'Huge jerk' husband tells wife she's dead wrong about money, 'my mom is right.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my wife she’s 'f^&k*ng wrong' and that my mom is right?"

I (35M) have been married to my wife (32F) for five years, and we’ve been struggling financially for the past few months. I lost my job about three months ago, and while I’ve found part-time work, it doesn’t pay nearly as much as before. We’ve had to cut back on a lot of things, but it feels like no matter what we do, we’re still living paycheck to paycheck and even pulling from savings.

Recently, my mom (65F) came over to visit, and she noticed how stressed I was about the money situation. She offered some advice on how we could save money—things like cutting down on takeout, meal prepping to avoid buying groceries multiple times a week, and switching to cheaper brands.

My mom has always been frugal, especially when she was raising me and my siblings on a tight budget. I thought it made sense, especially since we’re really trying to save wherever we can. I asked if she was willing to go through our spending and show where we could cut down. My wife agreed with this.

She made a whole spreadsheet about our spending, and we are spending wayyyyy to much on fun stuff. We don’t need Starbucks everyday and so on. It also became apparent that most of the fun spending was my wife's.

Tbh my wife didn’t take the breakdown well and started arguing with my mom that her spreadsheet was wrong. She said that my mom’s way of doing things is “outdated” and doesn’t work for us. She doesn’t want to give up buying organic produce, and she likes having variety in what we eat each week.

I tried to explain that we need to make some sacrifices if we want to get out of this financial hole, but she kept insisting that things weren’t as bad as I was making them out to be and that we just needed to “ride it out.”

My mom left at this point and we were still arguing, and she told me she can’t give up her takeout . She also went on about my mom being wrong. That’s when I lost my patience and said, “You’re f$%&ing wrong. My mom is right. She managed to raise three kids on one income, and we can’t even cut back on groceries for a few months? "

My wife got really upset, saying I am being a huge jerk for winding with my mom and that my mom is outdated. She’s barely spoken to me since, and now I’m wondering if I went too far. But the way I see it, we need to be realistic about our situation, and my mom’s advice could actually help us get back on track.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Allaboutbird said:

NTA. Your wife agreed to go through your budget with your mom, your mom took the time and effort to review things and then it sounds like your wife was very rude and dismissive. As far as I know math hasn't changed that much in the last 30 years so it's not clear how your mom's views are outdated.

rockology_adam said:

NTA, although language and tone got in the way of that. You and your wife NEED to have this conversation, because you're obviously at odds, but accusations and loud cursing will not get you there.

I can see why your wife is calling your mom's ideas outdated, because the millennial shift in thought is often stereotyped as "you can't take it with you, so enjoy it now." It's what boomers said when they got to retirement, but now applied to younger people who think it NOW while they have the money to do fun stuff...

It's where avocado toast came from, and frankly, it's not wrong... if you're happy with never making it out of the hole. You're obviously not. Your mother's advice IS good advice, and her spreadsheet is not wrong. It's triggering for your wife because it points out that what she considers her feel-goods, impulsive or fun spending, are financially incompatible with the financial security that would be more stable.

Stability versus comfort seems like an easy call, except for many people, myself included, stability without comfort isn't actually stability. You will want to talk to a real financial advisor. You will want to look into couples counseling, and if you can get the two in the same place, that's a good idea.

What you and your wife want, at the moment, are incompatible and far apart. You will probably need some assistance to get to compromise, and it will have to be compromise. Your mother's stringent drop-it-all advice is too strict and will not fly. Good luck.

JimmyAintSure4646 said:

NTA, but your wife certainly is! She claims your moms ways are "outdated," when they're actually just realistic. You and your wife absolutely need to get on the same page in regards to finances, otherwise the issue will never be resolved and your current situation will become the normal. The single most important financial decision you can make is who you marry.

Gorgeous-panda said:

ESH. Inviting your mom into your finances makes you the AH. It was just a bad idea. You should have gone to a neutral third party such as a financial/budgeting advisor. You’ve embarrassed your wife in front of your mother and given your mother WAY too much access to your financials, thereby giving her ammo against your wife for all eternity.

Bad move and you need to tell your Mom, “thanks, we’ve got it from here”. And apologize to your wife. Your wife is an AH for refusing to cut back on her little treats, not being receptive to doing things like meal prep, and not getting a full-time to get your lives back on track.

giantbrownguy said:

NTA. Between your wife’s resistance to your mom’s perspective and your comment that she refuses to work full time due to her “mental health” the reality is your wife is the source of your financial strain. She refuses to take responsibility for her part of the problem and is looking for a magic bullet to solve things without having to sacrifice. You’re going to be trapped in this cycle until she gets her head out of her a$s.

Historical-Shine6639 said:

NTA. Your wife agreed to go through this with your mom. I don't understand how cutting out things that aren't essentials for a few months is outdated. That's what my husband and I did when we bought our house and found out we were pregnant.

We could manage didn't want to worry about being paycheck to paycheck. And it worked. Also meal prepping is the way to go! Not only does it save you money but SO much time throughout the week.

CrazyGuava9880 said:

NTA. Im guessing it’s because a majority of the bad spending was on your wife’s part so she may feel “attacked." I would honestly show her the show financial audit on YouTube as there are a lot of parallels in her logic and the people on the show…..they’re obviously not doing well to be on the show.