'WIBTA if I tell my husband being a Mama’s Boy isn’t a good thing?'
"WIBTA if I tell my husband being a Mama’s Boy isn’t a good thing?"
dizzylizzy1456
I (37f) just bought a house. For legal reasons, it’s only in my name. Last week, my husband (43m) and I took his mom (70f) to see the house. We had invited her to come along because my husband had to take one of his toolboxes from his parents house to the new house and figured why not.
On the way from the house to lunch, his mom mentioned that my husband was always a Mama’s boy and my husband had agreed. They both seemed very proud of that. It just really put me off.
I didn’t say anything then because I didn’t want to stir the pot. This has really been bugging me to no end because in my head, being a mama’s boy isn’t a good thing if you are grown, married, and have your own kids. WIBTA if I said something?
ETA: She’ll sometimes look to overstep and has a history of trying to talk in his ear about something she doesn’t like, such as not getting our son baptized. My husband will not say anything because he doesn’t like being in the middle.
Or, he will agree to something just to keep the peace. If it’s something I said I don’t like he’ll then side with me. A few times he has stood up for me when his mom was wrong on something.
Edit 2: Definitely not the daddy’s girl type like some are saying because that puts me off too. I’m not jealous of her by any means, it’s just the few occasions that she did overstep that I have a problem with.
Especially when she occasionally still does them to this day. We had plenty of discussions early on about his mom overstepping and my husband isn’t perfect, but he has become better.
Thanks everyone for the input.
IF I do say something, I’ll be careful how I say it.
Edit 3: I don’t think she’s a horrible person at all. Sometimes she doesn’t see the American societal norms because she’s from Poland and then there’s me who looks too much into something.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Logical_Parameters
My mother met with an accidental fate when I was 7 years old. If you're looking for an anti Momma's Boy perspective -- as in a person who grew up learning to do everything pretty much for themselves -- look no further.
Any middle aged, grown man whose mother remains a heavy influence in their life (influence being the key word) is a Momma's Boy to my POV.
Enough-Radish-4973
37 years old and using the term "ick"... He should be on here posting about you...
consolelog_a11y
YWBTA. I guess being grown and married as a man means you can't be fond of your mom anymore? Better go call my mom and break the news to her. Being a "Mama's Boy" has nothing to do with his relationship with you or his ability to be an adult.
It just means having a better-than-average relationship with one's mom and even considering her a friend in adulthood. There's nothing wrong with it. I'd consider myself a mama's boy and would definitely throw hands for her.
I'm closer with her than I am my dad. This has never negatively impacted the relationship I have with others, including my wife, in the slightest. I have plenty of friends I'd deem "mama's boys" also and as far as I know, they're thriving despite what you seem to deem as a character flaw.
As with anything, nothing is healthy in excess. If he was only siding with his mom over you, ignoring his familial responsibilities to cater to him mom, unwilling to stand up to her, or anything that generally negatively impacted his capabilities of maintaining a healthy adult life, then sure, it would be a bad thing.
But as you haven't laid any of that out, all I can assume is you think it's bad just because you think it's "weird" which just seems like a flaw in your perception. Makes you come off a bit ignorant, IMO.
ArtisticKrab
YWBTA.
His relationship with his mother doesn't sound unhealthy or unusual. You seem to not understand parental affection.
Miserable_Dentist_70
YWBTA if you "said something" about a comment. If his behavior is problematic that's a different situation, but your post only mentions a comment. Being a mama's boy just means you're close to your mom. If you find that to be a problem I hope you don't ever have children.
Caramel9941
Ywbta-the way you described the comment sounds as if it was a sentimental comment, and you are embarrassed by it. “Mama’s boy” has definitely been used as an insult enough that it’s in your head that way, but that doesn’t mean it applies that way universally.
Your edit says that he sometimes sides with you, other times gives in or is neutral. That sounds kind of normal-you aren’t always in the right and neither is he-that’s life!
I don’t think you need to tell him he’s whatever you equate mamas boy with, but think it over—what are you wanting him to know? That he can’t consider himself a mamas boy and be a husband you are proud of? Why is that?
What limitations has he put on you in a similar fashion? Is it the label of mamas boy or the relationship with his mom that bothers you? Why is that? Lots of room for thought here. I think you’ll hurt a lot of feelings if you speak up without thinking all those things over.
omelettecat
I think the term mamas boy is subjective and it sounds like you and your husband view it differently. What exactly does it mean to you? What exactly does it mean to him? Has any behaviors of his leading up to this made you feel the “ick” more strongly?
Such as running to her for everything or favoring her in fights. It sounds like he just doesn’t like confrontation and has a close relationship with her. If you bring it up at all, I’d just start by asking him what exactly he means by it just in a casual way.
Sad_Construction_668
I absolutely understand the ick of having a partner who feels like they have more loyalty to a parent than to you, it’s a crappy place to be if theres stress on the relationship. The extension of that thought is that looking at behavior, his loyalty may be ambiguous. Siding with you sometimes, but exhibiting conflict avoidance others, can be a frustrating dynamic.
That being said, YWBTA if you just brought up the use of the term, Mama’s boy. It should be brought up in context of behavior that demonstrates his loyalty ambiguity. Even then, the focus should be on his actions, and any costs he bore, or asked you to bear, in order to show primary loyalty to his mom.
I get the feeling from Your post tht there may be less of a specific issue though, and more of a general discomfort around being more closely enmeshed with your husband’s family. That’s a difference in family system dynamics that you’ll have to negotiate on its own merits with your husband, and not bring his relationship with his mom into the center of that discussion.