Husband finally tries to spend time with wife after 'intervention,' 'I'm not willing to cancel plans.' AITA?
"My husband wants to spend time with me again but I’d rather not to cancel my plans. AITA?"
Growing up, my husband and I were both the weird kids with no friends. I was a bookworm who talked too much. He was a class clown that people found annoying. We grew up, met each other and got married after 2 years of dating. We’re both in our late twenties.
While my childhood wasn’t great without close friends, I’m not desperately yearning to revisit that time in my life. I have friends and we talk once every few days and we see each other in person every couple of months. We live pretty far apart. My husband on the other hand is/was looking for ride or die friends. I think he grew up watching too many movies about that.
Eventually at work he found those friends. They were incredibly intertwined and my husband did everything with them at work and in his free time. I tried to warm up to them but they were immature, dramatic, and they all had dated or broken up with each other.
As time went on, my husband spent less and less time with me. I was lucky if I saw him once a weekend. I tried to have an intervention but apparently these people were fulfilling his deep need to have that close friend group, something I can’t provide. And I can’t lie, he was happier than he had been in a long time. Sometimes you have to choose your spouse’s happiness over your own.
Recently my husband has been making comments that he’s missed me or that he wants to spend time with me. I think it’s because his friend group is not meeting that often. This weekend, my husband wants to go on a date. However, I already have plans. I’m going to the zoo alone. My company had free tickets and I snagged one.
My husband is very sad that I’m not willing to cancel plans with myself to spend time with him. I told him that I’m not a distraction or a backup plan in case his friends can’t hang out with him. I’m going to the zoo and I’m going to enjoy myself. AITA?
EDIT:
I asked him if he wanted to go in January these were corporate weekend tickets which are limited. He said no, he would be something with his friends. That’s part of why I don’t want to buy him another ticket. I don’t want my nice day alone to be ruined by someone who’s only there because his friends aren't available. It just ruins the mood. I would be happy if he actually planned a date and invited me to do something instead of trying to make me cancel plans I’m looking forward to.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Trailsya said:
NTA. He put his friends before you for a long time. It's nice he wants to go on a date now, but because of his behavior you no longer counted on him for the weekend. He can wait another week instead of being so dramatic about it. You waited many weekends for him while he spend time doing other stuff.
ElementalHelp said:
NTA. He can reconnect with you on a day that you're available to do so. He went out and lived his life. Did he expect you to just be waiting for him when he was done doing that? I do wonder though: why are you still in this marriage?
Internal_Ad_3455 said:
NTA but I think you need to sit him down and explain to him exactly why in detail. Get all your feelings out. This dynamic is not sustainable long term. Your marriage is in trouble. You both need to work on fixing it or work toward a divorce.
bmyst70 said:
NTA. I would recommend marriage counseling here though. He's pushed you off, taken you for granted. It's great that he wants to have close friends, but your spouse is supposed to be the top priority. Not the "in case my friends aren't available" priority. And I see the marriage falling apart unless he starts taking action to put you first and his friends second. Therapy can help with that.
MeanestGoose said:
NTA. You don't deserve to be consistently plan b. However - this is the opportunity to talk to him about how you've been feeling when he might actually be able to hear and understand you. Explain to him that you feel like he prefers and consistently prioritizes his friends over you.
Explain how hurt and rejected you have been feeling. Remind him of the times you've extended a hand and he's slapped it away to hang with his buddies. Let him know that you will believe he genuinely wants to spend time with you when he plans it in advance, arranges something you both enjoy, and doesn't cancel it when something "better" comes along.
DogtorDolittle said:
NTA. You can only be rejected so many times before you start shutting down your feelings in order to protect yourself. He wants to keep you on the back burner just in case his friends aren't available, and that's not acceptable. Seriously consider whether you should stay with him.
Nobody_asked_me1990 said:
NTA. I believe Mark Twain said it best: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Tell him if he wants to go on a date that would be wonderful and he can choose a date and time that works for both of you.
Bitter_Animator2514 said:
NTA. He showed you what his priorities where and went about life now he’s hopefully realized that he put him and his needs first and has to earn that relationship back with you.