'My husband keeps ruining my birthday. How do I tell him without starting a fight?' AITA? UPDATED
"My husband keeps ruining my birthday. How do I tell him without starting a fight?"
It is my (41f) birthday. Today. My husband (49m) of 19 years can be an AH, I don’t need anyone to tell me that. His terrible behavior is few and far between though, most of the time we get along, love each other, intimacy is great and fairly frequent, he is very unselfish in bed, cleans up around the house, ready to jump in and do whatever needs to get done with the kids.
Generally a good husband with some bad qualities. The problem arises when we try to resolve conflict and he is extremely defensive to the point it’s aggressive. Hence my post.
Last year on my birthday, I didn’t “tell him clearly enough” what I wanted him to do while we planned the evening, he ended up snapping at me then refusing to speak to me, and I ended up crying-driving myself and our kids to the trampoline park. (That’s where I wanted to go. I love it:) He doesn’t.)
This year I was clear- I said I wanted to do the pool or another type adventure park by us, think Dave and Busters but also with a zip line. He said oh no, don’t plan anything, he has a surprise!
While I was out running a quick errand with my daughter today, he told me to come home because the surprise was almost there. It was that he invited my mother over for the day.
My mother and I aren’t close. She is emotionally cold and distant to the point she can be rude to me, and he knows our relationship is unfulfilling at best and disappointing at worst.
She will sometimes just pretend I’m not speaking and start talking to someone else while I am mid sentence. We don’t spend time together, and my husband doesn’t particularly like her either.
And so far he has spent the day giving us 20 minutes at the table having cake, then he went in our hot tub- alone- now he’s downstairs playing some video games. I am stuck here with my mom who will probably stay until bedtime. I feel like my day is ruined again, I’m seething mad.
In all fairness to him, he bought me flowers and several pieces of coach jewelry, even though I don’t wear jewelry which he knows. I feel like he threw money at it, invited my mom to babysit me, so now he can do what he wants.
How do I bring this up without causing a raging argument? I feel angry and overlooked, I feel like I was “handled” and then bailed on. Please give me some blueprint for how to handle this.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
We spoke about it today. It began with some awful defensiveness but calmed down after a few minutes to regroup. His answer to me was that in mentioning to him how good my mom was doing in her grieving process, he interpreted that to mean my relationship with her was doing good.
He actually invited my sister and BIL who couldn’t make it at the last minute (she is late in pregnancy and has frequent migraines now), it wasn’t just my mom. Which makes way more sense to me. I told him I was disappointed, he asked if I wanted to go out Friday to a movie and dinner.
I said no, I want to do waterpark. So he agreed, he’s presently on the website to buy tickets. I also wanted to address a few of the comments, suggesting that getting along isn’t being happy, and it’s possible I phrased it wrong.
We actually have a good time together, it isn’t just non-argumentative, it is good. Like he rubs my back and picks up my prescriptions and notices when I’m stressed and asks if I need an afternoon out.
We are horrible at conflict resolution, that’s it. I make his appointments and light the fireplace and make dinner so it’s welcoming when he walks in the door. I am aware that I’m the partner who cares more, it is what it is. He’s presently watching cartoons and painting our daughter’s nails.
My romantic fulfillment isn’t the only thing at play here, and it also isn’t an un-solvable problem. I appreciate all the responses. Thank you for taking the time to offer support, suggestions, and your own experiences. They were heartfelt and personal, and I don’t take any of that lightly.
Eleven months later, the OP returned with another update.
I’m about to turn 42 so time for an update. This past year we got to a point of no return that forced us into counseling. It has been…nothing like I thought it would be. The program itself requires you to “stay in your circle”, which means you can only answer the questions in the material about yourself, like your habits, and your beliefs.
Like I explained before, my religious faith prioritizes faithfulness, humility and self denial in marriage, but as that turns out codependency is not a sacrificial value it’s just being a self aggrandizing martyr and stepping over all the other boundaries the God sets for married couples. My biblical advice would be to not.
Forgiveness and patience are good, but being a doormat who is allowing sin in your home is not. His progress has run parallel to mine. Recognizing destructive and abusive patterns, and that those were his problems to solve and not mine by what I did or said.
It didn’t matter if I said something benign that triggered his PTSD or smashed his windshield with a baseball bat, his response was still his own responsibility, and a perceived attack or even a real one didn’t give him the right to hurt me (not physically, but still very real) with his temper.
I reread a lot of these comments, and some had made some wild assumptions and some hit the nail on the head. He was selfish on certain issues and I had not the self esteem nor the courage to speak up on those matters.
So here we are, a month shy of a year later and done the hard things. Still doing the hard things, which is being honest about ourselves TO ourselves, to God, our tribe and each other. It’s unfamiliar territory. I feel incredibly vulnerable. But I don’t want my girls to grow up and repeat this, and I have an obligation to show them that people can do better if they want.
He apologized to our daughters the other day for how he behaved in front of them. Then to our son. But first and foremost to me. We’re planning a trip for my birthday. Without my mother lol.
I guess after all is said and done, you know your partner. I knew he could change, I knew he wasn’t playing a role but that he WANTED to be more, and just lacked the skills. I knew I SHOULD change, but I felt I couldn’t and it was all on him to be better, so it would be easier for me to be codependent and anxious.
If you know your partner has the character and commitment to change, he can. If you think the problems have nothing to do with you, you’re wrong- even if you’re just allowing them to continue. Forgiveness without accountability is really just permission to do it again. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and respond. Blessings to all.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
That, my dear stranger, it total BS. That’s not a birthday, that’s punishment with a consolation prize. May I suggest that you plan your own birthday celebrations going forward. He should not contribute anything…at all. Happy Birthday and sorry.
Accurate-Swimmer-326 (OP)
Thank you. I tried to plan it, that’s when I was told not to because of said “surprise.” I guess I need to plan it earlier and more forcefully.
Next time tell him “No. I will plan my B-Days.” He 100% knew he screwed you over and bailed on you. He chose this. You told him what you wanted and he decided to do something miserable and bail on you. Does he even love you? Are there other issues?
Accurate-Swimmer-326 (OP)
I’m not sure. I think he wants to love me, being a family guy is important to him after having no dad in his life growing up. Does he love me? Idk. We get along well 99 percent of the time, but I don’t force this issue anymore. His work keeps him away a lot of the time so I live in a sweet little bubble with my kids. I’m close with them, even the teens. I try to let them and my religious faith meet all my needs. That’s difficult when I feel actively hurt.
Maybe just a “as you well know my mother is not a birthday gift so tomorrow (or whatever day you pick) will be my do over.” Adventure park for sure.
Accurate-Swimmer-326 (OP)
Right?? The adventure park is a freaking dream come true, I’m about to buy tickets right now.