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'AITA if I ask my husband to leave his credit cards with me when he goes out?' UPDATED

'AITA if I ask my husband to leave his credit cards with me when he goes out?' UPDATED

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"WIBTA if I asked my husband to leave all of his bank cards with me?"

Background: my husband and I are in recovery - both alcoholics and drug addicts. I've been sober/clean for 10 out of the last 11 years, and he has been sober/clean for *most* of the last 6 years. 3 years ago, after being sober for quite some time, he had to go out-of-town for a work conference.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible feeling, check banking information and it turns out he had splurged over $900 at a strip club (hence I knew he fell off the wagon). We were to be married 3 months from them, we had just moved to a new city together, and he came back super remorseful and promised he'd never do it again.

To his credit, he didn't pick up another drink/drug...until the next year. Flash forward to one year from that date and he's off to the same conference, this time begging me to trust him and saying that he's "learned his lesson." I was 4 months pregnant at the time and was hoping for the best. Guess what? He did it again.

Only this time, he spent over $1,200.00 at a strip club and he attempted to contact an acquaintance of ours in this city who is a sex worker. She did not respond, but he tried to. Of course I was *devastated*. He did the same song and dance- came home, cleaned up, we went to counseling, and he did not drink again after that incident.

Last year the conference was in our home state, so he just went to the classes during the day and straight home at night. In two weeks, he will be heading out of town to this same conference. So, reddit- WIBTA if I asked him to leave all of his bank cards here with me and just take enough cash to cover his dinner that night?

I understand that there are people out there who will think I'm being a controlling wife, and "why won't I let my husband have some fun with his male coworkers?" But this is a huge issue for us, as I'm of course afraid it will trigger a long(er) relapse, and also -to me - this is the equivalent of cheating.

I do not think this would be too much to ask, but I feel like he will get all bent out of shape about it. I know that I cannot control him, but it would certainly give me some peace of mind, and he swears up and down it will not happen again, but he's said that before.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

"I understand that there are people out there who will think I'm being a controlling wife, and 'why won't I let my husband have some fun with his male coworkers?'"

And those people would be morons.

Your husband isn't a bad person, but he's an addict with a history of relapse on this specific trip. It's entirely reasonable for both his sobriety and your financial wellbeing that he adheres to some sensible restrictions - I think this is entirely reasonable. NAH, but he's an a$$hole if he protests. "Fool me once..." etc.

[deleted] said:

I took a look at your post history and I remember your other post about your husband and the gym. It stuck in my memory because of how appallingly selfish his behavior was. Let me ask you this question: Would your life be easier or harder without him in it?

That's a question only you can answer, but I urge you to think honestly about it. From your two accounts of his behavior, it sounds like you are essentially a single mom, he is manipulative and cruel when you beg for him to help with his own child, he lies to you,

he is not committed to sobriety, he spends thousands of dollars at strip clubs behind your back (which means he's doing more than just stuffing bills in g-strings), and he has actively tried to cheat on you with a sex worker (and that is the attempt you know of). This is an exhausting list to type out, I can't imagine how exhausting it is to live it.

I think that you should seriously consider a therapist for yourself if you do not have one, because reading this feels like you're in the toxic fog right now and you need an opportunity to get your head clear so you can see your marriage and husband for what they are and decide whether it is the best thing for you and your children. Good luck, and NTA.

bmoreskyandsea said:

NTA. I'm surprised that going to the conference is even on the table given the history and triggers. That's a huge red flag and his sobriety may not be what it seems when he is home either...

And it is cheating. And it's a pattern of cheating. I'd also caution that someone whom you are thinking about taking their bank cards as a way to prevent cheating may be someone that you think about leaving...

Throwawayyyyyyy---jk said:

No judgement on my part in this particular case, but taking into consideration that you were on this sub a couple of months ago asking about his a$$hole behaviour of abandoning you and your infant by going to the gym all the time and that you just lost your other baby (i'm so, so sorry for your loss. That's just awful) I think you need a lot more support than anyone on reddit could possibly give you.

Go to meetings, find a councillor, maybe a women's support group in your area... (feel free to DM me if you want). This is not going to go away. He is not going to change. He is gaslighting you into thinking you're 'nagging' or difficult or paranoid or whatever. (trust me, i've been there). Please don't doubt your instincts, you know what's up. I wish you all the love and strength and courage for whatever you decide.

Commenters overwhelmingly agreed: NTA. And many pointed out that his behavior raises a ton of red flags.

After confronting her husband, OP shared these updates:

Just spoke to him about this. He refused to let me come and "babysit" him, and that if we can't spend a night apart our marriage is in shambles, and we should just call it quits. I asked then if he'd rather get divorced than let me tag along, and he said no- he doesn't want to get divorced, but our marriage would be a shame if I had to do this.

I then asked if he'd be willing to leave all of his credit cards, etc. at home with me, and he said "that's fine." I just need my company card and a little bit of cash for food and that he has no intention of drinking/using/etc.

She later shared this second update:

I tried bringing it up again last night before bed, because I was still so upset he was adamant about me not going with him. He ended up getting super furious, claiming he is "FINE" and I need to worry about myself and stop trying to "control" him.

He ended up throwing his pillows across the room, then started packing a suitcase saying "I just can't do this anymore, we're DONE!" He calmed down and stayed after a long, loud tantrum. I should have just let him leave, I know that. But I was scared of what he would do. I get that it isn't up to me to keep him safe. It looks like I need to look into divorce lawyers or at the very least a couples counselor.

And then, she shared this final update:

He left his credit cards at home and allowed me to track his phone while he was away. He did not relapse on his trip. There are no words to tell you how relieved I am.

Sources: Reddit
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