'Husband is mad at me because I said that his daughter scares me. AITA?' UPDATED
"Husband is mad at me because I said that his daughter scares me. AITA?"
I'm 35f and my husband is 38m. He has one kid from his previous marriage, 6yo girl. His wife died of breast cancer 4 years ago. We got married last year but we only fully moved in together maybe 6 months ago. I generally have a really good relationship with the little girl. I'll call her Emma so it's easier.
So the thing is, I think Emma has some type of separation anxiety? Or something like that. I don't know the terms. And honestly, I think there's more problems that she would need help for.
She is extremely clingy with me and it may sound not so horrible but it really is. I'll give you a better idea of what I mean. I come back from work and she's just kinda waiting for me at the door or outside.
Then after that moment I am not alone for the rest of the day. It wasn't so severe at first but overtime it's just getting worse. I go to toilet and she's standing on the other side of the door, when I'm taking a shower she just either sits in front of the door or begs me to just sit inside the bathroom. It's like??? I don't even know.
I'm sitting on a couch and she's glued next to me. She once peeed herself because she didn't want to move away from me in case the cat come closer to me and take her spot... She used to spend weekends at her grandparent's house but now she doesn't want to go there anymore. She told her grandma that she hopes she deyez so she doesn't have to go to her house. There are just so many things.
I started to lock the door immediately when I get inside a bathroom or bedroom if I want to change or something but, suddenly bathroom door, as well as bedroom door just wouldn't lock.
Then I found out she put needles inside the keyhole so it wouldn't be able to lock. These are some reasons why I think she may need some serious mental help because she is literally 6 years old. Like, why is she acting this way?
I know kids can be weird, but I think she's actually like not okay. About 3 days ago, I went to bed and she was supposed to be in her bed sleeping. As I was about to lay down I thought I saw someone inside a closet and I got so scared. I woke up husband up and it turns out that she was inside a closet. She was gonna sleep there because we didn't let her sleep on our bed.
I told my husband yesterday how I think that he should take her to some therapist, psychiatrist idk literally anyone. Instead of accepting the fact, he quite literally was trying to make it seem like I hate her so I'm trying to say she's crazy. I got so mad that I said everything I wanted.
I told him no other kids like her because of her behaviour, that she doesn't have any friends because she's being creepy, that she's mentally ill and the fact she was hiding in the closet terrified me, what was she doing? Like what will she do later on if, at this age, she thinks that hiding in pitch black in a closet is okay? Stuff like that.
I shouldn't have said it so harshly, but I was very mad because I know that he thinks the same thing but refuses to admit it. It would be better for her to see a doctor because maybe there really is something wrong with her. Basically he is mad at me now. I didn't go home after work today and she called me 34 times in span of 2 hours...
Also, don't get me wrong I don't think that she is a psychopath or something like that. I am not actually scared of her but I'm trying to say that she really really needs to see a doctor.
Since everyone loves to make assumptions here's a little follow up. I told her dad multiple times, in many ways that she might need therapy. I said that she might still miss her mom and many other random reasons.
He quite literally always finds an excuse to not take her to therapy. And for some reason many comments keep saying how her behaviour is normal and how she is grieving (which she is probably), I want to add that her dad seems to be the only person who doesn't notice this.
Her school said that she is extremely aggressive and mean, which is shocking because she isn't anything like that at home. Even her grandparents think this but still her dad won't listen.
It may not sound like it, but I really do love her. But, this behaviour is not okay. She absolutely needs help. If you were a parent and a teacher said your kid jabbed another kid's hand with a pencil, you'd say that it's fine?
Because thats what her dad did. I asked her why did she do that and she said why not? Her dad ignores it all and then when I yelled about it I'm the issue? Literally, I can't take you seriously.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She needs to see a therapist. Poor kid.
Right? It sounds like she's terrified if she lets op out of her sight she will lose her like she lost her mother 😞
Agreed. Every move she's making reads frantic terror. The kid must be exhausted.
NTA. Everyone saying OP is the AH needs to realise that she isn't saying these things to her step daughter and if she were mistreating her or not showing empathy, the kid wouldn't be hanging off her every second of the day.
