'AITA for asking my husband to cut his 19 day family visit short by 2 days?'

"AITA for asking my husband to cut his 19 day family visit short by 2 days?"

I've been under cancer screening since earlier in the year. I've been called back for many tests & I have an upcoming biopsy later this month. Results will be in by the end of the month for now I'm in cancer limbo. It is mentally & emotionally exhausting to be in cancer limbo.

I run a few small businesses, have boss lady vibes, & am generally an emotionally TOUGH human. However, this cancer scare is TERRIFYING me. I've found myself crying more days than not since my first call back for add'l screening back in April. I feel vulnerable in a way I've never experienced.

Every summer, my husband (teacher), leaves for 2-3 weeks to spend time w/ his family. I'm usually busy working- it's no big deal- we're both very independent. He left two weeks ago to go start his summer time with his family. He also spent his ENTIRE Thanksgiving, XMAS/NY, AND spring break up w/ his family. I'm not preventing him from seeing them & I love that he loves his family.

Yesterday, I was having a tough time being home alone (our dog is also with him) & asked that he come home 2 days earlier than planned. Mind you, this upcoming Saturday, he is leaving to take a beach vacation with his family (I'm invited, can't join until at least Mon). That is also a week.

My biopsy is scheduled for next Fri & I had asked him to take me, meaning we leave family vacation 2 days early. That was the first avail appt & I didn't get much say in it as its already over a MONTH after my original MRI.

Back to my call yesterday. I was having a hard morning, on a mental spiral, & I called him, in tears, asking him to come home 2 days earlier than planned. He was super hesitant & replied with, "I'll talk to my mom" (!!). I let him know it felt bad to be treated like an afterthought. He tells me that he "doesn't appreciate being guilt tripped about spending time w/ his family".

I told him that I wouldn't be taking up ANY of his precious family time, that he should NOT come home early. I hung up on him, turned my phone off for several hours. He texted saying to call him when I'm ready to discuss things over the phone. AFAIC nothing to discuss, so I didn't call him. There was no interaction from 2:45pm until my phone rings at noon today.

I answer, "yes". He tells me he's headed to his sister's house to watch movies, & that he's planning to drive home "after". I told him in a very calm voice not to bother, that he's made it clear where he'd prefer to spend his time. He then raised his voice & said that we hadn't even discussed anything bc I hung up on him yesterday.

I asked him why he was yelling- he yelled back that he wasn't & further yelled, "what's wrong with you" at me. I told him I'd made other arrangements for a ride to my biopsy & that I wouldn't be in the way of any of his time w/ his family ever again. I hung up again.

In summary, he's been gone 17 days. I asked him to come home from his family visit on day 17 instead of day 19. I got told I am guilt tripping him for spending time with his family. So... AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

CryptographerAny2685 said:

NTA. If he can’t be there for you when you need him then kick his ass to the kerb. You are having a medical procedure where the results could be life changing and you need someone who cares about you to be there and make you a priority.

OP responded:

Regardless of what this biopsy shows, I need a double mastectomy. My lifetime risk calculated to 86.6%. Insurance pays for the procedure if you're between 31-40% lifetime risk. Mine is more than DOUBLE that. I'm just hoping to do things on my timeline at this point. Its been a lot to process while I still run multiple small businesses. But its very clearly MY issue to deal with.

mmontes said:

The fact that he can't put you as a priority makes him a major AH. My goodness, do you ever get to on vacation besides over to his families home? How about your family? NTA.

OP responded:

I mean I take vacations elsewhere... but he doesn't join me anymore. Thank you ❤️

AriMeowber said:

I’m wishing you a life free of cancer. It can be hard to get through, but once you cut that shit out of your life, you will feel blessed, free, and renewed. But enough about your husband.

Best of luck to you on your biopsy.

BeckyDaTechie said:

What the hell did I just read... So, what did your wedding vows say? Was he there when he said them or did his mother say them for him? He fouled that up BIG TIME. This is CANCER, not an ingrown toenail.

Now, that said, try to take a breath and articulate this fear and the feelings of betrayal to him in a more rational way. Do you feel disregarded? Unimportant? Only worth his time when you don't need it and simply want it? NTA.

OP responded:

I have clearly articulated my fears. Regardless of the results of this biopsy, I need to move forward with a preventive double mastectomy if I don't currently have cancer. Its serious. My lifetime risk calculated to a gobsmacking 86.6%.

For reference, insurance will usually cover preventative double mastectomy if your lifetime risk is above 40% (sometimes as low as 31%). I'm facing some really big hurdles and just asked him to come be with me and he accused me of making him choose between "his family" and me, because I'm very clearly NOT family to him.

sugarmag13 said:

Holy crap Your husband is a selfish bastard

You deserve better.

goldenfingernails said:

NTA for asking and he is an AH for not immediately saying yes. He might be so used to you handling your own things that he doesn't know how to respond when you ask for help and now he feels a combination of guilt and indignation. He's turning on your genuine need to comfort and your anger at his hesitation into "this is your fault for not allowing me to hang with my family."

