'AITA for refusing to give my wife of 10 years another baby?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for refusing to give my wife of 10 years another baby?"
I 46(M)and wife, 38(F) has been nagging me non-stop about having another baby that I don't want. For a little bit of insight. I already had 7 children before I met my wife. I had 4 of them living with me full-time, and 3 of them I had split custody with. When I met my beautiful wife.
She had a 4 month old daughter that I absolutely adore. After we got married, We had a few children of our own. So our life is pretty hectic.
We are finally at a point where we are stable. Where I don't have to work as much and can be home with the family more. I'm so overjoyed because I didn't really get the option to spend much time with them, but now I can.
Now my wife went from suggesting to demanding to us fighting all the time about having a baby. To her complaining that she's always wanted 5 children and that I was taking her dream away from her.
My wife also said our three-year-old is getting too big and that she would like to have a baby now before she gets too old and what's it to me on having another one when I already had 7 before her and giving her another baby is the least I can do, especially because she raised my children, taking the best years of her life away from her.
That she didn't even want to take care of them. She only did it out of obligation to me. I was very hurt when she said those things, especially about our children, because some of my children were really young when we got together and they call her mom.
I tried to explain to her the things she was saying was hurtful and that it wasn 't fair to me to have to go back to working more to provide for another baby.
Especially when we already have a 7, 5, and a 3 year old together. On top of having a 10,13,16,and an 18 year old living in the house. While trying to help our 21 year old move out.
Telling her that we already have so much on our plate and adding another baby right now just isn't a good idea on top of the fact that she almost died giving birth to our youngest. We both had to go to therapy because of it, and now she wants another one. It blows my mind. Which turned into a bigger fight.
Her saying some really mean things that I really don't want to repeat just in case my children read this.My wife yelled at me and called me the biggest ahole she's ever met. Not to talk to her because it seems to be a waste of time. She is now gone and is staying with her mother as of right now.
I've tried texting and calling her. She's not responding.It has been 3 days since then. I really don't know what to do. I can't give her a child.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I had a vasectomy after she nearly died giving birth to our youngest. I NEVER thought we would have another baby after everything we went through.
Before we give you OP's wild updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
violetsen writes:
NTA - people are focussing on the vasectomy when this isn't the point of this post. When someone has a medical procedure, they're not obligated to share it with anyone, not even their wife, if that's the case. It's possible she knows since they are reversible.
No one should have a baby if their heart isn't in it, it'll breed regret and resentment, especially if you're now finding a little peace and settling into a new, more enjoyable phase in your life, only to start all over again.
Your wife is lashing out and trying to hurt you, emotionally manipulating you, and trying to force your hand into getting what she wants. She might even lay down an ultimatum; have a baby or it's over.
Honestly, you're nearly 50, I don't know what kind of physical condition you're in, but one can make a point that it's a little unfair to be having kids so late when they might not have you for very long. Young adults need so much guidance, you're going to burn out.
If your wife is making this into such a big deal, I would prepare yourself for this marriage to be over. Because even if she comes back and drops the issue, she might stay to keep the family together but she'll harbor resentment.
With all the stories I've read on here, I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to baby-trap you or hooks up with someone to pass it off as yours (if she doesn't know about your procedure.)
Let us know what happens when you talk with her. I'd love to know more about what she says. It's a shame she's so hostile about it. Take care.
awkpay7 writes:
First things first... NTA. Second, my husband and I agree with one thing, if the wife has magically forgotten about the snip snip, just agree to try with her. Or if she doesn't know you got a vasectomy, then say fine, you win, we'll try to have another baby.
A happy wife equals a happy life. Honestly, your wife needs to go to therapy. And you need to change the locks on the house. She left and she can stay gone until she gets help. The fact that she was cruel about the kids who call her mom that she didn't give birth to is a HUGE red flag OP. She needs mental health help yesterday.
Seriously, change the locks and tell her not to come back until she gets evaluated and gets help. Something is wrong with her.
muffinaccor writes:
NTA, Maybe therapy is best, not sure how you’re gonna convince her to get there but she def needs it. Does she know you’ve had a vasectomy? It’s doesn’t sound like you told her that truly, and if you did, definitely remind her, tell her how much it will cost, your pain and struggles after, financial stability and keep your stance on this.
She’s your wife but she doesn’t get to dictate how many kids you have. She may be scared to not have a child in her arms or in her “nest” when the youngest goes off to school. She’s raised kids for so long she might not be wanting another one, but rather unsure of how she’s going to power through this new phase of your youngest being her last “baby”.
