'AITA for not wanting my husband to have access to my inheritance?' + UPDATE

"AITA For Not Wanting My Husband To have Access To My Inheritance?"

My mother passed away last year. And the entire process is about to come to an end in just a few weeks. For the past six months, my husband has been looking at a multitude of things that on a regular day, we definitely can't afford. He'd have to use credit or save up for weeks or months. A person can wish for stuff or want to work towards a treat for themselves.

But he hasn't made an effort to save up for these expensive purchases. Instead he's been asking for updates on the legal process and asking how much longer it's going to take. He's even asked me several times about an estimated amount. I've given him very little to no information because at this time, things can still drastically change. With a creditor popping up and saying that money is owed or etc.

He's not the most responsible person with money. I've manage the finances full time for the past three years straight. He used to manage our finances. But he has a history of sabotaging our financial goals and blowing our budgets. My intention is to use half of my inheritance to move our family into a house.

Then save 40% to help my children in the future. Like graduations, college, trips, their first cars, etc. And have a small emergency fund. Something we couldn't do before because my husband kept giving money to his side of the family to help them with bills, groceries, legal troubles, etc.

Draining our accounts and leading our family to homelessness three separate times. I understand that if it's family, you have to try and help somehow. But letting your three children and wife become homeless because an adult family member couldn't be responsible enough to pay their own bills or got into legal trouble is a hard thing for me to fully understand.

I really don't want to wake up one day and find out that every cent has been spent behind my back. I'd like to open an account in my name and follow through with the plan I mentioned above. He has made it clear that intends to buy a new vehicle, tech, game system and other items just for him. Not our children or to improve our family's future.

When I talk about investing or saving, he says that life is too short for that. I told him that it wasn't about us. It was about our children. And his response was that when our children become adults, they should work for what they want. That statement seems backwards considering his actions as of late.

I know for sure that if his parents pass, we will have to pay off their debts and cover all of the unknown costs out of pocket. Financially speaking, started my marriage with my husband completely debt free. And I have worked for years to finally get him to be debt free as well.

But over the past ten years, he's paid off his parents credit card and IRS debts. They live paycheck to paycheck and think saving money is pointless. I'm not sure if I'm making the right choice. But I really just want my children to have the same happy and stress-free childhood I had. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

tabbycat4 said:

NTA. Inheritance isn't marital property. But you need to be straight up with him and tell him he isn't going to have access to it. You're gonna have to have enough spine to put your foot down. If he doesn't like it let him leave because it doesn't sound like he's contributing anything.

murphy2345678 said:

NTA. Get a lawyer to help set everything up so he has no claim to the money EVER. Open a separate account and don’t put his name on the house deed. Also are you in the US? Because you won’t have to pay off his parents debts. It comes out of their estate and if the estate doesn’t have any money it doesn’t come from family.

BriefHorror said:

YTA why are you still married to him????? You're risking the entire future of your kids to be with a guy who couldn't find fiscal responsibility given a x marks the spot map and a guide. He can still just spend the money without knowing how much it is and you'll be responsible for the fallout and have to use the inheritance anyway.

And 454_water said:

NTA. Keep your money as your money and you use it to do what's best for your family. I grew up with a gambling-addict of a father...there was a point where he drained all of their savings and hid the bank-book because he knew he did something bad. LEAVE HIM.

This guy will bleed you dry...he has absolutely NO CONCEPT ABOUT FUTURE PLANNING...DUMP HIM NOW! You seem to have some common sense...aside from marrying this loser...dump this dude...Anything he signed for (loans, etc.) his parents will be on you two. dump him NOW!

**Update**

Thank you to everyone who gave me the advice I needed. My Mom was the only person I trusted enough to ask for advice on serious issues. Some people asked questions that I would not like to address.

On the off chance that my husband, his family or family friends find this. I would like to keep those details to a minimum. So I can have the time I need to leave and ensure that my children will be properly cared for and safe.

You're all correct, I was a sh*t parent in the past. I was too focused on making the money to for our financial goals and not paying attention. I was too trusting without doing my due diligence. For that bit, I can accept responsibility and fight tooth and nail to make changes to be a better person and parent for my children.

I spent two days lining up appointments for the first week of October. When I know I'll have time alone to handle everything privately. I found a divorce attorney, a financial advisor and a bank that's a bit out of the way. I also made an appointment to visit the firm handling my Mom's estate to find out what my options are with them.

Everyone was correct about their assumption that I live in the US. That's the most I can say. Some things to clarify:

I truly am unsure if what kind of financial ties my husband has created with his family members. That's why I said that if his parents pass, I'm sure there will be debts to pay. But I'm definitely not going to be around long enough to finance it.

A lot of people asked how I could be with him. And he wasn't like this while we dated and after we got married. It probably started midway through my fourth pregnancy, with our now first born. It made sense that all of the trouble we faced, just to have a child, could have drained us. I believed because we kept all of our bills paid and filed away.

My binder of medical bills was three inches thick. From my first pregnancy to the day our first born came home from the NICU. With that in mind, I just accepted it as the blanket reason for everything each time. He would reopen that wound about how expensive it was for all of that. How it's going to be more expensive the next time.

I purposely had a birth control procedure done after I had a near death experience with my last child. I did it for health and moral reasons. I never told him about the procedure.

I'm still with him because my situation isn't so cut and dry. I had to dig our family out of hole and got an apartment. I tried to create as much stability as possible to focus on my Mom. All of this came out around the time I was taking care of my Mom. From the day I first took her to the hospital last year, I had to table it until now.