when I was hospitalized. He never tried to force his son Adam (M18) upon me, nor did he resent that I didn't take a serious interest in Adam until he was 14. Even when he was in the trenches in regard to parenting, he still made time to call or text, if sporadically. In the present, Adam is the only niece/nephew that I care about.

Yes, his cousins did not receive a fair opportunity to bond with me. Yes, I'm playing favorites; I've set up a 10K college fund, I take him out for experiences monthly, and I've given him some pricey gifts, while his cousins get zilch. Yes, this has caused friction in the past, but I've always been happy to be the bad guy.

I try to be discreet (Adam has been instructed to attribute the gifts to his father and not me, and I did not tell him about the college fund until a month ago). My latest gift however, has led to a major fall out. I live in a desirable location in a major city with a while Michael/Adam lives nearby.

Adam was recently accepted to his dream school in said city, but it's out of his budget. I offered to let him live rent-free with me, which would allow him to commute (my house is much close to campus) and thus, afford it. The issue is my other nephew Alex was also accepted into that school, and it's also his dream school. Alex comes from a disadvantaged background while Adam is middle class.

Alex won a partial scholarship to said school, but it's still not enough. When he heard about my offer to Adam, he asked (using Adam as an intermediary) to be included. I refused. I've nothing against Alex, but I also haven't talked to him for 15 years (not that we were ever close) and we simply don't have an emotional connection.

It would also come at a massive opportunity cost; I rent out my spare bedrooms, and I'd lose 38K in rental income (yes, this is well below market rate) over 4 years. Most of my relatives are now in arms.

They've given the ultimatum that either 1) I extend my offer to Alex as well 2) I rescind my offer 3) Adam rejects my offer, or they will go NC with Adam and Michael.

They're calling Adam the "golden child" (he's an only child), say that Alex deserves my help far more, and are "tired" of my favoritism. They're not wrong about my favoritism, but honestly...IDGAF (about my ex-family). Though I never blocked them or had a big fallout, we've been effectively NC.

I value chosen family over people who happen to share my DNA and we've both made choices that demoted them to the latter category. I'm also of the opinions that aunts and uncles are entitled to have preferences. Furthermore, I don't see what makes Alex more deserving; he certainly needs the help more, but that's not my tab to pay.

Adam is in a more complicated situation. Michael is willing to support whatever Adam chooses and refuses to pressure him. Adam and Alex aren't close, but accepting my offer would mean giving up many other familial bonds that Adam does value; rejecting it means Adam giving up on his dream school. I do feel bad that my offer is forcing Adam to choose.

EDIT: I can't believe that I have to say this explicitly, but I DON'T HATE KIDS. They're just not my cup of tea. You cannot like something and not want to throw it into a trash compactor.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

anon1234 wrote:

NTA. Family who iced you out for years doesn't get to make demands about your money now.

[deleted] responded:

Idkk have to ask why a whole family has iced out OP. I find it hard to believe OP did absolutely nothing to warrant that. And given this post i can kinda see why…

OP responded:

It's so heavily implied in the post that I didn't think that I needed to state it out loud explicitly; I'm not a kid person. For many people (including my bio family), there is no space in between adoring children and wanting them to d** horrible deaths.

[deleted] wrote:

You're technically right but YTA IMO. How are you surprised your family stopped being interested in seeing you when you told them you hated their kids. Apparently they were supposed to basically have an entirely separate kid-free relationship with you?

OP responded:

Never said hate, just not interested in. Hate and indifference are totally different things. I hate and will go out of my way to squish every mosquito I see, but I'm ok with spiders, even if I'd rather they not be in my house.

And yes, you can have a relationship with a person and not their kids, because some parents have a life and sense of self independent of their kids. Michael was able to do it, I have 2 parents friends that were able to do it, it's not impossible.

Asleep_Objective5941 wrote:

NTA. Please sit down with Adam and Michael so the two of you can explain everything to him. It is not fair that they are going to ostracize him for saying yes go your offer. Because of that, he needs to know the truth in the event it does happen and, hopefully, understand that they are taking the issues they have with you out on him.

At least this way if he says yes, he knows the 'why' behind their possible behavior. And, I'd probably take Alex out of have a phone call and explain it to him too because he too is of age to understand what relationships can get you, or how the lack of relationships can close doors/opportunities.

