'How do I deal with unexpected jealousy over my ex-husband’s new girlfriend?' MAJOR UPDATE

"How do I (41F) deal with unexpected jealousy over my ex-husband’s (42M) new girlfriend?"

My [41F] ex-husband [42M] and I divorced when our son was 7. Fast forward to now, our son’s 15, 16 in a few months. Somehow we managed to go from “divorced and done” to actually being pretty good friends.

Like, we choose to hang out sometimes, not only when it involves our son, and we get along better than ever. It’s worked out way better than I ever expected. My ex has started seeing someone new. They've been together for a little while now, but it's started to get more serious lately. I’ve met her, but don't know her well.

My son is around her a lot more than I am and he likes her a lot. I hate that this bothers me. Like, I’m genuinely embarrassed by how irritated I felt hearing him say how nice she is, how fun she is, how she makes his dad happy. I plastered on a smile and said all the right things, but inside I was surprised by how jealous I felt.

She doesn’t like that my ex and I are friends. She’s fine with us communicating for our son, but the idea of us hanging out just because we want to is an absolute no in her book. And he’s started to pull back a little. He’s not saying it out loud, but I can tell he’s trying to “adjust” our dynamic to keep the peace in his new relationship. It stings.

Months ago we planned a special trip for our son’s 16th birthday, just the three of us. It was meant to be a shared memory, a kind of “family-ish” experience to mark a big milestone. It revolves around something my son is obsessed with, something my ex and I both enjoy too. But now the girlfriend’s coming. Despite having no interest in the activity. I found out from my son, not my ex, which made it even worse.

I haven’t confronted him about it yet because I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding jealous or possessive. But I’m honestly upset. It feels like a sacred little space that used to belong to the three of us is slowly being taken over. And I feel helpless to stop it without looking like the “crazy ex-wife who can’t let go.”

I didn’t expect to feel this jealous, and I really don’t want to come off as the “crazy ex.” But honestly, it feels like I’m losing way more than just a friendship here. I’ve worked really hard to be mature, supportive, and emotionally steady in this co-parenting journey.

How do I manage these feelings without making it weird or damaging the progress we’ve all made? And how do I set boundaries, if I even can, without turning this into a drama-filled mess?

The internet quickly shared their thoughts in response.

Your_Daddy_1972 wrote:

Sounds to me like you're not over your ex. I don't know who ended it or why, it's great that you can effectively co-parent but it's not normal to plan a "shared memory" trip with an ex and frankly I don't know many people who'd be ok with their partner going away with an ex.

OP responded:

We didn't really intend to plan a trip for the purpose of going on a trip together, originally. A band we love is reuniting, and while we've both seen them before (in fact, 20 years ago when we were a new couple), this is our son's first chance to see them. So, that's why the trip is happening...and it happens to be happening right around our son's birthday, so we're celebrating his birthday as part of the trip too.

ConqueringNarwhal wrote:

I would feel tremendously uncomfortable if my partner hung out with his ex alone. It's a bit inappropriate. Him moving on and finding a new partner means your dynamic has to change, which really sucks, but it's inevitable.

No girlfriend wants to play third wheel to her own relationship. It seems appropriate that she come on a family trip, especially if she's on the way to becoming his family. It's time to put distance between you and him. Make new friends that aren't your ex.

OP responded:

I don't really think it makes sense for her to come on this trip. I think she's coming to chaperone us...because we're going to do something together with our son in the hotel room....

[deleted] wrote:

You've been divorced for years and still act like you're together. You stopped being a family when you got divorced. No more "family" trips and stop hanging out as friends. You're not his wife anymore. You can't set boundaries on their relationship. Get therapy to figure out why you can't move on.

OP responded:

I don't think it means we stopped being a family, but just a family with a different arrangement.

doobedoo wrote:

So if you don’t have romantic feelings for your ex, then I’m guessing the issue is the possibility that this woman may become your son’s other mom. And you felt jealous and territorial when your son came home and told you how great she is. If this is the case I can only imagine that this is very normal, feeling replaced or competitive with another woman he may call mom.

Regardless of the underlying issue, this is bound to happen sooner or later and you need to find a way to accept it or it will make you miserable. I think you should get the help of a therapist to work through this so you can be at peace and a better mom and co-parent.

