Husband that gets every Thanksgiving with his family thinks Christmas arrangement is 'not fair.' AITA?
"AITA for asking to spend every Christmas with my family since we spend every Thanksgiving with husband’s family?"
I did not grow up celebrating Thanksgiving so I’ve been fine spending it every year with my bf’s (now husband’s) family. I understand the sentiment of Thanksgiving but it’s not special to me.
Before we were married, I spent Christmas with my family and he either works (healthcare job) or spends it with his family. Most of the time he ends up working on Christmas in order to get Thanksgiving off.
When he has to work on Thanksgiving, his family celebrates it on a different weekend instead. Without fail, we drive 6 hours to his parents’ house every year and spend a long weekend with them.
We got married a couple of years ago and now have a little one. I told him I want to celebrate all Christmases with my family since his family gets all Thanksgivings. He thinks this is unreasonable since I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. He wants to alternate Christmas celebrations between my family and his.
I told him that’s not fair because his family has guaranteed holiday time with us every year, whereas my family only would get every other Christmas. He said he would even do every 2 Christmases with his family instead.
Christmas is my favorite holiday and the main reason I want to spend it with my family is that my brother has three kids so it’s more fun. I also just really like to see my family on my favorite holiday. I think it’s fair because husband likes Thanksgiving more anyway.
Since he doesn’t want to go to my parents every single Christmas, I asked if I can then opt out of some Thanksgivings and not go to his parents’ house all the time. (I really like his family and I overall have a good time with them but I just don’t enjoy the food or the 6 hour drive.) He doesn’t want that either.
His mom is aware that I like to spend Christmas with my family but she has also commented that it would be nice if we make it at their house around Christmas time. Our families live in different states so we can’t really spend each holiday with both sides.
My parents’ house is 4 hrs away, his parents’ is 6 hrs away, and it would add an extra 4 hour drive to stop by their house if we were to also see them during the Christmas holiday. We both think the other is being selfish in our stances. AITA?
EDITS:
Dear husband and I are reading all the comments. Sorry if I can’t reply to everyone as I’ll just be repeating myself! I see now that I am being selfish since Thanksgiving is meaningless to me. We decided we will probably 1- start hosting holidays 2- spend Thanksgiving with his family and another weekend, or maybe new year’s or Easter with mine 3- likely stay at home on Christmas and start our own family tradition with our little one.
Holidays are great because everyone, including extended family, are in town. It’s easier to get time off with the holiday already built in. I also like seeing the little ones open Christmas presents. We have other holidays like NYE and Easter where my family members might be in town — just need to coordinate ahead of time.
We will still go to my family for Christmas some years but I just won’t insist on doing it every single year. And as our kid gets older then i imagine they’d want to open presents at home (as i did when I was little), so we might host instead, or ask family members on both sides to rotate Christmas celebrations every year.
We did offer to host Thanksgiving before, and we will probably insist more on rotating the location with his parents/siblings if/when we have more kids. THANK YOU for the feedback!
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
[deleted] said:
NAH. I just think it’s a different perspective, not innate selfishness. From my POV, there are two ways of looking at it: Your POV: We see your family every year, so let’s make sure we see mine every year too.
His POV: We see my family on Thanksgiving because you don’t care for Thanksgiving. I want to see my family on Christmas, as most people do, so let’s alternate on the holidays we both actually care about.
Neither of you are wrong or selfish for wanting those things, IMO. You just need to compromise. I get why you view it the way you do, wanting to see family every year around the holidays. I also get why he doesn’t want to just give away Christmas forever - it’s not his fault your family doesn’t do anything/you don’t care for Thanksgiving.
Tbh, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to alternate Christmases, or even do the 2-for-1. I think giving up Christmas indefinitely is a big ask. That said, I think he should do something as well to make sure you see family around the holidays too. It may not be feasible with work/finances/will to travel, but that’d probably be a decent place to start.
idea-freedom said:
NTA. It’s a reasonable a argument that you make. It’s not so much the specific holiday as balancing the time between families. As you get older you may want to opt out of both for Christmas since Christmas morning at home is a big deal for kids.
Deliquate said:
NTA. Thanksgiving is a holiday that you're spending with his family whether you're sentimental about it or not. The fact that you're not *sacrificing* doesn't mean it doesn't count; is this some sort of pain competition? If his family gets a major holiday, yours should too.
Fluffy-Scheme7704 said:
NTA. He has 2 holidays with his family and you only one every other year.
Few-School-3869 said:
NTA. You both need to compromise. Either all of T-day at his and all of Xmas at yours, or some Christmases at theirs but then you get to skip some turkeys.
wannabyte said:
NTA - it sounds like you value Christmas the most and your husband values Thanksgiving the most. If your husband spends most Christmases working in order to ensure he has thanksgiving off, what is the plan for Christmas then? Do you not get to your family because he is prioritizing Thanksgiving?