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WIFE: 'AITA for telling my husband I'm done asking him what's wrong?' HUSBAND finds post & shares his side

WIFE: 'AITA for telling my husband I'm done asking him what's wrong?' HUSBAND finds post & shares his side


"AITA for telling my husband I'm done pushing?"

Me (40F) and him (39M) have been together for 20 years and married for 15. Two kids. He has had bouts where he is "unhappy" and been caught having emotional affairs several times. We have separated 3 times, each lasting about 6 months and then he decides his family is where he wants to be and we reconcile.

Here lately, I'm seeing the same pattern of being unhappy (moping around, disconnecting from everyone, face in his phone constantly, etc.). I do 95% of the household tasks. On top of working 50 hours a week, homeschooling.

He maybe cooks dinner once every two weeks and he is responsible for grocery shopping on Thursdays and trash on Tuesday. He has hobbies outside of the home that he does once / week and then he does an all day thing related to this hobby once / month.

I've asked him if he wants to talk about it and he insists nothing is wrong and I'm imagining things. I stopped pushing. I told him that, until he communicates that something is wrong, I'm going to assume it's not. I do not have time to beg someone to tell me what's wrong when they clearly don't want to.

The marriage counselor basically told him that he has a communication issue, but he would never do the exercises with me and insisted that the counselor sided with me because she was a woman. When we got a male counselor and he said the same thing, and that the guy was interested in me.

I told him this morning after he was mad that I hadn't pushed him all week trying to figure out what was wrong, that I'm done pushing. I'll ask what's wrong and if there is anything that I can do to help him once or twice, but after that, I'm leaving it. I'm done.

I'm exhausted all the time and feel like I have a sulky teenager in my house. He is now giving me the silent treatment and telling people his needs aren't being met. AITAH?

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:


Sounds like you've put up with all of this long enough. Sometimes we're better off alone (or alone with kids) than with someone who clearly doesn't respect us or care one whit about our feelings. Ask yourself this question: If you woke up 5 years from now and things were exactly the same, would you smile or would you want to kick yourself? Respond now based on your answer.


Get advice on how to divorce a narcissist. They’re a unique breed. They will do whatever to besmirch you in public. Stop talking to your friends. They’re not your friends and will sell you out to him. Please take this advice. A narcissist knows how to make themselves look like a victim in public and he’ll exploit that with your friends.

All of a sudden the water works will start and he’ll start telling all your friends how he’s blindsided.

Get a book on covert narcissists. Make sure you do it from a private Amazon account, so he doesn’t know you’re reading it.

Prepare yourself to be ostracized. It’ll hurt, but if you prepare yourself ahead of time it’ll hurt less. Take all that extra time you would be spending on them and start using that time to woo yourself. Start developing your hobbies, exercise, whatever makes you happy. Good luck

Commenters seem to agree that she's NTA.

After reading everyone's comments, she later shared this update:

I appreciate all the comments, I'm trying to get my ducks in a row to figure out the next steps without losing my house and kids. I scheduled a consult with a lawyer for 2 weeks from now.

He is petty enough (and prides himself on how petty he is) to fight me every step of the way just because he can. He has gone and told all our friends that he showed vulnerability to me and I brushed him off. When I tried to explain, I was told "he doesn't hit you, he doesn't drink do drugs, he goes to work...what more do you want. My husband is the same way as yours. It's part of marriage"

so when women friends, who I thought had fantastic marriages, are telling me the same thing, I started questioning if it was just me and if I'm just so emotionally checked out that I'm the problem.

But every story has two sides. A few days after her original post, her husband shared his own post with his account of what went down.

"AITA for giving my wife silent treatment because she's checked out and no longer pushes me about what is wrong?"

He wrote:

Been together 20 years, 2 kids, picket fence...all that good stuff. My wife (40F) and I (39M) are at an impasse and I'm giving her the silent treatment because she isn't meeting my needs or showing any concern for me and my feelings. We got into an argument because she asked me what was wrong and I felt that, after 20 years, she should know to keep asking...and she didnt.

She told me she would only ask me once and would assume all is well unless i tell her differently. Normally she asks and asks until I eventually tell her. It's kind of a game. Eventually I tell her and we work it out.

More and more lately, she has less time for me and tell me she's exhausted between work and kids and home and all the other stuff. I work too, I have hobbies that take me out of the house, im tired too, she doesnt get a monopoly on being exhausted. Thats parenting. I cook some and take out the garbage once a week, which is more than a lot of men have to do.

We have had a hard time on and off through our marriage and are getting on a better track after a separation that I felt was needed after she saw a message pop up on my apple watch from a coworker she had asked me to distance myself from personally. I felt she was overstepping just because my coworker was female.

My wife is super introverted and doesn't really leave the house so I'm not worried she's cheating on me. I've been quiet for almost a week and it seems like she doesn't care. AITAH for keeping on with the silent treatment until she goes back to caring for my feelings?

HUSBAND Comment 1:

I do stuff at home. If she works late, I'll grab food or cook (usually once or twice every few weeks), I take the garbage out to the road once a week since she has some health problems that bother her and the garbage is heavy. I dont cook more often because she tells me I "use too many pots" and "leave her kitchen a mess". I don't do laundry because I messed it up royally and ruined her work clothes.

HUSBAND Comment 2:

Yes, but every other time she has asked and asked for about a week until I felt like telling her. She's a super anxious person and says that it really bothers her when she can tell something is wrong by the way I'm acting but I don't tell her.

She told me I have a history of "being unhappy" and then seeking attention elsewhere. We went to a counselor but they agreed with her because women band together. We got 5 sessions in and I refused to go. She still goes on her own.

