Husband’s privacy invasion sparks repeated arguments and disrespectful separation.
"AITA husband leaves me alone with kids all day and comes home mad that I don't want to 'fix' things or that I didn't ask him to stay when he said he was leaving."
Tasty_Sherbet2375
My husband asked for my password to my new iPad while I was at work, and I gave it to him. We have had problems in the past of him invading my privacy, monitoring my phone calls/texts/making unnecessary accusations like 'why was I staring at that dude?' etc.
He said he wanted my password to check out my iPad to see if it might be something he would like to purchase for himself. I didn't believe him but gave him the password anyway because I didn't want to deal with "what are you hiding" type questions.
I get home and ask if he liked it. He said yeah and that he just got on there a couple minutes but didn't want to go through my stuff so didn't click around too much. Fine. So I get the iPad and look at the Screen Time and he was in the Messages app every hour for 4+ hours until I came home.
So my iMessages were coming across to my iPad. So I'm on my iPad for about 30 minutes messing around with it and fixing some of my settings. I asked him why he was into my messages all afternoon and I didn't appreciate him going through my stuff.
Then and only then did he mention that my iPad was going off every time I got a text from him and no one else. He is set up as an Emergency contact and set up so I get notifications from his texts even if device is on silent.
We argued for a little while about this. I am used to YEARS of getting questions about my every movement even though I have never done anything close to cheating on him, just for some context.
So then I am late getting the kids (4 and 1) to bed. (I put both of them to bed, separately, by myself, every single night.) He was angry that I got them to bed late, and didn't have much time left to spend with him afterward because we were both tired.
(Note: He got home from work at around 1pm, and I got off work at 4, drove an hour back to pick up the kids from my mom, who picked them up from daycare, and did not get home with the kids until 7pm).
Anyway, he went to bed angry -didnt even say goodnight. Which normally wouldn't bother me except he got onto me the night before for not saying goodnight to him even though he was already asleep and snoring by the time I went to sleep.
So next morning he wakes me up complaining further about how I shouldn't have been on my iPad wasting time and maybe I would have gotten the kids to bed sooner and had enough time for him the night before. Started a whole argument.
I asked him (as I usually do) not to argue in front of the kids, while I was trying to feed them breakfast. He wouldn't stop. Finally I pulled out my phone to record him because he likes to gaslight me and say he never said this or that and also it keeps me sane if I start thinking I'm over reacting.
He said if I didn't stop recording him he was going to leave. I told him do what he wants. And he was like, "You aren't even going to ask me to stay or care that I'm leaving???" Kept at it. He finally left.
I took care of the kids by myself. 4 yo is sick with fever. He finally came home in time to take a shower and eat lunch before our kids nap time. During this time I took our 4yo to the clinic to be seen and picked up his prescriptions.
After nap, he starts in on how I need to resolve this and work on what needs to be done to stop the fight. But kept arguing about the damn iPad and who did this or that. I told him if he wanted the kids in bed sooner he could have changed a diaper and got them into pj's while I was "wasting" time. Heaven forbid I get 30 minutes to myself.
Anyway he kept going on and on ranting and talking down to me. I pulled out the recorder again. He demanded over and over and over to turn it off. I told him no (our state is a one party consent state).
And we almost divorced years ago and at that time my lawyer had advised me to record whenever possible. So anyway he left AGAIN. This time for nearly 4 hours and conveniently missed dinner and everything with the kids.
Also threatened to not come home tonight if I didn't fix things..via text. I responded that maybe some time apart would be good. Then he sends several degrading messages in a row. No surprise- he came home just in time to tell the kids goodnight.
Asked to talk about this after they were asleep. I told him I was taking the night for myself since I was tired from caring for the kids alone all day. He responds with a sarcastic "priorities." AITA???
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
atbftivnbfi
Why are you in a marriage where you come home from work, do all the childcare, and get spied on and yelled at incessantly? How is this ok with you?
ladymorgana01
You really should have followed thru on the divorce years ago but the 2nd best time is now. None of your husband's treatment of you is acceptable. Is this the relationship example you want to model for your kids?
ProperMagician7405
Ye gods! What did I just read?? Of course you're NTA!!! WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS MAN??!?!?!!!? He's a ticking time bomb. He's already abusing you mentally, controlling your communication, gaslighting you. As well as being a truly terrible dad.
How long before this abuse gets worse? Maybe gets physical? How long before he starts on the kids too? You need to get yourself and your kids out of this toxic environment ASAP.
Maine302
It's exhausting just reading about what a tool your husband is. No, you're NTA.
introspectiveliar
You are NTA. Your husband sounds like a piece of work. But You already know that. Reddit can validate your feelings all day long. But we can’t kick him out the door. Only you can do that.