Also, can we take a moment to imagine how draining it would be to have a constant shadow, not even getting to use the bathroom or change clothes in private. Of course it makes complete sense that the step daughter has separation anxiety because of her mums death, she's worried she's going to lose another mother figure and is on high alert all the time, probably super anxious as well. Poor kid.
She needs therapy and while OP probably didn't say it very eloquently, I imagine she's at her wits end. Her father needs to look at the situation for what it is and get his daughter the help she so badly needs.
You may not have expressed yourself in a healthy or constructive way, but you do have valid concerns. That little girl needs heaps of therapy. Her behavior is worrying and way above your pay grade.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I am not Emma's legal guardian and I can't make any decisions for her so I can't take her to therapy myself. My original post sounded harsh to many people so I made edits to make it sound less harsh, although I didn't realise it was harsh, it's just the way I speak I guess.
I said that Emma was creepy and it made many people mad since she's a kid, although I said that I don't actually think she is scary or creepy, but her actions definitely can be. I see why that sounds bad.
People might not believe it but I really do love her, I really want her to have a normal life and be more like kids her age. This is not okay, I can't continue enabling her behaviour because it's not good for her. In my original post I gave many details about it.
Also, her dad isn't extremely deadbeat like it sounds, but I really don't understand why he is so against therapy. You may think that things I said were too harsh but I don't agree.
Finally, last night when I got back home, Emma and him were in a park. I found a backpack with her clothes at the front door so I thought that they maybe want to leave or something.
When they came back she told me she packed a bag to come with me if I'm going away, so that she can come with me. I told her that I won't leave and that I was just stuck at work so I couldn't answer my phone.
I spent the rest of the night with her, I was telling her that even when I go somewhere it's okay, she doesn't have to worry that I won't come back. I told her she can visit her grandparents if she'd like and its still going to be okay, nobody is leaving anywhere.
She still doesn't want to go to them but I think she's calmer. I also talked to my husband, this time in a better tone. I told him I don't hate Emma and I just want her to feel better. He told me he knows I don't hate her, he's like more open to actually doing something. He's also worried about the pencil situation.
I told him that's alarming and that he absolutely has to do something about it. He told me he will talk to school to maybe find a therapist through school. Although I think that's not so great idea since he would have to wait 20ish days for school to start again. He told me that Emma said that I'm her best friend so I definitely need to not fail her.
I don't know if there were more things to explain. I would like to find out about why she doesn't want to go to grandparents still but I'll find out more from her maybe. That's it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I hope your husband follows through on the therapy soon, because it sounds like she’s been carrying a lot of fear for a long time.
They’re putting an awful lot on you. You can’t leave, you can’t make decisions for her, you’re powerless in this situation. I think you should make it an absolute ultimatum that Emma gets individual counseling and you and your husband go to marital counseling.
It’s hard to navigate the step family life. If he doesn’t follow through immediately you should leave. Stop promising you won’t leave. If Emma’s behavior escalates over the years for whatever reason you need to be prepared to save yourself. I think you should insist on it happening before school. It’s this lackadaisical, do-nothing approach from Emma’s father that is alarming.
“He told me that Emma said that I'm her best friend so I definitely need to not fail her.”
This is unacceptable. He is laying this at your feet.
I’m actually wondering if he’s coached Emma to behave like this with you so you’re saddled with dealing with her. I would think very carefully about whether this is the life you want. He does not sound like a reliable partner to me.
You’re not her best friend. You’re an adult her dad is sleeping with. Once again your partner is dumping the burden of this kids’ emotional regulation on you. A big question, why isn’t she nearly as attached to her last living parent as she is to dad’s new wife?
That alone should tell you how involved he is regarding raising his kid. This is a huge issue with both of them as a family unit OP. It took Emma attacking another child in a public space for him to finally admit that ‘maybe’ something needs to change. He should be stepping up to provide emotional support for his own child, not pawning her off on you as the primary carer.
Still NTA. What your husband said at the end was manipulative. HE is the one failing her. Not you. He needs to get her therapy asap. Have him call his pediatrician and get a referral.
I highly suggest marriage counseling if you want to save this marriage. Tell him if counseling doesn’t happen for her or you guys, you’re done. Stop promising her you won’t leave. That’s unfair to YOU!! He needs to get his head of his rear and be a father. If he can’t do that, you don’t need him as a husband.