OP responded:

I don't think that I should have to explain it to Alex. Even at his age, it was pretty intuitive to me that there is a direct correlation between how close your relationship is with someone and how big a favor you ask of them. Michael already knows, and he and I have explained the situation to Adam already

lapsteelguitar wrote:

Wait...your family is going to punish your brother & his son for a decision YOU made? Did I get that right? I understand why they would do that. You are beyond their reach in terms of their ability to punish you. So they are going to punish the innocent. How f#$king cruel. Unfortunately, OP, you have no tools to use against your AH family.

Q: Do you really think the broader family will cut off your brother & his son? Are they really willing to go that far? Or do you think some of them will break from the family & maintain that relationship? Can this fracture the family, and can your brother & son use that threat of fracture against them?

In your shoes, I would be very tempted to go out with both of my middle fingers in the air. If you get my drift. NTA. Quite the opposite. You are a woman of vision & humanity. Don't let this change you.

OP responded:

If Adam and Michael have to use the threat of familial breakup to cow relatives into submission, then perhaps they aren't worth the effort of keeping in his life. The ones that would keep in touch would have done so anyway

mmmmm_pi wrote:

NTA. Go do your thing and focus on the people who have shown they actually care about you. A bit of advice is that you should learn to bend the truth when it suits you. For example, this whole housing thing and renting out rooms and whether or not you can accommodate Alex is a situation where a bit of deception would have gone a long way.

For example, when asked if you can house Alex, you could have said, "Sorry, I don't have any space in the house and all the current tenants have over 2 years left on their leases. I had no idea Alex was considering university in my city since we have not spoken in many years."

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I saw a few questions in my last post that I wanted to address:

Why not try to form a bond with Alex now? He comes across as a gold digger and disingenuous seeing as he was perfectly happy being distant from me without something to gain.

Why distance yourself for Alex's parent's sins?

I didn't. I just don't have a reason to try to form a bond with him. Just like I don't have a reason to connect with cashier at my local grocery store.

Many people that didn't meet by circumstance meet because of a social lubricant that brought them together; aunt/nephew ties are facilitated by said aunt's ties to the child's parents/wider family, and said ties do not exist in this case.

A relationship with Alex might also be a liability if our relatives try to weaponize it in some way, and given that they already tried with Adam...I'll pass.

Why didn't you put your bio family on an information diet?

I did. Unfortunately, I suspect that Adam slipped up during his excitement at being given the chance to attend his dream school after thinking that he couldn't. I've always stressed the importance of secrecy, but up to this point he's never experienced conditional love, and in his naiveness, believed the best from his relatives.

It's a lesson that I wish he'd learned in a different manner, but what's done is done. I did see the suggestion about claiming that I have a long term lease on my other rooms, and that probably wouldn't work; my relatives would probably demand that I try to break the lease (taking on the penalties) or that Alex and Adam share a room.

Could you compromise? Is there a win-win solution for both Adam and Alex? Maybe let them share a room? Perhaps, but you NEVER negotiate with bullies-it sends the wrong message. Also, it would be incredibly awkward and tense between Alex and I, never mind Alex and Adam, who would be living in the same room.

Why not just rent out the room, and send Adam the proceeds so he can get a room elsewhere?

My rates are well below market value, and it would not cover the cost of a room elsewhere in the area for Adam.

I could raise the price to market value, but then I'd have to explain to said potential tenants why they're being charged so much more than the tenant that I already have. I also don't want to raise my rates on principle; I don't like that landlords/private equity are intentionally squeezing the housing market.

The only reason why I'm renting out my rooms is because they'd be sitting empty otherwise, and offering them cheaply was a compromise between pragmatism and my values.

I actually would've preferred a smaller place but there weren't any smaller houses that ticked off my non-negotiable requirements.

You've no right to feel hurt over being abandoned in the hospital! You pushed them away!

As acknowledged in my post, everyone made decisions that contributed to me going NC; I was disinterested in the center of their world, and they couldn't accept me as who I was. And while I certainly self selected out of kid-centric events, I repeatedly tried to reach out to arrange kid-free hangouts.

Heck, I would've been ok with occasional texts/phone calls-that was literally the only way Michael and I stayed in touch until Adam was 7. And the hospital incident didn't hurt me so much as it was the final nail that ended any hope of reconciliation. I was well aware that our relationship was fraying well before the incident.

Update: As for the actual updates, Michael, his wife and I were gearing up to have a talk with Adam to discuss his options, go over the pros and cons and long term effects, reaffirm our support and nudge him in the right direction. It turns out, we didn't need to, though not for the reason that we'd like.

