'I walked out from my own wedding after my family humiliated me. What should I do now?'
"I walked out from my own wedding after my family humiliated me. What should I do now?"
So I (26 F) got married last week, and it was truly a disaster. In my country it's very common to make those really sweet videos right before your parent's speech.
Usually in those videos you would see pictures of yourself with your fiancée, pictures of younger self and pictures with your family or friends. The thing is, I am very insecure of myself. I used to be the short and fat friend when I was a teenager, and therefore I would get bullied by other people in school.
Now, I got way more skinner, but I am still so self conscious about my body and my husband has to constantly remind me that I'm pretty no matter what.
One day when I was about 22, my family and I went to a friend's wedding, in which the pictures of the video displayed where pretty funny, yet kinda embarrassing to the bride or the groom, but still silly.
After a week or so, I brought up the fact that the video was really cute, but I would never want to see those humiliating kind of pictures in my wedding. My dad then told me that I was being unreasonable, that I shouldn't be the only one having fun on my wedding, everyone should have.
I tried to argue saying that it would be MY wedding and yes, I should be the one having fun the most, but that arguing got quickly shot down.
Fast forward to a month ago, before my wedding, I reminded my whole family that I would not tolerate a video displaying embarrassing pictures from my fat teenage years.
They could show any other picture other than those. My parents promised that they would not show those pictures, but that I was being pretty stupid since those were old pictures and people wouldn't even remember them after the wedding.
I still said that I didn't care, I just don't want people seeing them, since my brain would think that they're judging me. Then, about a week ago at my wedding, they broke that supposedly promise they made.
Embarrassing pictures of myself showed up in the video, pictures like me eating lots of junk food, making weird faces or just pictures of me that I would never show anyone. The photos of my husband from he was young were pretty cute and innocent, and no one laughed at them.
But mine where degrading and disgusting in every way. Everyone started laughing. It felt like reviving the trauma from when I was a teenager and people would laugh at me, so I immediately started crying. My husband saw me but did nothing, since he thought those were joy tears.
When I started crying even harder, he got pretty worried and started asking what was wrong over and over again while holding me. I tried brushing it off saying I was fine, and right after I said so, the video ended and the speech came up.
Both my husband and I couldn't pay that much attention to what my relatives were saying, until my mom started speaking up.
The last straw for me was when she said: "Well, we're all so happy to be here. We never thought Ms. Piggy would get married, we all thought she would end up alone living in a cheap rented house with all her 4 smelly cats!".
As soon as I heard that I got up and walked out from my wedding and went outside the building where we were hosting the party in. My husband followed me and hugged me while I was crying and screaming nonstop.
I've never felt so disrespected before, and I didn't expect my family to be the ones disrespecting me. After a good 10 minutes my whole family and some of my friends came out from the building, looking for me.
My parents were fuming, screaming at me for walking out of the party, saying I was being the one to blame for all this since I should've just suck it up and let them finish their speech without making such a scene.
Some of my relatives also backed them up, which made me feel even worse. My husband started screaming back at them, saying that what they did was so uncalled for, and to get out, every single one of them.
I went back home with my husband three hours after all that argument happened, and cried all night long.
We're going to travel for our honeymoon tomorrow, but I've been a complete mess since then. They haven't apologized and I don't think they are going to do so. I don't know what to do.
Let's see what readers thought of OP's dilemma:
ysaac writes:
Okay let’s stop for a second. You really didn’t expect your family to humiliate you? Truly? Cause what you say and what you said aren’t matching.
You understand that for your mother to say what she did tells me you HOPED they would be better people then they actually are and it also tells me that you aren’t recognizing that your family actually hates you. For them to do what they did and say what they did in their speech means they really actually hate you.
They are toxic and I don’t know why you think you will get an apology, honey you truly don’t see that your family need to be cut out of your life? Really? They do not love you. They abuse you. They criticize you. Why would you even call them family? Why would YOU even allow them to do the video?!!!!
You understand the real person who ALLOWED this to happen here is YOU! Because you keep thinking these people are your family and love you when they so obviously don’t.
You need to cut them all off. Block them on everything and let them go. What they did at YOUR wedding shows you they are not family and they do not love you. How can someone you call family say to you that why do you only get to be happy on your wedding day? Also why does them humiliating you make them HAPPY???!!!!
Honey please wake up. You may have been a victim of abuse as a child but when you became an adult you are now a volunteer. Your family has NO REAL POWER OVER YOU! Except the power YOU give them.
You need to go no contact with every single one of those people who embarrassed you, ESPECIALLY your incubator (she is not a mother). You need to go no contact with each of them and the ones who condone the abuse.
Also if you keep any member who didn’t abuse or humiliate you and they try to tell you you are being to sensitive or unreasonable the you get rid of them too.
The only people you keep in your life are the ones who can see that what they did was wrong and hateful and who validate you and your feelings. You don’t need those people, you have your husband and his family.
ferraroenzo writes:
First from one human being to another, even though we do not know each other, I want to say I am so sorry that happened to you. That your family would so brazenly disregard your perfectly reasonable request, say those things, humiliate you, and on your wedding day!! You definitely deserve better.
Society leads us to believe that we must submit to our parents’ wishes and always be forgiving of family, even when they do the most disgusting and hurtful things. I was abused by my father as a child and needed years of therapy.
My family knows and to this day some of them still say “you should talk to him…he is your father after all.” That’s BS. Our family are supposed to love us and respect us when the rest of the world does not. No one needs to kowtow to an abusive, cruel, family.