She does need to apologize for the words she’s said so far. It’s not okay to say “she’s raised your kids etc” as a reason why YOU should also be a participant in raising and making and FINANCIALLY supporting ANOTHER life. That’s was rude and uncalled for, IN MY OPINION.
However OP, don’t feel discouraged and you aren’t wrong. You have every right to say no. No means no. And she shouldn’t want to argue that stance. You have enough kids, you deserve to enjoy being present for them just as you are now.
And now, OP's upsetting update:
I don't actually know if this is how you do an update, but this is how I'm going to do it.To be honest with you. I really didn't think this would get very many responses. I truly appreciate everyone's feedback and advice. Especially all the positive ones. I do appreciate the mean ones, too.They give me a new point of view of things.
I am going to answer some of the most asked questions. Yes, my wife did leave me home alone with all the children when she left. Yes, we did discuss how many children we would have.
Actually, it took us about 3 years of discussing it, and we decided to only have 1 or 2. Our third was a happy, terrifying surprise. As for the vasectomy, I did not directly tell her.
A lot of people are asking how she wouldn't have known that I had a vasectomy. She left me at that time.The reason why we went to therapy was because I refused to be intimate with her. To be honest, I was terrified of getting her pregnant again and then her dying.
Those were some pretty hard times. Our therapist suggested one of us or both of us getting fixed. I thought that was a brilliant idea. My wife, on the other hand, thought that was a little bit extreme.
But to do what I had to do to fix my problem. We also went to great depths on discussing having another child. We both decided that her life was way more important and we wouldn't have any more children.
So when she said She always wanted 5, I have no idea where that came from. I do plan on having a family meeting with the older children and discussing things with them on how she treated them and seeing how that goes.
Hopefully, it goes well. I'm a little bit nervous. I did hear from my monster in-law. I mean my mother-in-law. She told me that my wife wasn't coming home anytime soon. But she will see me at my mother's Thanksgiving.I did take the week off due to my wife not being here. So I can take care of the children.
On a side note, my daughter (E) The 21 year old has been acting weird. After (R) The 18 year old showed her my Reddit story. (E) asked me if she could talk to me privately after the family meeting. I feel like trouble is brewing.
I did try to persuade her to tell me now. She said that she didn't have enough time and she had to get going for work. Needless to say, I'm really stressed out.
And now, OP's post-Thanskgiving update:
I know you all have been waiting for an update. A lot has happened, and I needed some time to process it. Thank you to all those who reached out to me to make sure I was okay.
Family meeting: I learned that my wife was a good mom/ stepmother, but she was a horrible biological mother to (M). That was a hard pill to swallow. I learned that she was pregnant.
I also learned that my youngest child may not be mine. All I have to say is I wished the family meeting went differently.
Day of Thanksgiving: My wife did show up. I tried contacting her several times before the get-together. To tell her that I knew she was pregnant and that we needed to talk, and I never got a response.
Every time I try to talk to her at the get together. My brother (Dick) would get in my way. (Dick) would tell me to leave her alone, man, or don't bring up drama here. All I have to say is I was getting really sick of him.
It was time to sit down to eat. She didn't sit by me. She set by (Dick). I thought that was really weird, but it all made sense when she made her announcement. She told everyone that she was pregnant with (Dick's) child and that she would like a divorce. So her and Dick can have the relationship they deserve.
But what hurts the most is when my mother said, "Huh? I thought we were going to wait until after the holidays. After that, it turned into a s*** show. I gathered up all the children and left except for (P),(M), and (I).
They wanted to stay with their mother. I didn't have the energy to fight them. Before I left, my mother handed me divorce papers and a list of demands for my wife.
I will be speaking with my lawyer on Monday. I do plan on getting counseling/therapy for me and the children. I also had to go back and pick up (P) and (M) because my wife left them behind and told them that she didn't want them.
I had a long conversation with my mother. I decided that I would be cutting her out of my life. She's always been a s***** mother.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's dilemma:
I am so sorry. Your mother is despicable, and I can relate in so many ways. My mother kept news from me that my lifelong friend and boyfriend were together. She let them break the news in the worst possible way, and laughed about it. My mother and friend are no longer in my life.
Please consider going no contact or low contact with your mother. It's clear that she doesn't have your best interest in mind, and does not care about the emotional wellbeing of your children either. Cut all of them out and be the best father you can be.