'My husband asked for an open relationship. Now people think I’m cheating on him.' MAJOR UPDATE
People have a way of revealing their true nature to you eventually, for better or worse.
"My husband asked for an open relationship, and now people think I’m cheating on him."
So I (27F) and my husband “John” (28M) have been together for 7 years, and married 2. John works out of town a lot, usually 2-3 months at a time, while I stay with our pets and am working on my nursing degree. A few months ago John asked to open the relationship since he was s*xually unsatisfied while he was out of town.
We laid down some ground rules and eventually he got a girlfriend who lives in one of the cities he works, and I sometimes have hookups or one night stands. Well recently his sister “Lizzy” called me crying, and asked how I could cheat on John. I just kind of laughed and asked if she was serious and she said that she heard from a friend I was at a club with another man.
Lizzy told me I had a week to tell John or she would, and hung up before I could explain everything. John was out of town for that week, so I didn’t have much time to talk to him, but when he came back he was exhausted from his work and didn’t want to talk much.
The next day I woke up with tons of texts and missed called, mostly from Lizzy and some mutual friends, calling me a cheating sl*t and saying I didn’t deserve John. I woke him up and showed him the texts and he said “well aren’t you basically cheating? They’re right that you’re sleeping around” and left for the day.
I tried to text Lizzy but she kept telling me to stop making excuses and lying. Our mutual friends don’t think John would want an open relationship, and won’t believe that he has a girlfriend. I’ve told John it’s been hurting me, and that we should consider closing our relationship, and him telling his friends and sister the situation, but he says he can’t just cut out his girlfriend.
He also said he can’t say we have an open relationship because then people might judge or see him differently, but that’s exactly what’s happening to me. I just feel lost, and like everyone is attacking me, and no one will help. I stopped seeing my flings and FWB after explaining the situation, but John keeps seeing and messaging his girlfriend.
Most of his texts are him complaining about how I won’t just own up to cheating, but I didn’t even want an open relationship to start, he did.
The internet was in OP's corner one hundred percent.
PalpitationTricky204 wrote:
At this point, just leave or seek counseling. Your mental health comes first.
OP responded:
I feel like I can’t really leave. We live in a small town, and if I did it would just solidify the idea that I cheated. I am seeing a therapist, but it hasn’t helped much.
DesperateToNotDream wrote:
Are you serious? He asked for an open relationship and then said “well aren’t you basically cheating?”
Yet he has a girlfriend.
So he’s cheating on you, by his own logic. He’s not willing to cut off his girlfriend to save his marriage to you. Sounds like the only thing you can do is tell him either he tells them, or you file for divorce. Which you should do anyway considering that your husband doesn’t give a rats ass about your feelings.
AWindUpBird wrote:
I don't think he cares about his wife anymore, tbh. Nobody would treat someone they love this way. I said this elsewhere, but I think he's letting her take the fall publicly because he plans to divorce her. This especially makes sense if they're in an at-fault state.
He'll look like the good guy in the breakup with his "cheating" ex, and he might get a more favorable divorce out of it, plus friends and family will side with him. She needs to collect evidence and get her a*s to a lawyer yesterday.
HunterDangerous1366 wrote:
He's in a full blown relationship with another woman. I'd have questions around that personally because he sees what your doing as cheating, yet he's got a whole ass gf in another city? Do they live together there? Was/is she the reason for the open relationship?
Most importantly, he is happy to ruin your reputation to everyone who knows you both to save his own. That's not a quality I'd want or like in a partner. It also wouldn't surprise me if his girlfriend doesn't know about you. Sure, he works out of time for months at a time, but he can't arrange to visit you or you him?
OP responded:
I’ve met his GF before they were even together. They don’t live together, he usually gets hotels from his work and they meet up on weekends. I do have contact with his GF, but we don’t talk on the regular.
arsecrack88 wrote:
Ah gawd I just had a really awful thought. Did you tell John where you were going the night of the club? Or even just that you were going clubbing? If so I hope he didn't conspire with his sister for an easy way to leave the relationship so people dont find out about your arrangement.
It's a horrible thought but what if only the sister knows and they're looking for a way for him to be with the OW by making it seem as though you're cheating, allowing him to come out of the whole thing "untarnished?"
Do you get on with the sister? Seems kinda suspect that it was her "friend" that saw you instead of her so you can't question why she didn't approach you then and there. Obviously the friend thing can be valid but still...I hope there's not more to it than meets the eye.
OP responded:
Yea, I tell him every time I go out, and he has to approve of the men I see, he also has access to my tinder and other hookup apps. That was part of our agreement.
