Husband’s kindness towards pregnant friend sparks marital drama, revealing deep rift in marriage. AITA? UPDATED 3X
"AITA My husband is better than my bf's husband?"
CrapKidThrowaway
I'm writing this post because my best friend's (Kate) husband (Bert) called my husband (Tim) an AH. I have historically kept my opinion of Bert's behavior to a minimum on the grounds that good friends say their piece once and then love each other through horrible relationships. But I'm asking internet strangers to be the judge.
I am traveling for work. Kate is stuck at home (working) at 7 months pregnant on modified bedrest. Generally during the week I drop over once or twice to bring her family some dinner (Tim cooks extra portions once a week to share), cheer her up, read her oldest a couple of bedtime stories so that mom can go to bed early and get some sleep.
Bert works an office job. Stressful, I'm sure, but during her pregnancy he's been working longer and longer hours (salaried, not overtime). She's been sad and a bit lonely. Yes, I've suggested counseling.
With that for background, this evening she and I were texting - it was about 6ish - and she got a craving for a taco place near my house and, importantly, near Bert's office. She says she asked him to grab her some on his way home.
He says he's not stopping. He's got work at home and she should just door dash something close. This makes her extremely sad (she's says irrationally sad, but you be the judge) because he used to surprise her with her favorite tacos and now he can't be bothered.
As one does, I tell Tim. I'm 3 states away, so it was just part of our chat as I was getting back to the hotel and getting ready for a work dinner. I get back from dinner and Tim had gone and picked her up tacos, remembered the bag of things I'd collected for her and the kid that were in my car, and pulled a tuna casserole from the freezer (Bert hates tuna casserole).
He dropped them off on the porch and just texted her that there were some things I wanted her to have. Then Bert gets home. Did he bring tacos, coloring books or a good attitude? No he did not.
He called Tim to tell him that he was an AH for "showing him up." Other colorful language was also used including some fairly sexist nonsense. He also texted me telling me to keep my husband away from his wife.
Tim did respond rudely when Bert called. Kate says he told Bert he was a failure as a human, a man, a father and a husband. Apparently that caused Bert to scream expletives so loud their daughter started to cry. Not good.
Tim then hung up on Bert, blocked him, and texted Kate that if she needed someone in an emergency she knew where to call but he wasn't putting up with her "horrible husband" any longer.
It's a giant cluster and I have no idea what's going to happen. My husband feels bad things escalated so much, particularly since their daughter was crying. He feels like an AH at the moment. Obviously Bert thinks he's an AH. I think he's a sweet man. What do you guys think?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
infernoxv
i have to say initially read the title as ‘my husband is better than my boyfriend’s husband’ and was very confused… 🤣
ElToroBlanco25
Right, I came for the drama, and all I got was Saint Tim the Gallant (I seriously love OPs husband's vibe).
BonnoCW
I want to grow up to be Tim. He sounds like a great human being, Bert on the other hand...
Corfiz74
I instantly got the vibe Bert was off effing his sidepiece and nowhere near the office, and that's why he didn't want to go there to grab tacos.
NerdySwampWitch40
NTA. Bert is the only asshole in this situation. Also, $5 says Bert didn't want to stop for tacos because Bert has not been "staying late at the office" and he was nowhere near the good taco place. Bert is getting shown up because Bert isn't even phoning in being a supportive partner and husband. He's sending a brain-damaged carrier pigeon.
Kate needs to rethink if this is what she wants for her and her kids' long-term. Is this the model of a relationship she wants them to see. An angry AH who ignores an easy request from his pregnant partner and then goes off when a friend helps?
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
CrapKidThrowaway
This update is shared with Kate and Tim's permission. For reasons that will become obvious, Bert can go eff himself. Bert did email Tim this morning to apologize. Bert said he had forgotten I was out of town and he didn't realize that Tim was dropping off the meal train food. It was a weird email for many reasons, but Tim responded politely if noncommittal.
Tim hasn't changed his view of Bert in part because of what happened between Bert and Kate this afternoon. Bert also texted me to apologize, but I didn't get his message until after I landed and by then everything else had happened. I've elected not to respond.
Bert went home around noon after staying at a hotel last night. Kate's sister had taken their daughter to the park so Bert and Kate could talk it out. Short version is that Bert has been avoiding Kate because she's not happy during this pregnancy.
I mentioned in a comment that Kate had been married previously and, shortly after her first husband died, she had complications in a pregnancy that forced her on bedrest. Unfortunately, her son didn't make it.
Her current pregnancy is bringing up a lot of painful memories and she's scared she won't be able to make it to full term. So, yes. She's not as cheery as she was when she was pregnant with their daughter. It's a difficult time.
Bert is frustrated and angry that she's not happy, so he's been staying late and ignoring her until she stops doing that. I know that sounds horrid, but I think they could have worked through those feelings.
But as he was explaining how he felt, he said she should be glad her son wasn't there because otherwise she wouldn't have this life at all. Yeah. That still knocks the wind out of me it's so cruel.
She did talk to him about that statement, but the explanation doesn't get better. In any event, for her that was just the end. She told him she was done, they can work out joint custody, but the marriage was over. She called her sister and she and her husband encouraged Bert to leave.
Currently, Kate's not angry or sad or panicked. She's just done. Personally, I'm surprised since they've weathered some fairly awful things including infidelity (by him). But I guess that was the line?
In any event, her DnD friends are over there for Saturday games night and they are eating waffles (she thought it was important for the internet to know that waffles are appropriate separation food).
