'My husband grew up wealthy and he will not tell me his finances. Am I overreacting?'
"My husband grew up wealthy and he will not tell me his finances. Am I overreacting?"
I (42f) and my husband (48m) have been married for 10 years and share 3 children. He has always been really secretive with his finances and was kind of showy when we dated letting me know he could “take care of me." I worked until we had our first child and I ended up extremely sick during my pregnancy. I stayed home during pregnancy and the babies 1st years, otherwise I have worked.
I try to pay some of the bills but he generally makes much more than I do as well as receiving a payment monthly from his investment property he inherited. With that he makes about 2.5x what I do. I don’t complain and I buy groceries sometimes, pay my bills as well as several household bills.
My issue is he will not tell me his finances. At 3 different points in his life he has had someone bail him out of MAJOR credit card debt that he didn’t have to pay back. He has always had his parents to fall back on and it’s frustrating. Not because I am jealous, but because he makes enough that if he budgeted and was honest with me, we would be fine.
We are moving and in comes another major issue that has been repeated over the years. He has been listing things for sale on market place and not letting me know he is selling them. Some things were furniture his mother gifted us, one was a lamp I LOVED and he was sneaky about it. Now I never know what is going to be missing from the house.
It’s frustrating and I have asked him to please just met me know so I am not surprised but he won’t. He said it isn’t a big deal and he forgets. I’m just beyond frustrated and at my wit's end. This has been 10 years of him and his BS and I’m honestly considering divorcing him after our move if things do not change. I have given him 10 years to figure out that he needs to communicate and he can’t seem to figure it out.
Another issue is that I have been responsible for packing everything. Even when his dad packed and brought his mother's things here after she passed I was the one who had to go through everything.
It’s been 2.5 years and he has done nothing with almost entire house worth of stuff in our garage. He sold a few things, two of which I wanted to keep. Sorry, I’m just so frustrated! He will sell this stuff, spend the money and then complain he is broke and we can’t replace it. Am I the ahole?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
AbFab-alicious said:
NTA, but you are if you stay is this situation. He's not changing.
Top_Turnip_4737 said:
You need to get out. Also there’s a huge chance he’s broke and hiding mounds of debt from you. Only way to find out is a divorce. NTA.
Level-Music-3732 said:
Speak to your father-in-law since you seemed to have a good relationship with him. Frame it in such a way that you are seeking his wisdom. FIL probably does not know what’s happening. And maybe he’s inadvertently enabling his son’s mishandling of his income.
JustinTyme92 said:
Financial infidelity is a problem. In a divorce, he could be asked to go back and account for his expenditures and provide you with half the money he earned retrospectively. If he wasted it and ran up debt, the courts won’t care, that’s his problem, you’re entitled to half.
Jerico_Hill said:
Straight up, he's nowhere near as rich as he makes out. I'd wager he's almost permanently broke if he's gone into major credit card debt that he had to bailed out of, 3 times. If he won't share finances I'd bail too because I think he'll drag you down with him once it all comes home to roost and it will. He's lying to you left right and center. NTA.
ilic_mls said:
NTA, but you weren't really smart from what I read. So he was ALWAYS secretive, told you some stories and you still married the man and birthed 3 kids. And now you are shocked?