RoseyDaisyDandy wrote:
So, you thought in your small town you could go out with a fling and nobody would find out? I would scorch the earth with this. Everyone already thinks you're cheating, go out and have fun. Make your husband look like a bigger fool.
Text him you're telling everyone his girlfriend's name and number, get his reply in text and send it everywhere. Don't worry about how innocent she is in this. This will be a lesson and eye opener for her to the kind of man she's with. After all that, divorce his a*s.
Four days later, OP shared an update.
So I met up with my husband’s girlfriend, and she was upset about what happened. Apparently he never told her that our hometown was calling me a cheater, or that I wanted to close our marriage. She came with me and met up with his sister and explained, and she was shocked and disgusted by my husband. The three of us confronted my husband and he wouldn’t listen and said it was still my fault.
I told him I wanted a divorce, and after he tried to convince me to stay and I refused, he agreed. I’m staying with his (now ex) girlfriend right now, who feels horrible about what happened, and is actually an incredibly kind and supportive person.
I’ll finishing my degree online, before I move as far away from him as possible. I know it’s not a super exciting or long update, and I doubt I’ll make another, but I thought I should say what happened anyways. Thank you all for the support and advice.
ETA: Please don’t ask me and my exes GF to date. She is 20, and I feel uncomfortable dating with that age gap. Not to mention we’re both straight women. Thank you!
The internet was happy to hear the update.
ellebaby_84 wrote:
I love that she had your back…I bet she’ll will be your ride or die chick! Focus on your schooling and career and he can kick rocks. Screw what everyone else thinks, you know your truth.
OP responded:
Me and her have so much in common it’s honestly hilarious. It’s like my husband looked for a second, younger version of me 😅
Embarrased_Suit_942 wrote:
I bet she'll be a fantastic wing woman too once you guys get around to dating again. Your husband can go fk himself.
OP responded:
She’s already asking if I want to hit up clubs and meet her guy friends haha, though I feel too old for clubbing already 😅
DesperateToNotDream wrote:
How exactly does he believe it’s your fault? HE has a job that requires him to travel a lot. HE felt his libido wasn’t being taken care of- theoretically due to HIS job choice. HE asked for an open relationship. HE got a girlfriend. HE refused to defend you when people called you a cheater. How is any of that your fault???
OP responded:
Honestly I have no idea. I guess in his head I should have just been ok with whatever and took the punches. I’ve always been kind of passive, but as passive as I am I won’t take being disrespected so blatantly.
Old-Mention9632 wrote:
While you finish school, grow yourself a shiny spine. Patients will test you, passivity and nursing are opposites.
OP responded:
I know I can be firm when I need to, I have two older brothers haha. I just prefer to take things out and solve them with mindfulness and understanding instead of laying down rules that might not be the best solution.
superblooper93 wrote:
I am glad that you put yourself and your wellbeing first. His behaviour was extremely selfish and his comment about you cheating from your last post was unbelievably toxic. I'm glad you got out and I wish you the best of luck.
(Not going to lie I would have been petty, recorded his while he talked to you about not wanting to close the relationship and having a girlfriend, and sent the recording to everyone who attacked you. What you did was probably healthier 😅)
OP responded:
As much as I dislike him, a part of me will always love him, so I can’t see myself hurting him that way tbh. I know it’s weak of me, but it’s easier to just move past things.
accj30 wrote:
Another post proving that when an open marriage is requested, the relationship is over.
OP responded:
I feel like some couples can make open relationships or polyamorous relationships work well, if not better than monogamy. I think if he had been more open, and supportive of me it probably would have worked out for us as well.
However I think when one partner tries to put another on a pedestal or forgets that they have to maintain relationships with both partners, it causes it to fall apart.
accj30 responded:
The open marriages that are reported here on reddit are nothing more than a hall pass with no expiration date, and it is actually an insult to consider this a polyamorous relationship. It is, in short, cheating without going through the hassle of divorce.
OP responded:
True, I think most successful open marriages don’t end up online, since there’s nothing to say.
Stockersandwich wrote:
Plot twist: the husband loses both wife and girlfriend, and they start a whirlwind romance.
OP responded:
I think I’ll be waiting a bit before I date. However I have been questioning my sexuality since we opened the marriage, and he wouldn’t let me sleep with women, so maybe now’s my chance 😅
Technical_Annual_563 wrote:
Girl you got a set of brass ones. And when you said you had no place to go, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought you’d end up living with his GF 😅 This update was everything, and I feel like I’m ready for my week now!
OP responded:
Tbh it was her idea, my options were rent a hotel until I could get an apartment, or sleep on the couch in my old house, she wouldn’t let me do either 😭
Well, this ended surprisingly well.