'AITA for refusing to get gifts for my husband's side of the family?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for having an arrangement where I am only responsible for buying my family Christmas gifts, and my husband buys for his family. Except he doesn't so his family doesn't get any gifts from us?"
Husband makes almost 2x more money than I do, we split mortgage, daycare, bills 50/50 and he buys 90% of groceries and also covers the family car payment. Since we dont pool together our 'extra' money we have an agreement where I buy Xmas gifts for my side of family and he buys for his.
However he doesnt want to exchange gifts with anyone so he just won't buy people gifts. He doesnt want anything from anyone but his family still buys us gifts. In past years I may have bought them something but this year I definitely cant afford to buy for everyone so I'm not going to.
Husband doesnt care at all but I know some of his family members will notice and be upset we didnt at least get gifts for young nieces/nephews. I realize my husband is the a$$hole in this situation but his family doesnt know about our arrangement so I think it makes me look like a grinch too.
I feel the gift giving by default falls on the wife, I would never in a million years expect my husband to buy my mom or other family members a xmas presents without me asking him to but I feel its expected of me to make sure his family is covered.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
_McTwitch_ said:
The fact that you're NTA in this situation to an outside observer isn't going to stop your in-laws from being upset. You need to sit down with him and explain to him your concerns, since they almost certainly will wonder why you didn't do it because it is almost always the wives who select gifts.
His silence will effectively chuck you under the bus, so he needs to use his grown up words and talk to his own family and explain why he's made the decision to be a miser. If at all possible, I would try to get something small for the kids, though. They're not going to understand what's going on like an adult would.
Bluemonogi said:
NTA. You should let everyone know about your arrangement though and he is choosing not to get gifts. Maybe you could bake cookies or buy a little candy to give the kids from you. Not a gift from him or both of you but from you.
In future maybe you should lobby to change the arrangement, set a gift budget that you both contribute to and get gifts for everyone. Your husband may not care but in other people's eyes you are both going to be seen as kind of rude.
GwenDylan said:
NTA. I hate that so much emotional labor automatically falls to women.
Rentalhellissue said:
NTA, can you ask him to refund you for his family gifts (or at least the niece/nephews)? My significant other did that to me one holiday but realized his error when my parents received gifts and his parents didn’t. He felt embarrassed after he received gifts and didn’t return the sentiment to his family members.
Also, I would totally be passive aggressive if he still dung his heels in and make it known that he’s being the holiday grinch to your displeasure, like, “sorry, I really didn’t want to come empty handed but husband refused to buy gifts this year.” But that’s me and I don’t know how “outspoken” you can be to your husbands family or your husband.
And [deleted] said:
Just contact/ drop into conversation to his family members... how’s the shopping going? Yes I’ve gotten my side of the family stuff...and as you know husband gets yours... so it will be interesting to see what he gets.
She later shared this update:
wow thank you everyone for all the responses! I spoke with my husband and he is going to give the kids cash. I dont know how else to explain it other than he just doesnt care for the custom of gift giving. Maybe that makes him selfish, depends who you ask I guess.
Money is tight for us so part of it is him being stingy, but he also has no problem spending money on himself or his hobbies....and his family knows that. I will ask that he tells his family that he is responsible for buying gifts for his side, and he has chosen not to. I will also have him mention that I am responsible for my side and I do buy them gifts.
I appreciate seeing some other women are annoyed by the gift giving default arrangement. Maybe if we had a lot of extra money I would happily take his credit card and buy for everyone but I still feel that he should be a participant in this. I know for sure my husband is not worrying or even thinking about who I got Xmas gifts for.
All the women in his family very much do EVERYTHING for their husbands so it would never occur to them that anyone other than me would be looking after this. The financial arrangement we have works for us. There would be much more arguing if we had to run every purchase by each other.
We have looked at our finances and both end up with roughly the same amount of extra money for ourselves at the end of the month. Anyways Christmas is about so much more than gifts!!! Hope you all have a very merry one 🙂
Update #2:
I read up on feminism and retract my statement of "I am not a feminist by any means". If in fact being a feminist means wanting equal rights for women and men then yes ! I am a feminist! And pro mens right as well! I have wrongly associated feminism with some extreme feminist social justice type issues that I personally dont agree with. Pardon my ignorance.