'AITA for asking my husband to cut his family visit short by 2 days because of my cancer scare?'

"AITA for asking my husband to cut his 19 day family visit short by 2 days so I don't have to be home alone while I await further breast cancer screening?"

I've been under cancer screening since April. I've been called back for many tests & I have an upcoming biopsy later this month. Results will be in by the end of the month for now I'm in cancer limbo. It is mentally & emotionally exhausting to be in cancer limbo.

I run a few small businesses, have boss lady vibes, & am generally an emotionally TOUGH human. However, this cancer scare is TERRIFYING me. I've found myself crying more days than not since my first call back for add'l screening back in April. I feel vulnerable in a way I've never experienced.

Every summer, my husband (teacher), leaves for 2-3 weeks to spend time w/ his family. I'm usually busy working- it's no big deal- we're both very independent. He left two weeks ago to go start his summer time with his family. He also spent his ENTIRE Thanksgiving, XMAS/NY, AND spring break up w/ his family. I'm not preventing him from seeing them & I love that he loves his family.

Yesterday, I was having a tough time being home alone (our dog is also with him) & asked that he come home 2 days earlier than planned. Mind you, this upcoming Saturday, he is leaving to take a beach vacation with his family (I'm invited, can't join until at least Mon). That is also a week.

My biopsy is scheduled for next Fri & I had asked him to take me, meaning we leave family vacation 2 days early. That was the first avail appt & I didn't get much say in it as its already over a MONTH after my original MRI.

Back to my call yesterday. I was having a hard morning, on a mental spiral, & I called him, in tears, asking him to come home 2 days earlier than planned. He was super hesitant & replied with, "I'll talk to my mom" (!!). I let him know it felt bad to be treated like an afterthought. He tells me that he "doesn't appreciate being guilt tripped about spending time w/ his family".

I told him that I wouldn't be taking up ANY of his precious family time, that he should NOT come home early. I hung up on him, turned my phone off for several hours. He texted saying to call him when I'm ready to discuss things over the phone. AFAIC nothing to discuss, so I didn't call him. There was no interaction from 2:45pm until my phone rings at noon today.

I answer, "yes". He tells me he's headed to his sister's house to watch movies, & that he's planning to drive home "after". I told him in a very calm voice not to bother, that he's made it clear where he'd prefer to spend his time. He then raised his voice & said that we hadn't even discussed anything bc I hung up on him yesterday.

I asked him why he was yelling- he yelled back that he wasn't & further yelled, "what's wrong with you" at me. I told him I'd made other arrangements for a ride to my biopsy & that I wouldn't be in the way of any of his time w/ his family ever again. I hung up again.

In summary, he's been gone 17 days. I asked him to come home from his family visit on day 17 instead of day 19. I got told I am guilt tripping him for spending time with his family. So... AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

CryptographerAny2685 said:

NTA. If he can’t be there for you when you need him then kick his ass to the kerb. You are having a medical procedure where the results could be life changing and you need someone who cares about you to be there and make you a priority.

OP responded:

Regardless of what this biopsy shows, I need a double mastectomy. My lifetime risk calculated to 86.6%. Insurance pays for the procedure if you're between 31-40% lifetime risk. Mine is more than DOUBLE that. I'm just hoping to do things on my timeline at this point. Its been a lot to process while I still run multiple small businesses. But its very clearly MY issue to deal with.

mmontes said:

The fact that he can't put you as a priority makes him a major AH. My goodness, do you ever get to on vacation besides over to his families home? How about your family? NTA.

OP responded:

I mean I take vacations elsewhere... but he doesn't join me anymore. Thank you ❤️

AriMeowber said:

I’m wishing you a life free of cancer. It can be hard to get through, but once you cut that shit out of your life, you will feel blessed, free, and renewed. But enough about your husband.

Best of luck to you on your biopsy.

BeckyDaTechie said:

What the hell did I just read... So, what did your wedding vows say? Was he there when he said them or did his mother say them for him? He fouled that up BIG TIME. This is CANCER, not an ingrown toenail.

Now, that said, try to take a breath and articulate this fear and the feelings of betrayal to him in a more rational way. Do you feel disregarded? Unimportant? Only worth his time when you don't need it and simply want it? NTA.

OP responded:

I have clearly articulated my fears. Regardless of the results of this biopsy, I need to move forward with a preventive double mastectomy if I don't currently have cancer. Its serious. My lifetime risk calculated to a gobsmacking 86.6%.

For reference, insurance will usually cover preventative double mastectomy if your lifetime risk is above 40% (sometimes as low as 31%). I'm facing some really big hurdles and just asked him to come be with me and he accused me of making him choose between "his family" and me, because I'm very clearly NOT family to him.

sugarmag13 said:

Holy crap Your husband is a selfish bastard

You deserve better.

goldenfingernails said:

NTA for asking and he is an AH for not immediately saying yes. He might be so used to you handling your own things that he doesn't know how to respond when you ask for help and now he feels a combination of guilt and indignation. He's turning on your genuine need to comfort and your anger at his hesitation into "this is your fault for not allowing me to hang with my family."

That's some childish behavior right there. Has he done something like this before? Are you surprised he said that or not? How will you get past this OP? Has your concept of your relationship with him changed because of this?

And OP responded:

I don't think there's any getting past this. I am surprised. I genuinely thought if I asked he'd be there for my. Typically I am very independent- but I didn't drop hints here. I outright asked him to come home and he told me I was emotionally manipulating him.

He kept throwing his family at me like an accusation. Specifically his niece + nephew, whom he had plans with today. But he saw this niece and nephew over memorial day weekend and will see them again on the week long family vacation next week. Yes I asked to be prioritized over them in that instance, and he believes that I'm wrong in that. I'm gobsmacked.