'Husband has a new chosen family he prioritizes and sees every week, I’m jealous and frustrated.' AITA? + UPDATE
"Husband has a new chosen family he prioritizes and sees every week. I’m jealous and frustrated."
My husband (“John”) and I are mid-30s and together 8 years. We’ve been through a lot of big life stressors. It has strained our marriage and we’ve worked hard in 2 yrs of marriage counseling to rebuild.
I’m now 8 months pregnant. I’m feeling vulnerable, huge, hormonal, and tired —- I’m the primary earner and workload has been a lot on top of baby prep. I’m normally a very rational, independent, and sort of non-emotive person. I’ve never been jealous before.
….But my husband has a new female friend “Pam” and I’m now jealous and possessive. Even I find it weird. Pam is mid-twenties, white, has my husband’s preferred physical features, is bubbly, spontaneous, in an open relationship, and into the same hobbies as my husband - I have my own qualities, but I’m pretty much the opposite.
John met Pam and liked her immediately - I remember him coming home and telling me how cool she was and he’d been invited to a hobby event she hosts with her partners. He’s been attending that every other weekend for a year.
Then a few months later he also wanted me to get to know Pam so we’ve started having her and her partner Kevin over with some of our other friends on the in between weekends so my husband sees them every weekend.
To be fair, Pam and Kevin have been really nice and are good friends to John. But there are things I’ve noticed - Pam always sits next to John, she and John say “love you” casually to each other with the group, John is very protective of Pam, and he remembers things she likes and buys her gifts (nothing pricey, but thoughtful).
If for some reason one of these events is cancelled John is noticeably sad. Going even a week without seeming them is hard for him. Because of these weekend commitments we don’t do date nights and rush other activities.
If I have other plans then we split up and don’t see each other. We’re discussing in counseling but can’t come to an agreement. Our counselor facilitates but doesn’t give direct guidance.
I’ve shared that it feels like he’s prioritizing this relationship over our own. That I hate that these standing “date nights” with Pam and her partners trump our own. That he’s not keeping up with commitments to me or the baby — and I’m managing with my own support network of family and paid help, but at 8 months along I need help. That this needs to change.
He’s shared that Pam and her partners are part of his new chosen family since he’s had to move away from his family because of me. That I said it was okay for him to spend this time with them and I can’t just change my mind - that it’s unfair.
That he’s willing to spend more time with me but then something else needs to give (either chores for him or me adjusting my work schedule). That he thinks I’m overly sensitive and am only worried because Pam’s relationships are open and my insecurities are something I should deal with in individual therapy.
I’m really not sure what a compromise looks like and counseling seems to just cause us to entrench more. I guess I'm just wondering what advice anyone out there might have?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
I bet a paycheck that he is trying out the poly lifestyle, emotional and/or physically with Pam, and will be sitting you down for a Poly ultimatum soon. He is way too intimate with this chick and her lovers for it to be platonic imho.
You already know it’s coming. He’ll be wanting to “explore his true self” very soon if he hasn’t already.
Oh by the way, "chosen family" is used to differentiate friends from your biological family (usually bad parents or siblings you are forced to put up with). Your spouse is also chosen family. Like, by definition.
Three years later, the OP returned with an update.
It’s been a while since- our little boy is 2.5 now. Thank you to everyone who commented - it was the kick in the butt I needed to lay down the law. Especially the folks that rightly pointed out I was a passive doormat without self respect — that stung but was true.
After my post, I had a big sit down with John on my the things I was upset about. My husband was traveling to be a groomsman for a good friend — I told him to stay out there for an additional week and decide:
If he wanted to stay married and wanted to be a family. If he wanted the above, think about what needed to change on his part (not just Pam but other stuff too), how he was going to be a good husband/father going forward.
Arrange to go over it with me and our marriage counselor on his return. Alternatively, if he didn’t do the above then when he got back we’d start logistics on separation and co-parenting.
And surprisingly, he did all the above. Apparently he reflected a lot at the wedding (his friend and his wife are such an in love couple) and thought a lot about us and our relationship and what he wanted.
He came back and proposed changes (immediate break from Pam/company and stop to their hobby — he’d play some dnd / mtg online but that was it), he’d take over remaining baby prep (nursery, logistics), and promised to lay out a post-partum care plan for me and baby. He stuck to his word and also worked hard to regain my trust.
Then we had our son and my husband was over the moon in love. He and baby have been inseparable ever since and have an amazing adventure filled life with all the hobbies (baby/toddler swim, gym, soccer, co-op, and a great local parent community). After our kiddo was born Pam lost interest in my husband anyway (she doesn’t like kids) and shortly thereafter cheated on her poly relationship.
Kevin and John have actually become good friends since then, but John is straight so I have no worries there. And as I’ve reflected — I think I also just actually hated Pam — she’s everything I don’t like relying on men for affirmation, no job/life ambition, frivolous and stupid.
And apparently (according to Kevin) the feeling was mutual - she thought I was a controlling, stuck up, robotic ivy league workaholic who didn’t appreciate or support my husbands hobbies/quirks. I was also a lot more emotional during pregnancy than normal. My husband- upon reflection liked being needed and admired.
We had a lot to work through with us, but two years later we’re in a great spot (I also had a weird shift in hormones post-partum which made my sex drive really really high which for us helped a lot with our relationship).
Didn’t want this to be too long, but there were a lot of changes we implemented to get back to a loving place. John feels a lot of purpose in being a dad and supported me as my career has taken off. Sometimes things are still hard (my job is really high stress, toddlers are a lot of work, etc).
But we’re pretty happy. We spent this morning snuggling in bed with our toddler and dog pretending we were on a boat, making hair dryer sounds, and giving hugs. We live a pretty boring suburban kind of life - but it works for us. Thanks everyone for the push for me to stand up for what I wanted and needed.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
What a great update. I'm so glad your husband honestly reflected and chose you and the baby. Hope it stays that way!
That wedding's timing really came in clutch. The couple deserves a gift basket every year on their anniversary for getting him to finally clue his ass in.
Weddings really are effective test for a relationship. You either get lovey dovey and inspired, remembering why you married your other half and recommitted. Or you realise that you either don’t feel that way anymore or you never did.
Made me think of another BORU about the man who was helping some other couple while missing the birth of his baby then was suprised pikachu face that she wouldn’t bring the baby home. I’m glad this one had a better outcome - that other one left me furious.
It’s good that John reflected but I remain baffled at how and why people like him think the behaviour is reasonable in the first place. And I’d be so annoyed that it was someone else’s wedding that finally led him to understand what he was doing, and not my tears/requests 🫠
It's nice to see a story where the husband reflects on the situation well and a good ending for everyone. Unlike the terrible husbands in typical internet fashion.