'My wife fantasized about another man, AITA for being jealous?' UPDATED
"My wife fantasized about another man, AITA for being jealous?"
Here’s the situation. My wife (38F) and I (39M) are taking the family on a vacation to Orlando this summer and staying at a nice Airbnb with insanely-good themed rooms. One bedroom is Star Wars themed. So last night when we were looking at pictures of it, I was joking around and said we should sleep in that room and role play.
I’d dress up as a Jedi and save her and we’d make love (to be funny of course). She laughed and replied that if I did that then she’d leave and go straight over to Mike M’s house (suggesting she would leave me for a guy she met through work). It took me aback and hurt a little.
For background, my wife is the hottest and sweetest person on the planet. She works in interior decor, and last fall she met a man named Mike M. He is a decent-looking divorced guy about our age who recently sold his company (so he is presumably wealthy).
She did some decor work for him, and while usually she has a team with her, this job was just her on a Saturday and she ended up staying at his place until about 9pm at night.
Apparently he offered her a tour of his fancy house and drinks. She told me afterward that she could tell he was really into her, which she found flattering, and said she fantasized about how everything he had could be hers. She said, “I could have him if I wanted."
For context, we’re not poor. My income is near the top 1% in our state and we live in a newly built 4000 sq foot house on a nice plot of land. Like, we’re doing just fine. When she first told me about her visit to his house, I gave her a little bit of a hard time about it, and she replied claiming that she’s not attracted to him AT ALL and that I have NOTHING to worry about.
The last time she did work for him was like two months ago, so it was surprising when she brought him up. It’s like she has him at the top of her mind as a back-up plan or something. Or at least fantasizes about it? The rational part of my brain understands it to some degree, but the emotional part feels a little jealous and upset.
We’ve been married 10+ years and madly in love with each other. I’d say we’re pretty open in our communication, so maybe this is all a sign that she feels comfortable sharing her inner thoughts with me and I’m just overthinking it.
So what do you think? AITA for feeling annoyed about it? Am I the crazy one?? Do most married people have a crush or someone they fantasize about being with other than their spouse? Because literally I don’t. I’d choose her every time.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Blixburks said:
Whoa. You two need to sit down and discuss this. What she said sounded way too real. It’s ok to say yeah I want a hot Jedi or dragon shape changer or perhaps an elf! But a dude who wants her? Eek.
Ptronski said:
NTA. It's one thing to fantasize about another person while in a relationship. That's normal. What isn't normal is sharing/rubbing your partner's nose in that fantasy.
moistcarboy said:
NTA I'd start finding some hobbies and creating a good life for yourself that is entirely separate from her so it doesn't f you up too badly if and when she decides she wants greener grass. How would she feel about it if the roles were reversed, I'm betting you'd be seen as a heartless insensitive scumbag.
Kekepannia said:
She is telling you who she is and you're not believing her. She is communicating and you're not listening.
Illustrious_Pain392 said:
She's actively thinking about this man while sitting in front of you. if you want to save your marriage, tell her to shut it down or you will. the fact that shes saying she could have him if she wanted to your face is levels of disrespect I wouldn't tolerate. you can straight up tell her if she fancies him soo much, she can pack her sh$t and go.
I ain't about to live with a woman who spends my money and has sexual fantasies about another man. then also tell her, you can also go out and find a hotter and younger model who will probably be twice as loving as she is. watch her face turn into a pale ghost.
Play the same game as she does with her. shes being manipulative. do not tolerate this disrespect from your own wife who you claim to love and would choose over everyone.
dracobatman said:
My guy, I'm sorry, but I don't know if she is actually still telling you the full truth. Getting defensive would not be her saying that the past 10 years mean nothing and that your insecurities are too much to handle at the moment. She very clearly manipulated you and told you that to put you into a mental state where you would say/do no wrong to her.
My ex gf did the same shit to me when I asked why she took a male friend out for a haircut when she would refuse to go with me. Ik it's small and trivial, but it DOESNT make sense! She later left me for said "friend" after I got back from a trip that was to see my family in another state.
The simple fact is that she would have simply assured you peacefully and honestly if she cared you were hurt by her words. She instead got upset you would dare accuse her of something and then switched to attacking you personally in the conversation.
She is getting defensive that you may find something or that there is some thought in her head. Normal happy couples don't have one of them saying that they could have anyone they wanted, while being committed to the other.
avast2006 said:
NTA - that was mean of her. She wasn’t even fantasizing about some movie star who played a Jedi. She was fantasizing about someone she knows. And that she would straight up leave your bed for him. What a slap in the face that was. Yeah there would be an argument.
UPDATE:
I spoke with my wife today, and asked to clarify what she meant last night. I told her it was a bit hurtful and I needed to talk about it. She was defensive, saying that I don’t trust her and think the worst of her. Like, do these past 10+ years not mean anything? It turned into a little bit of a fight.
She said that the running to Mike comment was just a joke and then listed some reasons why she’s not actually interested in him. She said she brought him up to tease me, not hurt me. She then said she can’t handle my insane insecurities and was giving up trying to prove herself to me. Anyway, I guess feel better after talking with her. We’re on better terms for now.