'How do I handle this situation with my boyfriend?' UPDATED 2X
"How do I handle this situation with my boyfriend?"
I (29F) have been dating my boyfriend (33M) for over a year and live with him. This past week I was at a restaurant with a couple girlfriends and the waiter was a kid I knew from middle school.
I haven’t seen him since I was 13. We said hey and glad each other is doing well and that was it. No hug or anything, and I’ve never done anything with this guy. Well, after that night the kid from middle school followed me on instagram and I followed him back because I used to know him. We didn’t message or anything and that was that.
Now, my boyfriend saw we followed each other. When he asked if I followed the waiter from the bar he got extremely upset with me and turned off his location. He said some pretty hurtful things to me and said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks this is acceptable.
I don’t think I did anything wrong in this situation. Do I unfollow the guy and see if my boyfriend then apologizes for his behavior? Do I not unfollow the guy to see what my boyfriend does next?
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
I definitely am finding myself struggling because this wasn’t how I expected my relationship with my boyfriend to turn out, but I also recognize I don’t deserve to be called names even when he is mad at me.
My boyfriend and I talked today about the situation and he told me that following this guy back tells this guy he has a chance with me. I explained to my boyfriend that I don’t want this guy, but my boyfriend said it didn’t matter and that’s what guys think in these types of scenarios.
What I’m continuing to struggle with is the fact that even after my boyfriend explained this, he still isn’t backing down on the mean things he said to me and the fact that he deleted me from seeing his location on his phone because I haven’t unfollowed this guy.
Right now I’m finding myself struggling to want to unfollow this guy because then my boyfriend will think he can control more and more of me, and that name calling me and controlling me is acceptable.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Your boyfriend sounds insecure and immature, especially for his age...
A lot of boyfriends posted about on this app seem like this. I read a lot of these and absolutely cannot believe I’m reading something about a 30 something year old man.
You need do nothing other than inform him his reaction is unacceptable given the truth of the matter. As long as you’ve clearly stated how it is to him, this is a him problem that he will need to get over and let go.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
A lot has taken place since my last update. I left it off that I had not unfollowed the guy I know from middle school on instagram, and my boyfriend had not apologized for name calling me.
Yesterday evening my boyfriend had to run errands for a few hours. A few minutes after he left he started texting me how it’s not okay that I have no unfollowed this guy. He then continued to say how things I have done in my past (before I met my boyfriend) were not acceptable.
He continued to go off at me for my past and not unfollowing this guy, so I told him I was not going to continue engaging and would wait to talk to him in person. Next thing I know, he starts telling me if I don’t unfollow this guy by 4:20 he was going to message him. I figured he wouldn’t actually and was just trying to get a reaction from me so I didn’t say or do anything.
Next thing I know, he sends me a screenshot of a message he sent him at 4:21, telling him to not mess around with his girlfriend and calling him a re***d. after that, he told me I had until 4:30 to remove my high school ex who I haven’t seen or spoken to since 2017.
At this point I started freaking out because my boyfriend has never been this demanding and controlling, and if I didn’t follow through on what he asked he was going to do more damage.
At this point I deleted the guy from middle school and removed my ex from high school to avoid further arguments. I could see he was spiraling and didn’t want things to escalate.
This wasn’t enough though, he was sending me screenshots of my instagram and telling me my number of people I follow isn’t low enough yet and I have to do more. Then, he told me how much fun this was and it was going to be bad if I didn’t listen to him.
Next, he threatened to message my ex who was an alcoholic and things ended very badly, I have had him blocked on everything for over a year. He sent me a screenshot of my ex’s Facebook with the option to message him to taunt me.
This made me freak out. My boyfriend has never reacted this way towards me in our relationship, and his behavior really scared me. So, I called my best friend and now I’m staying with her.
He has since spam called and texted me, calling me a b-word, slv+t, wh0r3#, and many other things. Then told me that he hopes my best friend enjoys the lies I tell her about him.
I’m so grateful I realized he had this in him before buying a house and getting married, which we were planning on doing next year. To think this all happened because I followed back a guy I knew from middle school and have never done anything with is insane… I definitely dodged a bullet.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
I am very happy for you. That is not anywhere close to sane behavior.
Take the time to mourn and heal. You can do better. You deserve better.
Geez. The mask didn't just come off. It was yanked off and then stomped on. There's no way he'll leave her alone after she dumps him. Dude has violent stalker psycho written all over him.
You see how at every point, his fantasies about how unfaithful she was was only ever to excuse his behaviour? I can reach out to my ex, because you having a social life means you deserve it. I can verbally abuse you, dox and harass you, because you dared to think you could have a friend. Because he enjoys it. He wants his boot on her neck. That’s the point of dating, for him.
PSA: You are not responsible for anyone thinking they have a chance with you, unless you explicitly tell them that they do. You can walk buck ass naked in front of them and still the only person responsible for assumptions is the person who makes them.
People are so terminally online now that a follow on social media turns into an entire conspiracy theory. I'd say I'm so glad I didn't grow up with social media being so prevalent but then I looked at the ages and OOP's insecure crazy ex is older than me.