OP responded:

To be perfectly honest, I guess I don't know 100% where these feelings are truly coming from or what they're actually about. I feel very secure about the relationship I have with my son, but it does feel rather alien to have this other woman in his life in any way.

Of course, I know she isn't acting like his mom and I'm not accusing her of acting in any way like that. Maybe I feel left out thinking of the 3 of them doing stuff together.

Commenter500 wrote:

Sounds like a good trip for the new girlfriend to come on too honestly. She can meet you, bond more with your son, and also learn about his interest in the band. And yes, it's really weird that you want to see a band together with an ex that was special while you dated. Even if you are friends now, this is not a common activity for exes to undertake.

OP responded:

People want to say I'm going on this trip for sentimental purposes to do with my ex-husband? Ha! If anything, the sentimental part has more to do with the first love of my life and the first man I ever gave my heart to...Noel Gallagher. I was saving for him when I was a teenager. Unfortunately, that plan was thwarted after I was nearly arrested trying to sneak backstage at one of their shows.

I saw them many times, traveled all over the country (I'm in the US). It's hard to explain just how much of my heart this band owns, but maybe if people could understand this part they would understand that my ex-husband is not really my main focus here.

Almost two weeks later, OP shared an update.

At the beginning of June I asked for help with navigating these feelings I have regarding my son, my ex-husband, his new gf. Thanks to everyone who replied. Even though I don't think I got a ton of specific, actionable advice (I got a lot of opinions and some solid advice), I definitely heard the recurring message loud and clear: therapy.

Some of the comments were genuinely helpful in nudging me to start unpacking the root of what I’m actually feeling, so I appreciate that. Will I go to therapy right now? Honestly, probably not immediately, but we'll see. Most of all of the issues are things I just need to work through on my own, but I decided to just ask my ex-husband directly about the whole concert/birthday trip situation.

I told him that our son had mentioned his girlfriend is now coming on the trip, and I needed clarity about what the plan was so I could figure out hotel stuff. I kept it as neutral and non-confrontational as possible. Truthfully, I don't want her to come and I'm still sort of seething over her being there.

He admitted he hadn’t told me yet because he was still hoping she’d back out. He said he doesn’t want her to come, that it’s going to make things awkward, and that she kind of inserted herself into the plan and made it really clear she expected to be invited. He felt like he couldn’t say no without it hurting their relationship. He even said, “You think I want to go on a trip with both of you?”

I suggested that maybe I should give her my concert ticket and buy a separate one so I wouldn’t have to sit near them and she wouldn't have to stay back at the hotel. Or maybe I should just plan to take my son to a completely different date on the tour all together since it was probably going to be very awkward for all of us, especially since he was now claiming he also didn't want her to come.

I don't want to buy a ticket and sit separately. I don't want to plan a whole other trip to a different tour date. The thought makes me really mad, but I felt like the adult thing to do was to at least suggest it.

Maybe I just wanted to see what his reaction would be. He immediately said there was no way I was giving my ticket to her or sitting separately. He said there's no way I'm backing out or going to a different show, we've been planning this for almost a year. We did agree to cancel the shared hotel room and book separate rooms.

I didn’t bring up the fact that his girlfriend isn’t thrilled with us spending time together. I feel like that’s something I just need to accept. Most people in new relationships with someone who has a close relationship with an ex would probably feel the same. It’s uncomfortable, but I get it, and I’ll deal with those feelings on my own.

What’s hardest for me, though, is how much I still default to texting or talking to him. We used to talk daily, not just about things related to our son, but everything. He’s been my best friend for over 20 years. And before anyone jumps in and says I sound like the obsessive ex calling him that…he’s said the same about me.

I haven’t had another best friend in a really long time. I had two close girlfriends years ago. Both of those friendships are long gone, not due to any sort of falling out but due to reasons I don't want to get into here. Since then, I’ve struggled to find another close female friend, someone I really connect with on that deeper level.

I have friends, just nobody like that. I'd say my ex-husband is the person I'm most myself with and the person I'm closest to in the world.

So yeah, my ex is still that person. And I’m starting to realize that while I don’t want him back romantically, I do still see him as mine.

Not in a possessive, malicious way, but in that I think I’ve just never fully adjusted to him being someone with a life completely separate from mine. It’s like he’s still a character in my story, not somebody with an entire life of his own.I'm also trying to take the advice of getting to know his girlfriend, while also trying not to over-involve myself in their lives.

