Gay dad tells husband he’s not a real parent. 'My ex-wife's husband doesn't try to parent him.' AITA?
"I told my husband he has no right to parent my son, since my ex-wife's husband doesn't try to parent him either. AITA?"
I (34M) have a 9-year-old son with my ex-wife, “Anna” (33F). We split up five years ago when I came out. It was painful, but ultimately amicable; we're both happier now, and we co-parent our son fairly well. She’s since remarried to a great guy named Jake. I’ve also been married to my husband, “Leo” (36M), for a little over two years now.
Here’s where it gets messy. Leo has always been supportive of me being a father, but lately he’s been acting like he is a co-parent too. He tries to discipline my son, have heart-to-hearts about serious topics, and even tried to introduce rules that he says should apply at our house. I told him I don’t think it’s his place.
He got hurt and said that he’s not trying to replace anyone, but that he lives with us half the time, makes meals, helps with homework, drives my son around, and that it’s unfair to expect him to act like a guest in his own home.
Here’s my logic: My ex-wife’s husband Jake sees my son all the time and is nothing but polite and warm, and also does the same activities Leo does, but he doesn’t parent him. He’s not involved in rules, discipline, school stuff, any of it.
Anna and I agreed that only biological parents would have that authority. If I tried to step in and parent Jake’s daughter from a previous marriage, it would be completely inappropriate. So I told Leo the same logic applies. He said that this comparison is flawed and that just because Jake is hands-off doesn’t mean he should have to be.
He says he’s being punished for caring and that it’s deeply weird that I want him to emotionally disengage. He even asked if I’d prefer he act like a roommate instead of a partner. Anna thinks I’m being a bit rigid, but didn’t say I was wrong. Jake hasn’t said a word (as usual).
My mom thinks I’m right and that this boundary is important. Leo has barely spoken to me in two days. So, AITA if I made it clear to my husband that he’s not a parent and needs to stop acting like one?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your son is now your husband's step child. Yes, I can see not being able to discipline him. But he should have input on rules, etc. He takes your son to events, enjoys taking him places and talking to him, yet you are treating your husband like he's a roommate in his own house. I agree with whoever said you're being too rigid. YTA.
"If I tried to step in and parent Jake’s daughter from a previous marriage, it would be completely inappropriate." OP, your "comparison" is idiotic and it's concerning you don't see that. Very concerning. Jake's daughter does not live with you. You are not married to Jake. Your "comparison" is garbage and disrespectful to the issue *your husband* is trying to raise.
Ultimately, you can draw this boundary if you feel strongly about it. And probably lose your husband. So, think hard about what you are doing and when considering what a "parent" is maybe spend some time reflecting on what a "marriage" is...
YTA so is your ex, step parents who aren’t allowed to co parent will never feel like they are family.
NAH, but y’all gotta communicate better before this builds resentment. I see where you’re coming from: you and Anna agreed on a co-parenting structure, and you want to honor that. You’re trying to keep it clear so your son doesn’t feel confused about parental authority or start feeling like there are too many cooks in the kitchen.
BUT… I also get Leo’s side. He’s not trying to be your son’s dad but he lives in the same house and is helping raise him day-to-day. It’s hard for someone to put in that level of effort cooking, driving, homework…and then be told, “but don’t have an opinion or a say.” That probably makes him feel undervalued or like he’s walking on eggshells in his own home.
The difference between Leo and Jake is that Leo lives with your son. He’s in it, not just visiting or seeing him on weekends. That creates a dynamic that’s bound to be different.
What might help? Instead of shutting down the idea of Leo having any role, maybe talk about what his role could look like that feels respectful to your co-parenting agreement and acknowledges his investment in your family. There’s gotta be a middle ground between “roommate” and “third parent.”
Bottom line: you’re not wrong for wanting to protect your co-parenting plan. But if you don’t give Leo a place where his care and work are respected, this could blow up in ways you don’t want.
YTA. You're telling him off for "heart to hearts"? What the hell? By your logic, your husband should never help your son with homework because your ex's husband doesn't deal with school. If even your other co-parent, Anna, thinks you're being wrong.. then you're wrong.
Edit: I can understand not wanting him to make new rules without your permission. However, even teachers can discipline children to some extent... why can't your child's step dad do that?
YWBTA if you continue to give your husband your parenting duties and don’t consider him a bonus parent. Why is he the one making your son meals, doing homework with him and driving him around? Those are parent duties. Pick a lane. I can see why Leo is confused and frustrated with the situation.
Even a babysitter would be allowed to set boundaries and give punishments. His relationship with your kid does not need to mirror your ex’s new partner. Give him some autonomy. If there’s specific rules or punishments you have a problem with, discuss them individually. But no to everything? YTA.