Husband takes libido decreaser medicine in secret; wife finds out and flips out. AITA?
When this man is shamed by his wife for taking a libido-related medicine behind her back, she asks Reddit:
"AITAH for continuing to purposefully take a libido decreaser now that my wife has changed her mind?"
My (39M) wife(40F) and I have been married 15 years. Had a fantastic sex life for 8-10yrs, but then we got busy with kids and employment and things sort of fizzled out to maybe once every 6-8 weeks.
My sex drive isn’t crazy high but I’ll be honest, 6-8 weeks was killing me. I felt like the list of things that had to be checked off on my wife’s list to “get things going” was impossible to fulfill. I feel like the list would go on and on as new excuses and reasons were added on why she just wasn’t down for anything.
I was by far the only initiator for the last few years and would get turned down 9 times out of 10. I work and my wife stays home with the kiddos which works well for us.
I attempted discussions with her about the situation and asked what else she needed from me, how we could spice things up,what we could do to increase our romance and Intimacy etc.
The answer was always just that she never really thought about sex anymore and wasn’t all that interested.
I know it’s not my place to pressure her into things she’s not comfortable with so after YEARS of this I eventually started to “take care of myself” and she found out one day and flipped out about it.
We had a conversation and she requested I didn’t do that. I’m real non-confrontational so I agreed, albeit made me frustrated and mildly depressed that we couldn’t come to a middle ground.
To make matters worse, I had different women at work come onto me very strongly in the middle of all this. I would never cheat but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t tempt me for a moment in my frustration.
Eventually I knew I needed to do something drastic to keep my marriage strong and I got with my doc and started taking a medicine that decreases my libido significantly. I’ll be honest…it’s been VERY freeing.
Now I hardly ever think about sex. My wife however is angry that I’m not physically coming after her and attempting to initiate etc like I did before. She asked me to stop taking it and I flat out refused.
I LOVE that I don’t feel negative about the situation anymore because it doesn’t preoccupy my mind like it did before. I honestly don’t ever want it to go back to how it was before. Am I being an A-hole by sticking with it?
Edit: For clarification we did go to couples therapy with someone that specializes in intimacy prior to me choosing to get with my doc. I felt like I was out of options.
Let's see what readers thought. They had VERY different opinions.
necessaryfuture writes:
Wow you are pretty freaking amazingly and selfless as a man. No shade at all from me for your wife though either. There is something about being touched all day as a stay at home mom that just kills your sex drive and it’s so hard to get it back. It’s amazing you did this for yourself and for her.
She’s definitely dealing with some insecurity issues because but I think you could work that out with some communicating. I hope one day yall can get back to it in a loving and supportive way when you’re both healthy and able again.
thisstupidname writes:
NTA She’s doesn’t want to have sex with you, but wants you living in misery wanting sex and chasing her around like a horny teenager to help her self esteem? I’m assuming that’s her reasoning.
You could always take coming onto her once in a while knowing she’ll be too busy or tired. She feels good and you keep taking your meds so you don’t mind the rejection you know is coming.
candycryto writes:
YTA for allowing your wife to refuse you the pleasure of taking care of yourself. She shouldn't shut you down like that if she refuses to help. Sounds like she has deeper issues that are not being discussed.
How the hell is she going to ask you to constantly tease and make her feel desired when shes not doing anything for you. Also, NTA but you do need to stand up for yourself more.
punintended123 writes:
OP, if I'm being honest, I think your wife is cheating on you! I think she has compartmentalized her actions and developed a system that worked for her with someone else.
Women who do this often push their husbands away out of guilt. The fact that she didn't want you to take care of yourself, even though she didn't want to be with you, is very revealing.
That's a sign of control. You have already gone to marriage counseling and you want to remain a faithful man. Now you have taken the drastic step of turning to drugs to suppress your sex-drive.
Life is too short. If I were you, I would set up cameras to figure out just what is going on. Or, if your kids are on their way out of the home, I would get your wife back to work, so she has an income, and then prepare for a divorce.
Life is too short to go on like this without having sex and being forced to take drugs just to stay in a marriage where your partner isn't doing all they can to make things better! There's a better life out there with someone who will match your drive and energy.
royalacademy writes:
This post makes me so sad. This is emotional abuse. I’m a woman I’ve been with my partner over 8 years I would NEVER not let him masturbate. We both love to and it’s healthy af!! If we are having sex less or our libidos aren’t matching at times we talk about it and try things til we’re back on track.
Sex is one of if not the most important aspects of a romantic relationship. Not letting your partner masturbate is straight up emotional and psychological abuse. And you’re on an antidepressant you don’t need to be on for this person? AND she doesn’t work?
Please find some external support for yourself and get out if you can find the strength to. I hope your find someone who blows your mind for the rest of your life too lol.
cinadusperfv writes:
NTA. You guys should have gone to relationship therapy years ago. It's not healthy for your relationship to have such different sex drives, and it certainly isn't normal for her to forbid you from masturbating.
Your post isn't enough to tell whether your wife is playing mind games, suffering from some mental issue or has problems with the way your relationship grew to be. In any case, if you want any chance at betterment, you need professional help.
If I were in your position, I would make getting therapy a condition before even considering stopping with the pills. If she refuses, I would certainly consider quitting the pills - and her.
boohoo writes:
NTA. If she insists on you stop taking it, ask her if she will step up and meet you halfway.
there is something wrong about wanting you to stop taking the drug just so you will chase after her but she wont even try reciprocating. she either chooses to participate or not. cant go wishy washy.
please be aware though that this drug might have long term effects on your body. no drug is 100% safe. it could work same with the contraceptive depo-provera where it resulted in some women not being able to conceive.
tarzan8 writes:
YTA to yourself. Your wife is abusive. She is actively denying you sex on purpose as a form of control. You need to exit this relationship asap. She won't change otherwise.
You have seen a couples therapist and it obviously didn't make a difference to her. There is no reason why you should be happy about staying in an abusive, dead bedroom relationship. Please stiffen up your spine and stand up for yourself.