'How do I tell my husband I don’t want his mother around after I give birth?' UPDATED

Giving birth is a very intense experience, to say the least.

"How do I tell my husband I don’t want his mother around after I give birth?"

I (26f) am set to give birth in about a week or so. I told my husband (26m) that I wanted my mother in the room with me while I give birth and a few weeks after to help me adjust to motherhood. His mother has always been very over barring and self centered on my option.

During our wedding she stayed in our apartment two weeks after we married, took naps in our bed and continuously drank out of all of my “Mrs” glasses. She even wants to steal my mom’s already established grandmother name (she’s been a grandmother for 7 yrs to my brother’s kids). His mother stresses me out and is just too much all the time.

My mom is coming to genuinely help me and support me. His mother just wants to come because she’s jealous of my mom. I know if I bring this up to my husband he’s going to get upset and super defensive. So how do i gently bring up that i don’t want his mother around during this time and i just want to be with my mom?

Edit on the grandmother name: she initially wanted to be called Mama T. Thankfully she changed her mind on that. She then said she wanted to be GiGi. My mom is already GiGi to my nieces and nephew and two GiGis would be confusing. She then settled on GiGi T.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

SummerStar62 wrote:

You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to...wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your v*gina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked eng*rged br**sts?

Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over? Is she going to cook for you and clean for you and do the laundry, and make sure you are stocked with diapers and wipes and clean blankets? Is she going to allow you to breastfeed in private in your own living room by either going to her room or going outside? Is she going to allow you to pick up your own crying baby?

Is she going to ASK you if you would like her to get the baby for you since you may be sore? Is she going to disappear when you want alone time with your new baby and your husband? Is she going to refrain from giving you advice but instead ask you what you need?” Tell him (and her) no. Grandma Gollum needs to take a hike.

VariegatedJennifer wrote:

Your husband should never have anybody’s back BUT yours and if something like this starts a fight between you two then you have a husband problem wayyy more than you have a MIL problem. There is no discussion, you just had a baby and you don’t want her there. Get used to having a backbone now because when the baby comes her crazy will intensify by a hundred.

Master-Dimension-452 wrote:

Husband, you know I love you, and I want to bring up a concern that’s been bothering me. Having a baby is a major medical event for a brand new mother. With that said, I don’t know how the delivery and postpartum aftercare will go, and how it will affect me and my hormones.

I’ve already mentioned I would appreciate my mom around to help us, because childbirth is a very vulnerable time for a woman and a new mom needs to be surrounded by advocates for her care. When I get home from the hospital, I need support for me, and I need you to step up.

This may be helping change baby, night feedings, listening to my concerns, and assuring my comfort by reducing stress. I’m not going to sugar coat this, your mom stresses me out and until I know how my hormones adjust after having the baby, there will be no long term visits from your mom. I don’t believe she will advocate for me, the new mom that just had a major medical event.

She may advocate for you and baby, but until I’m in a less vulnerable position after having baby, your mom will not stay here and needs to get a hotel or Airbnb if she visits and her time at our apartment must be short. This is non negotiable. Baby and I are your immediate family. You need to advocate for us. We need to bond as a family of three. Our needs are more important than your mother’s feelings.

HungryJellyfishABC wrote:

I’m sorry that your husband is married to his mother and not you. It is unfortunate that her behaviour was not addressed before you were pregnant.

It’s your body growing and birthing the baby. You get to make the calls on the labour and who is there.

Don’t explain, don’t be soft. Just tell him, that when he is birthing and recovering then he can make the call on who is around. If he complains ask him all your family can come watch him poop, see his genitals and watch him undergo a medical procedure. Remind him that a woman who is stressed in labour has a higher risk of complications.

His mother being there is putting the health and safety of his wife and child at risk. In addition to telling him at your next medical check up (and when you arrive at the hospital), you tell the medical staff your MIL is not allowed to be there. As the patient you do not authorise her access. If he carries on about this, remind him that he married you and needs to have your back.

A week later, OP shared an update.

I had the conversation with my husband about not wanting his mother around after I give birth. I didn’t tell him the harsher reasons why, ie: she’s overbearing. I just told him that I would prefer the privacy during the first month to properly recover with people around me who can wipe my butt if I needed.

At first he was a little upset because he knows as a mother of all boys she might always be an afterthought during her son’s life milestones but understood my reasoning.

He told me he spoke with his mother and she wouldn’t come until the end of the month and I was happy he honored my wish. A few days later his mom called to check in and said she would coming while my mom is in town. After I spoke to her I confronted my husband about it and he said he was confused because they spoke and she agreed.

He called his mom back and it was just a classic case of his mom being his mom. Our healthy baby boy decided to arrive 1 week early so my out of state mother unfortunately missed his birth as well. Such is life I guess. But she’ll be here tomorrow to help aide in my recovery. All in all things ended fine. Thanks everyone for your support!

The comments kept coming.

ATouchofTrouble wrote:

My husband mother tried to tell my husband we were hosting Thanksgiving this year. Aka I was making an entire Thanksgiving meal for her family yet again a few weeks after birth. I shut it down so hard I was completely rude, not even borderline but completely. She came with her circus after my 1st born was born & I'm not reliving it.

something-strange999 wrote:

I told my husband this. I don't want your mom looking at my v#gina. I don't want to see hers, I don't want her to see mine. Plus, then dad will want to come too.

He got it. She waited in the waiting room.

Crazy-4-Conures wrote:

Grandmother competition. "I don't care what you want, if SHE gets to be there, I'M going to be there too!" The one who comes to help the mom always wins out over the one who just comes to hold the baby.

Jthemovienerd wrote:

Congratulations on the birth. Here is the honest truth, you cannot be afraid to talk to your husband about exactly why you don't want his mother around. You have to be honest with him and he has to deal with it, it is his mother. If you don't, this will get worse and worse.

And sometime in the future this will become a wedge between you and him. So please be honest with him, and figure out a plan. And remember, HE has to deal with her, she is his mother. Again, congratulations and I hope the baby is safe and healthy.

Ginger630 wrote:

Congratulations on your son’s birth! Tell your husband to tell his overbearing mother to come when she’s invited. At the END of the month. Not before. I’d also cap her visit or have her stay at a hotel. Make sure you tell him you will not play hostess to her.

I’m a mom of three boys. If my future DILs invite me to their birth or to help after, I will be there. If not, I’ll wait for an invitation. Giving birth isn’t a spectator sport. Nor is the time after birth. The new mother needs time to heal. If she wants her own mom there, I get it. I will wait for my sons and their wives to invite me. The birth isn’t about me.