Husband 'blindsides' wife with an ultimatum, 'she shows no interest.' AITA?
"AITAH for giving my wife an ultimatum?"
I (35m) have been married to my wife (37f) for 7 years and we were together another 3 before that. We had a daughter (5f). On the outside our marriage appears to be perfect. She and I own a nice house with a good school district, have a great kid and both work full time.
Her job requires her to do some travel and wants her in the office 3 days a week. My job does not pay as well, but I work completely remote and spend a lot of time talking my daughter to soccer or doctor’s appointments as well as keeping up around the house. Before anyone asks this is not a weight gain issue. I am active and fit and my wife is the same.
For the past 4 or so years my wife has shown basically no interest in our marriage and acts more like my roommate than partner. We have basically no romance or intimacy.
When I say intimacy, I know what some people will jump to, but to me intimacy also means acting like a couple. Hand holding, kisses, cuddling.
None of those are really things my wife wants to do and makes it painfully obvious that she isn’t interested. Before she and I were very much an amazing couple.
My wife also shows no interest in my life. She has forgotten important events like our anniversary and my birthday. Our last anniversary she said she needed to cancel the dinner plans I made for the two of us because she had to work late on a Friday and travel for work the following week.
I brought this up to my therapist who suggested couples therapy and is willing to give some recommendations. I brought this up to my wife who immediately shut it down saying “there’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t need therapy."
I have made multiple suggestions to her for how we can possibly improve our relationship. Family vacation? “Our daughter won’t appreciate it." I don’t see what 5 year old wouldn’t want to go to the beach for a couple days but maybe I’m wrong.
A romantic getaway for just her and I? “No I’m too busy at work." Or “can’t we just spend time together at home?”
Taking our daughter on a bike ride and going out to lunch on a weekend? “I want to just relax."
So I gave up trying to initiate anything with her and recently began looking for an out. I watched my parents in a failing marriage for a decade and don’t want to put my child through that.
I talked to a lawyer and got papers ready and can buy a condo in town (to keep our daughter in the same school district with her friends) since I can’t afford our house by myself.
I recently confronted my wife when our daughter was at a playdate. I told her that I am seriously considering leaving her since I feel as though I don’t matter to her and our relationship is never a priority to her. I told her I have an exit plan and if she doesn’t make changes by the new year I am going to file for divorce and full custody.
She and I got into a big fight where she basically told me I was manipulative and an ahole for blindsiding her like that. I told her that none of this would be an issue if she cared about us or at least pretended to.
I told her I don’t want our daughter to see how unhealthy our relationship is. All of this happened yesterday. So Reddit AITAH for what I said to my wife and our argument after?
Edit:
I have brought up my concerns about our marriage to her multiple times. Things usually improve for a short while but are quickly back to the status quo in a week or two.
Here's what the top commenters had to say here:
catinnameonly said:
Partner 1: screaming into the void about relationship problems for years. Needs not being met. Etc.
Partner 2: I feel so blindsided by this! Pikachu face.
Maybe if P2 actually cared or listened, they would not have feel blindsided. They chose to ignore.
CandThonestpartners said:
I'm sorry to say this but your wife doesn't care. The first thing she say to you once you mentioned about ending it. She said" I was manipulative and an asshole for blindsiding her like that." First off you didn't blindside her, you mentioned it to her and she didn't want to listen.
Secondly you also asked about couple's therepy and she dismissed you. Everytime you try something, she doesn't want to know. She doesn't seem to care about you or your daughter. She doesn't care about your anniversary or your birthdays. She does not seem to care at all.
You are the one that is being there for your daughter and spending quality time. Are you sure she's not having an affair? Personally I wouldn't wait till the end of year. I go ASAP.
Drunkendonkeytail said:
NTA. I’d approach her once again about couples therapy, by saying “I don’t think you are unwell, but I think our relationship is unwell. Either we go to therapy and see if the relationship can be healed or I give up. I feel unloved and my needs are unmet by the current situation.” No blame, no finger pointing.
MizzyvonMuffling said:
She’s checked out already. Take your kid and leave.
HumanityIsBizarre said:
Your wife has checked out of the marriage and is probably just shocked that you still care about anything and demand to be anything other than roommates.
It’s one of three things, she’s fallen out of love but is sticking around for your kid /financial reasons, two she’s defined herself as asexual and has no requirements for intimacy or three she’s been using her nights out with the girls as cover for having an affair hence the complete lack of care/intimacy as she’s getting it elsewhere.
CrabbiestAsp said:
NTA. She wants all the perks of having you around without giving much back. She won't go to therapy, she won't go on holidays, she won't hold your hand etc. I agree with you, you're more like room-mates. Good luck with everything going forward.