'AITA for moving out and leaving my roommate 'coldly' despite her mental health crisis?'

"AITA for how coldly I'm going about leaving my roommate and our living situation?"

My (25F) roommate (26F) has been struggling with her mental health, and it’s been giving me immense caretaker burnout. When I try to help her, she would come up with excuses why those things wouldn’t work. So I recently told her I’m moving out.

Here's where I know I'm TA, and I don't need judgment passed on this one: I told her during a bad time, and in a mean way. I let my emotions and my pride get the better of me. I yelled at her mid-crashout (both hers and mine, frankly), gave her the resources to a crisis center, and told her that that was the last thing I was doing for her, because I was moving out at the end of February.

I spent the weekend cooling off. Most of all, I just felt shame. I texted her to apologize, telling her that she didn't deserve the stern way in which I treated her.

While I was clearing my head, I resolved that, in order to take care of myself, I'm not budging on my decision to move, I’m not letting her affect my emotions, and I'm only sticking to the responsibilities that I legally have. I ended up in a peaceful place about all of this.

I told her on the 1/11. I'm paying for February, but I'll be outta here by 2/1, so she'll need another roommate by March. That was about 48 days notice. She asked if I might be able to work together with her until the summer so that if her mental health got better, I'd stay. I told her that that was not on the table.

She kept on saying she wants me to understand how much I hurt her. That this is the biggest crisis she's in now, that her parents had to cancel their vacation to deal with this emergency. She told me that I shattered every bit of progress she's made, and when I told her I do understand, she said, "Do you?"

And frankly, yeah. I do. I know exactly how much this hurts her and grasp the consequences of it. She thinks that I don't understand because despite knowing how much this hurts her, I'm doing it anyway.

Engaging with her distress in any way always turns into an unhealthy back-and-forth. I think that that whole conversation, I said nothing else besides, "No," "I understand," and "I'm sorry." I apologized again for my harshness, but that's it. Beyond that, it's in nobody's best interest for me to engage with her emotions at all.

Anyway, she ended the conversation by saying, "Just a heads up, I'll be crying a lot, and it's 100% about this.” I told her, "Sounds good." And that was that. I resumed packing.

My personal take is that she's trying to work my guilt into a codependent dynamic. But I’m burnt out and exhausted, and I need to get out of here before I waste myself away trying to help her.

I think that I gave her ample time to find a roommate (48 days). I can barely stay a second longer. But what are my duties here? What do I owe to her out of human decency, beyond legal obligations? AITA?

TL;DR: I got tired of my roommate's mental health taking up so much space in my life, so I harshly decided to leave, and she's now guilt-tripping me.

This is what people had to say to OP:

pottersquash said:

NTA. Your duties are whatever you lease says, nothing more.

"Just a heads up, I'll be crying a lot, and it's 100% about this.”

At least she made it easy for you to see through her nonsense.

Spare_Ad5009 said:

NTA. She's ruining your mental health. She's ruining your peace. She's ruining your happiness. With her crying comment, she's trying to manipulate you through guilt. Run. And feel no guilt. She'll find someone else to latch onto.

MarionberryPlus8474 said:

NTA. Your roommate is using guilt to make you her therapist. Her mental health is unlikely to improve if all she does is make it everyone else’s problem. She needs a professional therapist, possibly a psychiatrist, and perhaps medication, not crying jags with a roommate.

If it helps, maybe just remind yourself “I am not her therapist. I am not her doctor. I am not her parents.” Her mental health isn’t your responsibility.

WickedAngelLove said:

NTA. She's literally trying to guilt trip you into staying and helping her. Are you a caregiver? Are you being paid to be her emotional support person? If the answer is no, you have to ask yourself why is she using you in this manner. How did you end up being her caretakers and the person who has to navigate her emotions? That's not your job. You aren't harshly leaving, you are leaving a toxic situation.

And honestly, if I were you, I'd try to move sooner and move while she is away from the house (but still pay your share of February) because she is going to cause a HUGE scene on the day you move out.

smileycat007 said:

Cover yourself legally. Make sure the landlord has it in writing you are moving out and not renewing your lease. Change your address with the post office and wherever you order from online. Take pictures of the place empty when you leave.

Expect retaliation.

be_sugary said:

Her family and loved ones should step up and step in.

YNTA. You have a duty of self care

houseonpost said:

It's also possible her family has continually stepped up. Her parents are cancelling their holiday. At some point she will burn through even her family. She needs to take care of her own mental health.

OP responded:

Her parents are burnt out, too. She told me that sometimes they hang up on her now when she calls them crying about something or other. That's one of the reasons I let this go on as long as it did, too, was because everyone leaves her pretty much for the same reason, but unfortunately she doesn't learn. I hope that she does after I go, but how things are looking so far, it doesn't seem like it.