"AITA for how I reacted to my in-laws at my wedding?"
Me (29f) and my husband (32m), got married last month in October, but have been together for 8 years. He proposed in March, and we planned for a quick wedding as we want children, but he wanted to be married first.
At the beginning of our relationship, things were rocky with his parents, however when we bought our first house things did a 180, and suddenly they loved me. When we started planning the wedding my MIL wanted to be involved as much as she can.
Fine by me, I love her a lot, I even call her Mum. However there just wasn't a lot to plan, as we had the wedding abroad, and had a wedding planner doing most of the work, due to me and my husband both working long hours (think 15 hour days for me, and a lot of his work is out of the country.) So I would ask her opinion on things where I could, and she even came dress shopping with me.
Now on to the main event, the wedding was going great, ceremony went off without a hitch, and we sit down for dinner. I suddenly come over really ill, my husband knows me very well, sees that I am unable to eat my food, looks at me and says "you're about to be sick."
He isn't wrong, I am struggling to even take one bite of food, my SIL (my brothers wife) sees that I am struggling and comes over, she understands how I am and is just asking if I want to step outside for some air.
Seeing this, my mum and MIL and my MOH, also all come over and now I am becoming very overwhelmed, my mum starts touching me, and I say "please don’t touch me", then my MOH does the same so I repeat myself, then my mum does it again, so I again repeat myself, along with my SIL trying to tell everyone just to back up basically.
At this point I thought my MIL had walked away as I could no longer see her, but suddenly I had two hands land on my arms, and start rubbing my arms up and down, I was startled to say the least and I then with my voice admittedly raised said "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME", I think it was fight or flight reaction.
Turns out my MIL had walked behind me without me realising, and was the one to then put her hands on my arms. After my outburst my mum and MIL walked away back to their table, and my MOH & SIL took me outside and to my dads apartment (all accommodation was on sight), and I proceeded to be sick (yay for throwing up on your own wedding day without having any alcohol!)
Felt a lot better after being sick, did the cake cutting etc, then time for the first dance, felt ill again, but as soon as the first dance was over, I felt 100%, we put it down to me being nervous and sitting down had bottomed out my adrenaline!
I felt bad for my outburst towards my MIL, but didn't see her for the rest of the evening, so as we are all getting ready to leave the next day, I go up to her and say, "I am sorry if I upset you yesterday, that wasn't my intention, and I apologise for my actions." (I rehearsed it before as I wanted to make sure I got it right) I then proceeded to let her know why I think I felt so ill.
Now, cut to last weekend, roughly a month after the wedding, we pop round to our in-laws, this isn't the first time we have seen them since the wedding, all having a great time, eating dinner etc.
After dinner, my MIL went upstairs to grab something for my husband, and my FIL then asks me to explain what happened on the wedding day regarding my outburst. I explained what happened.
He then raises his voice at me stating that he will not have any of that behaviour now that I carry his family name, and that it was unacceptable, that I have an image to uphold now that I carry his last name, then went on to say that this will not be spoken of again, and that it's the end of the discussion.
I was shocked, but I thought okay, he isn't happy, he is allowed to have his opinion. So, I went to ask him how would he have liked me to handle the situation so I can learn from it. But, before I could get past the word situation, he started shouting at me to shut up, and that its the end of the conversation.
So I try again to say I just want to know what I could have done better. At this point he then went off on a tirade, saying how disrespectful I am. So I stood up, looked at my husband, and said we are leaving, I don't need to sit here and be spoken to like this.
So I then start gathering all my stuff together. FIL then continues to shout at me that this is why I have no friends, because I am so stubborn and disrespectful, that they all drop me.
(Wrong, once people start showing me that it was either a one way friendship or they start being disrespectful towards myself I tend to cut off communication with them, I keep a small circle.)
He goes on to say that my husband needs to GET IT THROUGH MY THICK SKULL how to behave properly! He continues shouting this in other forms, but you get the picture.
I have at this point not blown up or started shouting (patting myself on the back for this as I know I can be quite hot headed), he then says that I will never learn, so I say to him the only thing I tried to say was me asking you to teach me, how I should have responded?
