'AITA for giving my husband an ultimatum and now he may lose custody?' UPDATED

"AITA for giving my husband an ultimatum and now he may lose custody?"

Some background: My husband and I have a nine year age gap. I’m in my twenties and he’s in his thirties. We met when I was almost 21. We share one son together and he has three kids with his ex-wife to which he has primary custody.

My husband is dependent on video games and electronics. He wakes up and the first thing he’s doing is scrolling through his phone. We eat? He’s scrolling through his phone. We have a moment of silence? Scrolling through his phone. We are watching a movie? He’s on tiktok. It’s exhausting.

I’ve communicated to him that I want him to be more present. I’ve asked every time he has gone on his phone during inappropriate times - family time, games, movies, etc - to put it away and it only lasts for a moment.

Here is my issue; I used to be the only one working. My job makes amazing money and I was anti childcare because our son has medical conditions that I figured would be better suited for someone that’s family to watch him. So my husband would. But I would find out that our son was set in a playpen all day and my husband would play video games or be on his phone. All. Day.

We had cameras in the living room for me to see. We had many conversations about it and he would tell me I’m lying - which I’m not sure HOW as I would watch it on the cameras? - and it would lead to a huge argument. He would send me videos of our at the time not even year old son falling asleep in his high chair because my husband didn’t want to get off his game to put him to bed.

So, when confronted with this, he said that he was depressed because he wasn’t working. Alright, understood. I would be too! He started working again! He’s been working for a year. I’ve been working for a year. Nothing has changed. It’s gotten worse. He puts on noise canceling headphones and I can’t even get his attention if I’m screaming.

It’s pure incompetence. He doesn’t know what’s going on with my step kids, his biological kids, and I am in charge of taking care of everything. I’m the one who makes sure their lunches are packed, they’re showered, clothes picked out for school, and out the door on time. When I am away at work?

The kids are CONSISTENTLY tardy or straight up don’t go because my husband says ‘well they’re sick.’ We’re both health care professionals. They’re not sick. He just doesn’t like waking up early. The animals are also my responsibility fully.

I told him that I needed a break from being ‘on’ all the time and he told me I was ‘disgusting.’ When I asked him how he thought that was fair he said that he meant my words were disgusting.

I think my breaking point for whatever reason was he asked me if I would be okay with him getting a monitor and him setting it up in the living room so he van play video games and not have to wait for the children and I to not be watching a movie/listening to music. I told him not. He took the kids and said they were going christmas present shopping for me.

When he came back? He had a monitor and he set it up right next to the tv. He’s been there for the past four days. To the point when I wanted to take the kids to see Santa it was dragging him because ‘why should we wait in a line? let’s just go home and have a lazy day.’ We saw santa, came back, and he was on the gaming immediately with his headphones on and not engaging at all.

That’s when I left with our son and told him that he has three months to get his shit together or I’m gone for good. We left to be with some friends near my mom. He said that I abandoned him and his kids and his kids keep crying for me. Now their bio mom is wanting to get custody - which honestly? I think is for the best if he’s not going to step up. Yet, he’s blaming me for that too.

I feel heartbroken because I do love the kids dearly and I love my husband too. But I don’t want to be a ‘married single mother’ anymore. I’m mentally exhausted. I’m tired of not having my needs met too. I’m not talking sexually but I mean just having a conversation with my spouse. Having quality time! I’m tired of asking for what I feel like is the bare minimum over and over again.

I called my mom crying. I needed her advice and a moment to myself. I asked my husband to watch the kids - especially the little one. Within five minutes our son was in my room.

And it took him an additional 35 minutes for my husband to realize he was gone. All of which my mom ‘saw’. My mom even reached out to him because for whatever reason he listens to what she says over what I say even if we say the same thing.

And before anyone asks, he’s been to therapy, I’ve been to therapy, and we tried couples therapy but he always says the couples therapists are ‘off’ in one way or another.

TLDR AITA for telling my husband to get off his phone and computer every day and be more present with the family or I’m leaving and now he may be losing his kids?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Select-Negotiation87 said:

NTA. So basically you are single mother of four. With an unemployed husband who’s got gaming problem. Why are you still with him? He can blame only himself. He’s a man-child.

izzi_b said:

He is an addict, you should treat him as one. You are not going to solve this, he has to want to himself and it doesn't sound like he will very soon. He won't till he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. NTA, take care of you and your kid. Hopefully bio mom takes better care of the kids than their dad does

BonusMomSays said:

NTA. There is a reason he was available to marry you and a reason he chose to date a woman 10 years younger. You do not have 4 kids - you have 5. Dump this lazy man.

donname10 said:

Yta for staying this long. Divorce his @$$. Save yourself from mental illness and depression

Two weeks later, OP shared this update:

So, I apologize this is going to be a long one. He did lose his kids. His ex filed emergency custody and won. I’m very conflicted on this because I found out more information on what their life with her may look like and it breaks my heart either way. As for why I don’t keep in contact with his kids, his ex wife and I have a very tense relationship.

I have a PO against her and her husband for some violent threats and harassment they both made. Unfortunately, when the kids are with BioMom the contact I’ll have will be nonexistent for the safety of myself and my son.

NOW! My husband and I’s relationship is more complicated.. I found out he was cheating with a neighbor and someone who went to church with us. I’ll admit, when I first found out I went a little scorched earth.

Apparently they had met months ago. Something had been off and I had asked him several times if there was something I was missing. A week ago he just told me. ‘Yes. I’ve slept with someone a few times.’ He told me her name and that she lives two doors down and that they also volunteer in the same group at church.

I messaged the pastor. I messaged the local ‘girl group’ - again, small town - and went to her house to say hello to the lady that’s sleeping with my husband. Since she knew he was married, I view her as trash as well.

My husband was asked not to attend the church anymore - which was a blow to him because that was one of the few places he claims to have enjoyed. I also told his mother and all of his friends. I know people say vengeance is best served cold. Or some may say, ‘Vengeance is mine, saith the lord’.

Well, I’m not a patient person to see that. Nor am I someone who particularly cared about him in that moment. I wanted him to feel like his earth was shattering like mine was. Maybe childish, but honestly in the moment I didn’t care. I honestly still don’t care. He told me how he only did it because I was far and we had been fighting. He told me how she was nice to him. All BS, I’m sorry.

As for him and I? We’re not together. The reason I make so much money was because of the traveling aspect of my job. So, I’ll have to take a significant pay cut. But I’ll make it work. It will be hard. I’ve already done the math and it’s going to be a lot of extra shifts to make ends meet but I’ll do anything for my son.

Speaking of money! Guess what else I found out? He pulled out a loan for 20k in my name! I had consulted a lawyer and due to the nature of where we live and the laws around marital assets, there’s not a whole lot to do since he put it in his name as well. He also let this loan go to collections and my credit is hit.

At this point, once we’re divorced I’ll file for bankruptcy for a full do over. My son and I are okay though and that’s the priority. We are looking for a small studio or one bedroom. I’m ready to restart. I’m ready to be treated right - not in a relationship because I think I’m done with those. I’m ready to live life and be happy again.

His obsession with his electronics won’t change. I doubt it ever will. At this point it’s not my problem anymore. I’m sad that my son will have to be raised in a ‘broken home’ but it would be worse for him to be stuck in the middle of dysfunction any longer.