In terms of her well-being which many kind souls were worried about, they have a prenup. The house is hers, his family property is his. I'm sure there will be a fight over custody, but she will be financially okay. In any event, she has family and friends who will help and support regardless of what happens.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
bamatrek
Wow, what a total poohead. I don't think there's anything else to say.
digitydigitydoo
Of course he was previously unfaithful. Glad she’s kicked him to the curb. Sending good thoughts her way.
Junior_Arrival3962
Wow. This guy is just...wow. I have nothing nice to say. I'm glad she's getting out though. Who throws their wife's previous miscarriage in her face? Just, no.
CrapKidThrowaway (OP)
I don't know if this is worse, but it wasn't a miscarriage. She delivered. He was just too premature to survive. It was a horrible time.
my2cents518
Oh man! It’s sad but at the same time liberating for Kate. Tonight, I’m gonna have a shot and toast up one of my son’s Eggo’s in honor of Kate and her angel baby. She’s got this! Sending all the positive vibes I can her way.
And shout out to you and Tim for being such great friends. Kate is blessed to have so much love and support. Praying for her to have a smooth delivery with a healthy, happy baby. Everything else will work itself out one day at a time. To Kate! 🥃
Bonnie332244
Wow…that’s a lot. Kate deserves all the waffles, support, and love right now. It sounds like she’s finally putting herself first, and that’s strength. 🧇❤️
Four weeks later, the OP returned with another update.
CrapKidThrowaway
Holiday update: I guess whether you think this is a happy update depends on whether AH abandoning their kids is a net positive or not. Kate and Bert are still separated.
It took her a few weeks, but she finally spoke to her attorney and asked them to start the paperwork. One problem has been locating him for service and scheduling parenting time so it wouldn't appear that she is withholding his child.
The night he was escorted out he apparently went to a hotel, then told his boss he had to work remotely (where the eff was that option??), and then moved home to his mother.
Kate has reached out to him multiple times to schedule parenting time and only found out last week that he wasn't in the state! She finally called his mom to see if she wanted to come and see her grandchild for Thanksgiving and learned that he was there the entire time.
In any event, they finally made a parenting schedule and, at her attorney's suggestion, agreed he could have the first holiday since the separation. He was supposed to come down on Wednesday and pick up their daughter for a few days so she could spend time with his side of the family.
So we planned a Friendsgiving to keep her spirits up since her little one would be away for the first time. Fun!? Not fun, but its what families do. Anyway, he didn't show.
Thursday morning, still no Bert. Kate was worried since he was supposed to drive down so she called his mom again. Bert was fine, but "didn't feel up to dealing with this."
Yup. Heard it myself with my own two ears. Kiddo was thankfully still asleep, so she did have the joy of watching her mom have a complete and utterly meltdown. Kate didn't have the greatest childhood herself and knowing her POS husband was completely indifferent to his daughter was just too much.
She was sobbing so hard she couldn't breathe and then started to have contractions. Then her sister and I started panicking. Had we been thinking clearly, we probably would have remembered that she had BH with both pregnancies and calmly assessed the situation after she wasn't so overwrought.
Instead, I panic dialed her OB and we rushed her to the hospital. She's fine. Baby is fine. Kiddo has now more screen time and junk food in two days than her mother has let her have in her entire life, because I am not a great babysitter.
Kate will be in the hospital for a few more days as her OB is concerned with her stress levels. Her sister's husband called Bert, but thus far he has not made any attempts to do something useful, like I don't know, take care of his own child!?
So I guess there won't be a fight over custody? A terrible update, but its been a terrible weekend. If anyone knows how to cheer up a little girl who is missing her parents that doesn't involve McDonald's and Bluey, please let me know. If there were still Toys-R-Us, I'd probably be bankrupt.
The OP then provided one more brief update.
CrapKidThrowaway
Thank you all for the suggestions, for shaking my brain loose. I had a sewing room full of supplies and hadn't even thought of crafts. We spent all day today designing and making doll clothes and matching scrunchies for her, her mom, her aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. She's happy and tired and I couldn't be more grateful for internet strangers.
On the less good news, Kate is going to be in the hospital for the duration. She and the baby are fine, but due to some complications they want her to stay there until she delivers.
Kiddo is staying with us until tomorrow (we live close to the hospital) but she'll be heading back to sister's place (which is close to her preschool) tomorrow night. Kate wants her to have as much normalcy as feasible. I'm still worried, but the doctors are great and seem to have it under control.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's latest update:
MamaCass
I’m so sorry to hear this update. Not surprised, but sorry. For the little girl, how willing are you to do crafts? Hit up the dollar store for several disposable table cloths. Put one on the floor and one on whatever surface you let her paint on. When done, fold them inward and take to the garbage. Clean up is 10x easier this way.
You could get a child’s beading kit to “make Mommy a Christmas present.” Bracelets, necklaces, etc. If you tend toward more DIY, look up a recipe for salt dough and buy some washable paints. Put her hair up, sacrifice an old t-shirt (preferably one of her father’s) and let it be a “painting dress.”
CrapKidThrowaway (OP)
You are a gem. I've been so thrown I didn't even think of arts and crafts! Thank you!
writing_mm_romance
My money is on Bert being happy as a clam that he can now be with his side piece without burden. That'll be short lived and he's going to try and win her back as soon as he sees how much he has to pay for child support. Document all of the attempts to give him access and the failures on his part, it will help her custody battle, and ultimately cause him to have to pay more support.
Fragrant-Reserve4832
I feel bad saying it but kiddo is better off with dad showing he's useless now than him stringing this out for years and breaking her spirit.
DawnShakhar
Take her to the playground, read her books. Seriously, you are a heroine! Don't beat yourself up about too much screen time and McDonald's. This is an emergency situation, and you are doing your best. As long as the child isn't stressed and traumatized, you are doing fine.