This gets him shouting at me again, my husband has tried to intervene whilst I'm gathering everything up, I've stated crying as FIL started saying some truly horrible things, MIL is back downstairs wondering what is going on, and my BIL is sat at the dining table still in shock!
FIL then states that my apology to my MIL was a half apology, said he listened in on it and all I said was "I am sorry if I upset you", but the thing is, I was giving my MIL a hug at the time of the apology.
So how would he have heard the rest that was to her ear as I was trying not to make a scene in front of the rest of the people there? So I try to tell him thats not the case, and that the full apology was as what I wrote above, but he wasn't having it.
MIL and I then head into the hallway as I am putting on my shoes to go, and eventually I just head out the door as I cannot listen to what else he is saying. I wait in the car for half an hour before my husband comes out, as he was still inside trying to talk to his parents and find out where this was all coming from.
Turns out there was more. His mum wasn't happy that I asked her to change her hair on the day, the hair and makeup artist was doing mine and my MILs hair and makeup in the bridal suite.
MIL showed me a front facing photo, of hair / makeup. I said looks great. I wasn't aware she was going for the same hair as me, even down the the pins in the same position etc.
So, when I saw it, I gently said, "oh wait, thats how I am having my hair" and my SIL said, yeah that will have to change, as you can't have exactly the same as the bride, so she changed it, took all of like 3 minutes. Apparently she wasn't happy about this.
Anyway, Hubby and I are in the car and start heading home, we get 5 minutes down the road and he says he needs to turn back as he REALLY needs the toilet, we live an hour away.
So, we go back and I stay in the car. MIL comes out to talk to me whilst In the car, asking to please not let this come between the family, that when she joined the family I wouldn't believe what she went through, and that FIL isn't feeling well, and thats why he is acting like this.
This weekend I got a phone call from my MIL, had a normal conversation, then she asked what our plans were for the concert this coming weekend. I said to be honest I do not feel safe or comfortable being in the same room as FIL at this time.
She says oh just push through it will be fine. I repeat that I wouldn't be comfortable, again she says just to come. I say to her that I am not willing to put myself into a position which is going to be uncomfortable for myself.
MIL then went on to say that I just need to hear him out as he has a lot more to say, at this point I gave the phone to my husband and said to him, I can't do this, please can you talk to her, and I walked away. I think I have covered everything, but to be honest I probably haven't, so AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
FIL's explosive outburst and attempt to end discussion was a power move. You called him out on it. He wasn't bluffing: he fully intends to be domineering and abusive toward you. The good news is you stood up for yourself. And you can do the walk away power move too. NTA.
Obvious-Weakness3124 (OP)
I am not sure why he thought i wouldn't call him out on it, like I said I can be quite hot headed, but I can also be reasonable at times, I learnt a long time ago to stop letting people walk all over me, and have cut off family members in the past, so I am unsure why he thinks he would be immune to that?
NTA. To bloody hell with your FiL and his bloody last name. Change back to your maiden name, and tell your bloody FiL to sod off.
Obvious-Weakness3124 (OP)
I said to my husband, that with the way FIL reacted that maybe I should keep my maiden name, as if thats how I am to be treated with his last name, why should I keep it? He said that he doesn't want that, and wants us both to have the same surname, I get it, we are only a month in to the marriage, and I haven't started changing everything over yet, so will be holding off until further notice!
Nothing to stop both of you taking your surname or even making one of your own. But the fact he stayed to placate FIL for half an hour after FIL berated you has me thinking he'll never do it.
Obvious-Weakness3124 (OP)
This is something I want to suggest, as i quite like my surname, and his can be used to as a play on words, if you catch my drift! It was more he was trying to talk to MIL in the hallway by the front door, and FIL kept walking in and out the hallway shouting.
So he told him to go sit down in the kitchen and that he would come and speak to him in a minute, more like a father telling off a child. But it was a son telling his father to sit down. But I agree, he likes his surname, and I doubt he would want to change his!
NTA. You applogized to MIL and even tolerated FIL's outburst. Continue to keep your distance from FIL and anyone else who disrespects you.