HUSBAND Comment 3:

They were legitimate mistakes. The laundry thing I already discussed, I forgot to put the pod thing in the dishwasher and ran it without soap. I put her cast iron pot in the dishwasher and apparently this is a big no no and it took her a lot of work to get it back to where it was good to cook with again. I forgot to nail some of the boards in when she was putting her back "sitting area" together. It's little things.

HUSBAND Comment 4:

I didn't have a physical affair, but it got carried away as a friendship and my wife and the therapist said it was an emotional affair. I know it was the wrong thing to do, I just hadn't had any attention in about 8 weeks with the difficult recovery from the c-section where she opened up her incision twice and then the anxiety about taking the baby anywhere or sids.

She would stay up all hours of the night watching to make sure he kept breathing. I contacted her friend to see what I could do to help because she kept telling me she has so much anxiety and didn't know why and that the doctor kept changing her meds so she needed to adjust.

It was friendly and 100/ on board at first and then it turned flirty and next thing I know it's two years and I'm planning a vacation and to break up my marriage. I stopped it then. That's when she found out.

Comment from user DumpedDalish:

YTA and your wife should leave you. Summing up the worst crimes from your comments:

1.) She works full-time, yet still handles 90% of the household chores and parenting. 2.) She manages and homeschools your child with special needs. 3.) You read her private journal and excuse it with some BS that you do not believe in or allow privacy of any kind in marriage.

4.) You had two emotional affairs (one with one of her only friends, two months after your wife had given birth and was PPD -- now she no longer has friends of her own -- or at least lets them around you). 5.) You are currently on the road to a new affair with a co-worker who you admit messages you "constantly," calls you "love" and discusses how "handsome" you are.

6.) You are currently and openly playing mind-games with your wife to purposely make her feel anxious and not tell her what's going on with you. You are now giving her the silent treatment in addition to this because she isn't begging you to tell her anymore.

7.) You use weaponized incompetence and claim you can't do the dishes or laundry but you make dinner once every few weeks and take out the trash, which is so totally equal! /s 8.) Meanwhile, your wife split her C-section incision TWICE doing your laundry post-partum.

8.) You do not tell your wife you love her or compliment her. When pushed on the last time you were kind or loving to her, you said you "gave her a card in May." 9.) You refuse therapy because the female therapist sided with your wife, saying "women stick together." You quit therapy completely when the male therapist did too.

Honestly, she's a saint and deserves so much more. You are not worth 5 minutes of her time. Luckily, she seems to be realizing that fact.

The husband later shared this update:

I get it. I'm a massive a-hole. I'm going to have a talk with her when I get home to see where she is at, if she has checked out of the relationship emotionally, I'll let her go, even if I don't want that. I grew up in the same kind of household and seeing my grandparents do the same. The only thing she does differently from my mom and granny is hold a job.

I still don't think I'll do therapy as I don't think I need it, but I'll make an effort to be more supportive at home and help.

User u/Ariadne then finds the HUSBAND's post, and replies to the above post to alert his WIFE to a now-deleted pair of comments from HUSBAND:

Hey OP, found your husbands thread...did you know he was reading your journal as well? Everyone on his thread is beating him up over it, but as he said he has never told you he is also reading your THERAPY notes, thought you should know as well.

HUSBAND replies:

I found something called a "shadow work journal" of hers, so I know most of it, but I don't know all the details and I don't want to open up to her more if she is going to hide stuff from me.

I told her from the start that I would not have someone keeping a journal that is secret or hidden in the house. I know this goes against most people, but I knew she kept one growing up wrote in it daily. Shes a writer and would do that as a career.

I was up front about it 20 years ago because we found out stuff after my mom died from her journal and I don't want secrets kept like that. I have always told my kids they wont keep one either.

My wife tells me it isn't my place and they they need a private place to work through their feelings. I disagree. This was something discussed from the beginning when I saw her bringing in her old ones when we moved in together after we got married.

The HUSBAND then later shared this update on his original post:

Apparently my wife posted last week and got an overwhelming amount of support telling her I was a narcissist and to leave me. She set up an appt with a lawyer based on the feed back. It's in two weeks. I'm not sure who sent her this post, but she is PISSED at me.

He then shared this second update:

Since this has gained so much attention, I'm doing a final update and then I'm deleting the account. The messages, comments, everything is a LOT to deal with. My wife destroyed all her journals she had been keeping since middle school so I couldn't read them and try to use anything against her.

Apparently she had them hidden in various spots in the house like under a loose step in the staircase and under a drawer in the bathroom. I get it. I'm an overwhelming a-hole. I appreciate the messages that have sent me links and videos. She is adamant in moving forward with a lawyer and told me her best hope is coparent as civilized adults and do what is best for the kids.

Her name is no where on the house as it was an inheritance, so she will have to move, there is nothing I can do about that. I'll try to make it as easy as possible on her from here out and just apologize for taking advantage of her and what a wonderful person she is.

And then, the WIFE posted this final update:

I guess things imploded yesterday, I think he found my original post, copied a lot of my post and then posted trying to get sympathy here and was absolutely destroyed...thank you great folks for that! I had the post sent to my main, and I'm not sure who figured that out, but you should 100% make finding obscure people on the internet a career!

He claimed he isn't on social media and that simply isn't true, he spends a great majority of his time on social media. He left and went to stay with a friend after me telling him that I was done and there was no coming back from everything.

I guess I kind of came out of the fog reading all the replies and the books I ordered. I found out he read my journals and that was the overall breaking point for me. I appreciate the feedback and messages so much and everyone who took time to link his post. I hope you wonderful people have amazing lives and wish you all the best!

Whew. What a ride!

Sources: Reddit,Reddit II
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