For yourself and your own happiness (and to help you get past years of trauma) I recommend therapy (I do DBT and it is wonderful). But do it for you, not for anyone else.
As for your family; you owe them nothing. Not love. Not respect. And certainly not your time and mental wellbeing. Your parents chose to create you. You had no say in the matter.
Anytime someone says that “they gave you so much” smile and politely say, “they chose to make me, it is their responsibility to give me that. It’s the deal they made the night they made me.” Then leave.
I leave you with this: May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you have peace. May you be free from suffering. Namaste.
sarcasticgalop writes:
What I feel you should do is go on your honeymoon with your titane spine husband and enjoy the rest of your life with him as a new family. And his, if they are kind and warmful.
Your blood related one just showed / confirmed who they are. Trust them, they s... They ruined whatever you could expect from them. What your "mother" said was just foul. I cannot imagine what went through her obviously braindead mind and heart to say something like this. What kind of parent does that shit on their child's happiest day???
Ghost them, all of them, even the ones who came after you just for the drama. Just post a FB message months after you have a baby, adopted a kitten, or planted a new tree in your garden. Just go and live your best life, without them. I despise them on your behalf.
unusualfocus7 writes:
I haven't gotten through this and I think I see where it's going. I'm so sorry. The worst thing that I embarrassed my sister with at her wedding was the story of when she was about 2 years old. She somehow got into the cabinets in the kitchen and got a pop-tart.
She put it in the microwave for an hour. By the time my mom and her husband figured out what was going on, there was smoke all in the house. They thought the house was on fire. I told that story at her wedding lol.
I was never a chubby kid but I've known people who got bullied for it in school. This is going to sound really messed up because it is but in high school, the guys used to believe his kid that I stood up for.
Well, I only did once but that was because I got sick and tired of watching them treat him like that. They used to bully him for supposedly being gay and finally it got me so mad that I was like shut up and leave him alone.
So what if he is gay? How is he hurting you? He ended up dropping out because he just couldn't take the bullying anymore. I just think it's sad that he didn't get to graduate with his classmates because they were assholes.
I still think about him sometimes and hope he's doing okay. If I could remember his last name I would look him up on Facebook.
Anyway, I'm really sorry that that happened to you. I got the idea of the pictures and all that but that was just going way too far and that was just mean-spirited.
I've been bullied for being really skinny though so I get it even though it was the other side of the spectrum. I've heard things like men like meat and not bones and you need to eat a cheeseburger. It's my genetics.
Even if it wasn't, I'll never understand why people feel the need to comment on other people's weight. It's like, pretty sure I'm aware that my body type is what it is. Shut up and leave me alone.
I've noticed this especially happens with larger people. People constantly call them fat and it's like okay, thanks for the update there, Big Ben. Pretty sure they're aware of this. There was no reason for that in either of our cases. Hugs. You can talk to me if you want to, you can DM me if you want.
benie29 writes:
Drop them like a hot potato and don't look back. They deliberately did what they said they wouldn't do and your mother capped it with her final comment. It's time to move on and leave them behind.
Say nothing, block their social media, their numbers, or better yet, get a totally new number. Start new social media accounts if you want to w/o adding them. Return any mail from them to them, "recipient unknown, sender unknown" abd stick in the mailbox.
If there is still anything at their house that you want or need, have hubby and a trusted friend go and get it, or ask for a police escort to go with you in case of a confrontation.
Stop waiting for an apology, according to them they did nothing wrong, "you are too sensitive, it was for fun, it was a joke", etc. If they become obstinate and start harassing you, have a lawyer write a "cease and desist" letter, if they persist after that, get protection order against them.
That goes not just for your parents, but includes all of their flying monkeys too. They don't deserve you, and you are better off without them. Wipe your tears and have a great time.
stickylarue writes:
It sounds like your family have to keep you down to lift themselves higher. You don’t need people like that in your life. One of the best things about being an adult and now a married woman is that you can choose who is in your life and who is not.
What a sad life they have. I feel bad for them, pity them really. They don’t know how to love. But you, you do. You have a husband who clearly loves you and now you get to have a life filled with kindness, compassion and strength because you chose a man that sees you. That cares about you and that worries about you.
Count your blessings out loud for your brain to really hear it. Embrace your husband and don’t let your pitiful family ruin anything else for you. They may try but only you can let them succeed.
Move forward with your life. What you thought you were and what they claim you were is NOT who you are now. You are a woman with choices who has a person by her side that loves her and chose her above all others. Enjoy your honeymoon to the fullest and don’t let them take that away from you too.
They only have power over you if you give it to them. That goes for words and for your parents. Take your power back.
wispyciel writes:
They'd be dead to me. Doing this kind of thing to anyone on any occasion is bad enough.. but they do it on your wedding? To celebrate your life, your happiness.. and then they destroyed it with such malice?
They're horrible people. They don't care about you, respect you, or love you. Screw them. Good on your husband for telling them off. Focus on him and you.. and punish your "family" (more like toxic blood ties) by living a better life than them.. and don't look back.
I'm shaking, fuming and enraged for you. I'm holding back on all the horrible words I have to describe those people. Please go no contact.. they don't have your best interests at heart. People who love you don't treat you this way. Create your own family and leave that one behind.
Take things one day at a time.. have some down time, relaxation time.. remind yourself what's most important in your life. Your husband and those who love you for you.. no matter what. I'm sorry that you went through this.. I hope you have a wonderful future with your husband.