'HUGE RANT': Pregnant woman goes off on MIL, 'she had a GRANDMA SHOWER.' AITA?

"AITA for telling MIL she isn’t entitled to a set schedule with our daughter?"

HUGE RANT: AITA? I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my husband’s mom seems to be making my pregnancy about her. For context - MIL is incredibly excited to be a first (and possibly only) - time grandma.

Additionally, hubby’s brother passed away when we were young adults, so hubby is now an only child. MIL still has a very hard time with the loss of her first son, and hubby is now the last of his family name until our girl enters as the next generation, so the grandchild pressure has always been HUGE on us.

To add to the relevance of family loss: our daughter is due on MIL’s late son’s/husband’s late brother’s birthday…I can’t help but feel like MIL is making my pregnancy about her. In the beginning, we asked her specifically not to tell anyone until we decided to tell people, and within seconds of us telling her, she had her phone in her hand and was texting family.

She’s also a hairdresser and told every single one of her clients that she was going to be a grandma. She thrifted literally one of everything for her house without consulting us.

She had a “grandma shower” with some of her “old ladies” who she cuts hair for at a convalescent home, and reported to me (not asking) that she’s going to be bringing my daughter there and letting all the ladies take turns holding my kid whenever she does hair there.

She fully expects to be in the delivery room with me (not happening…I might not even want guests at the hospital). Hubby and I went to dinner with her tonight and tried to manage her expectations a bit. It didn’t go well. She kept telling us she is taking our child every Friday (we didn’t even get a say in the day.

It’s just her day off.) Hubby said, “maybe when we’re both back to work.” She said, “No, right away. Every Friday I’m either taking her or sleeping over your house.” He said, “What if we want a Friday with our daughter?” She said, “No. Fridays are my day with my granddaughter.”

I was so mad that I blurted out, “are you going to file for joint custody too? You don’t get to choose.” I feel badly for being rude, but I honestly can’t believe her entitlement that she thinks she gets a set schedule with our child who isn’t even born yet!

I’m not even going to get started on the fact that she is constantly referencing the way she parented as the standard (and some of the practices are incredibly antiquated) and is pretty condescending when I have a dissenting opinion.

This is possibly unfair psychoanalysis stemming from my rage, but it’s taking everything in me to not tell her that she is not my child’s parent and she can’t use my child to fill the void from her own child loss, so she needs to back off, enjoy the privilege of being a grandparent, and let us be the parents.

I know when baby gets here that I’ll be welcoming help and advice, even from her, and much of this is me being angry and overprotective as a first time-parent. AITAH for feeling this way and thinking these things?

Here's what people had to say to OP about this one:

Subversive_footnote said:

NTA- what is wrong with most MILs on the Internet? Give in once, and she'll walk all over you. Keep presenting a united front with your husband and keep repeating no.

Emotional_Agent9842 said:

Grandmother here. Grandparents have to understand being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. I don’t overstep boundaries with the grandchildren. I don’t tell my children how to parent. I assist when needed.

I base my philosophy off of how I wanted my children’s grandparents to interact with my children. Everyone parents differently and I want my children to be comfortable enough to ask for advice without me overstepping.

Lucky-Effective-1564 said:

NTA. She'll be snatching baby out of your arms the first chance she gets. You and your husband must sort this out now before baby gets here. Please don't rely on her for help - she will take over. Yes, she lost her son, that's very sad, but your baby is not a replacement (thank goodness baby's not a boy)!

Ipso-Pacto-Facto said:

“MIL, you will honor our rules and boundaries or you will be the hairdresser grandma our little girl doesn’t see. She is not a toy or a timeshare. You’re being obnoxious.” Your husband needs to tell her to Calm the fuck down now or you will. No visit to the hospital.

No delivery room waiting room. She can visit when you feel up to guests. Could be a week or two. No overnights. No second nursery bullshit at her house. Plan on her giving the baby her first haircut as a “surprise”. I would let her babysit never for that reason alone.

mcmurrml said:

Whoa!!! You better rein her in and make sure hubby is on board. First you don't want that baby passed around a bunch of people at a freaking hair salon or nursing home! That's out. I would not let that baby out of your sight for awhile. She doesn't get to choose the days and like I said. She doesn't get the baby alone for some time. Being grandma is one thing but don't let her take over.

Impossible_Nebula_33 said:

Speak to your husband and put up boundaries yes she is excited but she needs to calm down she can be best grandma but she is getting carried away. It’s best her son speaks to her and explain to her she is making you uncomfortable and putting too much pressure onto you. Her son needs to advise her to get grief counselling because it can get out of hand quickly with grief not dealt with properly.

After reading the comments, OP added more information:

Whoa! I didn’t expect so many replies. Thank you all for your insight. I wanted to add for those who asked about my husband’s handling his mother: I got up and left the table at dinner and my husband was very straightforward with MIL that she needs to erase any expectation and entitlement that she has in her mind...

Because we are not committing to any plans or accommodating any other people’s schedules when our daughter arrives. She pushed back in the beginning but ultimately agreed and was much better for the rest of dinner. We will continue to express our boundaries and if there is another overstep from her regarding expectations, we’ll take more dramatic measures.