I don't want to become best friends with my ex-husband's girlfriend. That just sounds uncomfortable to me. I spent some time over at his house today and she was there. They don't live together (yet). He watched my dog for me overnight because I had a work event to go to. Well, it's my son's dog too, so the dog brtasically went over to his dad's with him.

They have a splash pad for the dogs over there, so we were playing around with the dogs in the backyard. He starts asking me things like "Top 5 albums of all time, go!" Then we get into a friendly argument about our favorite albums, which evolved into top 5 guitarists, etc. and these are the things we get along about.

I suddenly got the sense that she was not happy about our conversation since she doesn't seem to care about those things and couldn't participate in the conversation. I tried to steer the conversation in another direction so that she wasn't left out, but I'm terrible at making small talk.

I decided to make my excuses to politely leave at that point. So now I guess it's just a matter of figuring out how you start emotionally detaching from someone who’s been my closest person for so long, especially when you still co-parent and have to interact regularly. How to I detach? I never detached after we got divorced, even though I thought I had.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

DummyThickNarwhal wrote:

Anybody gonna comment on how two 40+ year olds thought it was appropriate to share a hotel room when one of them is in a relationship? Like wtf? It should be common sense not to share a hotel room with your ex while you're currently in a relationship. The lack of common sense at this age from both of them is insane.

bookrants wrote:

Kudos to you for being aware that the problem is on your end, but it's clear that your ex does have the same attachment issues with you as well. I don't think he's ready for a relationship, and he's doing his gf a disservice by being with her.

I get the situation with the concert. Not only is it going to be awkward, it does feel like an intrusion, because she has zero interest in the band, and this is something both you and your ex share with your son. However, what happened at his house when you picked your dog up is sh#$ty on his part. It's not on you to make the gf feel like she belongs in the conversation. It's on him.

It seems to me like her inviting herself into the concert isn't as much a you problem but a him problem. He's the reason his gf is insecure. Put a little distance between you two. I know it's hard when he's your only close friend, but you're too enmeshed. Take some time putting yourself out there, either online or physically. Meet new friends. Try to move on. This isn't healthy.

UsuallyWrite2 wrote:

I remember your original post and commented on it. Having been in the GF’s shoes to some extent, it really does feel like the ex wife is “peeing on things” to mark territory when they bring up old memories or make comments like “look what beautiful kids we made” or whatever.

Even if you’re not marking territory on purpose, it can come off that way. Like GF (or in my case, second wife) is just a third wheel and sister wife. I think that this is ultimately an ex husband issue with his boundaries though.

If he’s saying he didn’t want her to come, why did he let her? Because he’s conflict averse. On the other hand, I think that at some point you two have to actually act divorced and stop planning “family time”.

There are going to be holidays and graduations and maybe weddings in your not so far future and you just can’t keep doing them together. Not without the GF/new wife. It’s not kind and it’s not healthy. My (ex) husband used to do Xmas morning with his ex wife and the kids for example the first few years we were together and I wasn’t invited.

Can you imagine how that felt? We lived together but I was to make myself scarce or he would go to her house if it was her holiday. The kids would even open gifts from me with their mom and dad without me there and that hurt. I don’t know what it’s like to be on your end. But I think your ex husband needs to pick a lane here.

And frankly, the way you see him as your best friend makes me wonder why you two divorced. If you’re that tied to each other, why didn’t you each put in the effort to stay together? (Different topic but still…) I really feel like you need to find another outlet and start keeping the chats to kids only because you DO need a good friend but he is being inappropriate being that to you.

DueIndependence5527 wrote:

I read you first post and I can’t remember if I commented on it or not. After reading this update, a few thoughts as someone who hasn’t been in your position or the gf’s position:

I’d be pissed if I was the gf and found out my boyfriend actually didn’t want me to go in this trip, was hoping he could talk me out of it, and had shared those feelings with his ex-wife that he’s way too close to.

I think you’re either still in love with your ex-husband, have fallen back in love with him, or don’t love him romantically but still can’t stand the thought of anyone else but you having him. You either need to tell him how you feel or seek therapy to deal with your possessive feelings.

2 may partially apply to your ex as well. Why has it taken either of you so long to get back into a serious relationship with somebody new? His relationship won’t last long if he continues to prioritize you over his gf. Now whether that’s a good thing or bad thing depends on who you ask.