Adam call me yesterday, clearly upset. Apparently, his cousins have been talking smack behind his back, saying some really nasty and cruel things and targeting some of his deepest insecurities. Even if he wanted to make peace with Alex, it wouldn't be possible now.

I still think that it would be beneficial to have the talk with him though, if only to help process his feelings. It isn't all doom and gloom though. A friend of a friend is apparently an interviewer for a job that one of the nasty cousins has applied for, and asked about a week ago if I knew them (we look similar and have an unusual family name) and had any tea.

No, I was not listed as a reference. I didn't know the cousin well enough to comment back then, but now? Guess who's gonna get a call and a warning not to hire that cousin due to "bad character"? Did I also mention that said job was in a small industry with typically only 1 employer per area? Yes, I'm a petty queen and I own it.

The commenters did not hold back.

Malphas43 wrote:

So basically, the cousins are as bad as if not worse than their parents. It sounds to me like the only relatives that don't have to be worried about being screwed over by others are you, Adam, and his dad. The rest are stuck with the other self serving AHs.

nuta172 wrote:

I fully support the pettiness. FAFO in action. I think it would have been hard for Adam not to tell any family members that he was living with you for several years. So it's a good lesson for him.

Ravenmnm wrote:

Your story fascinates me because the internet so often supports people who set boundaries and condemns entitled people. The boundaries you set, however, are sparking a lot of backlash this time around.

You sound to me like someone who has accepted the fact that your personal preferences make you intolerable to your family, except Michael and his wife, who did not force Adam on you until he was well out of the toddler stage.

Perhaps I identify with you because my partner and I are also not "baby or toddler" people, which is why we chose to adopt older children. Our daughters are now in their 40s and living happy, productive lives. Not only did we NOT suffer for avoiding young children; in our case it was a huge benefit to our daughters, whose odds of being adopted were not good.

We adored them almost from the day we met and we are so grateful we had the opportunity to form an awesome family. Please make sure Michael's family knows what a wonderful gift they gave you by respecting your decisions and not jumping on the family bandwagon of "love me, love my kids!" Adam should not be vilified nor shunned for having great parents. Good luck!

I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:

Still NTA. It’s a shame Alex and the other cousins haven’t escaped the conditioning of their parents and remain petty, backstabbing, entitled emotional-parasites with aspirations to be gold diggers. Adam now has incentive to get as far from the family crab bucket as humanly possible.

It’s a painful lesson, but one better learned now when he’s got a whole life of freedom ahead of him before they could truly exploit him. You’re a good aunt. Also it’s not petty, it’s karma. If the cousin will happily talk shit behind a ‘loved ones’ back they sure as hell won’t hesitate to spread harmful rumours through the workplace.

Or resort to emotional blackmail to get what they want given the morals of the relatives they’re closest to. You’re being a Good Samaritan warning that interviewer against hiring someone far too immature for a grown up workplace.

Five days later, OP shared another update.

I thought it was implied that Adam was accepting my offer and staying with me for college, but yes, he is. Michael, his wife and I had the conversation with Adam to help him process what his cousins did, we assured him that nothing that happened was his fault. He still sad, but seems to be doing better.

Speaking of my plans...I did make the call to the said acquaintance about my cousin. They mentioned that said cousin had been neck-in-neck with their competition and and there was one final, inconveniently timed (for the acquaintance) interview, and they outright thanked me for "giving them an excuse to cancel."

The petty b**ch in me also decided to look up nearby similar jobs and found that unlike one I just blocked the cousin from, they were not unionized, likely mismanaged, and paid considerably less.

The cherry on top is that when I told Adam, he seemed really happy, and added that the site for the job that the cousin just lost was a 10 minute commute. His mom scolded me for being childish, but her face said otherwise. Unless something unexpected happens, I expect that this will be the final update.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

Technical_Lawbster wrote:

You're petty...I like you.

I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:

It’s not being petty, it’s enforcing your reputation as a reputable member of your industry and as a reliable reference. It’s a shame your cousin has displayed such unreliable and unprofessional habits, but very kind of you to forewarn someone who contacted you for a character reference.

Such a shame your cousin never made the effort to be someone worthy of a good reference. Or at least was decent enough that you’d have nothing negative to say…

Karma.

MasterpieceOk4688 wrote:

NTA. Well, Alex had it coming with his Ultimatum and the overall terrible behaviour.

You have Adams back, the Rest of your hunchbacked relatives can kick rocks.