That's some childish behavior right there. Has he done something like this before? Are you surprised he said that or not? How will you get past this OP? Has your concept of your relationship with him changed because of this?

And OP responded:

I don't think there's any getting past this. I am surprised. I genuinely thought if I asked he'd be there for my. Typically I am very independent- but I didn't drop hints here. I outright asked him to come home and he told me I was emotionally manipulating him.

He kept throwing his family at me like an accusation. Specifically his niece + nephew, whom he had plans with today. But he saw this niece and nephew over memorial day weekend and will see them again on the week long family vacation next week. Yes I asked to be prioritized over them in that instance, and he believes that I'm wrong in that. I'm gobsmacked.

About 17 days later OP posted, "BENIGN results after mri guided biopsy! Plus summary of my screening journey."

Hi friends,

MY RESULTS CAME BACK BENIGN! Official diagnosis of PASH which is best case scenario for me! I experienced joy and relief for the first time in MONTHS yesterday!

My screening journey:

A few months ago was my first ever mammogram (age 37)

A week after my initial screening I received a call back for a diagnostic mammogram and breast ultrasound for both breasts. The tears began at that phone call- I had not yet seen my report when my phone rang to schedule the diagnostic and I had no idea how common additional screening callbacks are in younger women. I've learned a LOT recently.

2 days later was my diagnostic MMG and US. I have grouped microcalcifications, areas of asymmetry, complex and simple cysts. The radiologist rated me BIRAD 3 and told me to expect to be recalled for further testing every time I'm screened. She mentioned preventive double mastectomy to me at this appointment.

She told me I would need to alternate between MRI and diagnostic MMG/US every 6 months and should get tested for BRCA. More tears- did she say preventive double mastectomy to ME?

About a week after that I went to my PC for a follow up. We went through the Tyrer Cuzick lifetime risk calculator and my score came up at 86.6% lifetime risk. She ordered BRCA testing (those results are still pending, due back by mid July).

Because my lifetime risk calculated so high, she ordered an MRI for me at that time rather than in 6 months. The anxiety returned in FULL FORCE. 86.6% lifetime risk is STUPID high. I cried a lot that day.

The breast MRI was a month after that. It was not fun- loud noises, arms over your head, that tiny claustrophobic tube. I nearly had a panic attack but somehow held it together and got through it. Next time I'll ask for anxiety meds.

A few days later I picked up the report that told me I was recommended for an MRI guided biopsy for an area of "non mass enhancement". There were actually 2 areas of NME but only the larger was to be biopsied. BIRAD score was upgraded to 4.

I was referred to a breast surgeon who ordered the MRI guided biopsy. That appointment was a useless waste of time in my humble opinion, but I guess necessary for insurance hoops. I don't know. This doctor was not involved in the biopsy which took place at a facility an hour from where I live.

My MRI guided biopsy took place about a month later. The month long wait between the MRI showing need for biopsy and the biopsy itself was NOT good for my nerves. I have never experienced such high levels of anxiety. I am a type A PLANNER and NOT KNOWING for SO LONG was torture!

The procedure itself was less scary than I imagined, but I did take a good amount of xanax that my physician prescribed me (and hubby drove me to and from). That helped immensely because the biopsy part of the machine sounded like a power drill and I would have had a full on panic attack due to the noise.

I did not feel any pain- they numbed me with lidocaine. The entire process took less time than the initial breast MRI but they wheeled me in and out of the machine multiple times to ensure correct placement of biopsy needle etc.

After the procedure, they squeezed out the blood and bandaged the wound with steristrips. I was taken to mammogram for 1 picture to check clip placement. It did not hurt- much less compression was used versus a regular mammogram and my breast was still numb. They took 1 quick image and that was it.

I was then brought back to change. I purchased a zip front sports bra specifically for this procedure and it was an excellent thing to have for day of and after to keep my breast still and keep an ice pack securely in place. I iced for most of the first 48 hours and I bought 2 different types of breast specific ice packs from the baby aisle of target.

I only needed Tylenol on the day of the procedure- by the 2nd day ice sufficed. Bruising has been minimal but the biopsy site is still painful nearly a week later if bumped or jostled. The steristrips came off after 72 hours.

I have to follow up with high risk breast cancer specialists due to my dense tissue, family history, and high lifetime risk calculation. I will probably pursue a preventive double mastectomy.

I already have an appointment scheduled for a high risk management clinic at the end of the month and once my BRCA results come through I'm going to ask for a referral to a different breast surgeon since I dislike the one I saw previously. The road ahead is still long, but manageable.

I can breathe for the first time in MONTHS after the benign results came through yesterday. My husband and I went out to share a bottle of wine and some steaks at our favorite restaurant to celebrate. Hugs to all of you in this forum. Get your screening, pester your doctors if you're worried, and STAY HEALTHY. ❤️