'AITA for telling my husband he has to come straight home after work to help with the kids?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband that he has to come straight home after work to help with the kids?"
My 35f husband 38m gets off of work at 8 PM. It takes about 15 minutes to get home. Every single night, he gets home between 830 and 9 o’clock. I’ve noticed that he goes to the grocery store almost every night and a lot of times it’s for things like lotion or dog food that we really don’t need because we will already have dog food at home.
He also says that he likes to decompress in his car listening to music and playing a game on his phone for like 10 or 15 minutes. We have three kids, one of them is an infant and I could really use his help at home. Around this time, I’m trying to get the baby to bed, trying to get the older kids to shower and finish homework.
And when he comes home this close to nine, he barely gets to see the kids and he doesn’t eat dinner with any of us because we have already eaten. I’ve offered a compromise, asking him if he could just do this decompression like a couple nights a week or if he could come straight home and decompress after the kids are in bed like I have to.
He told me that if he comes straight home that he’s going to need 30 to 60 minutes of decompression time and then he’s going to go to bed, basically saying that he will not spend any time with me. He’s telling me that I can’t compromise because I want him to come straight home and that I’m telling him that he’s a bad parent and a bad husband because he’s choosing to not spend this time with his family.
He also likes to take one or two hours every single day off so that he can drive around and listen to music and play a video game on his phone. I understand wanting time to yourself, but every single day? Especially when it’s making your wife’s life more stressful? AITA with my request?
He told me that his therapist said that individuals need time to themselves, but I think that this amount of time is selfish and it’s making things more stressful for me.
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
dart1126 said:
NTA. He can’t tell you that you’re unwilling to comprise when you asked him just please don’t do this Every.Single. Day. Yes we ALL need ME time. But he seems to only care about HIM, not you, or his family. What does YOUR therapist say about that?
OP responded:
I haven’t spoke to my therapist about it yet. That’s Monday
[deleted] said:
NTA. I would be on his side if he was literally just taking 15 minutes a day, was fully engaged with the family while home and made sure you got free time too. But coming home late PLUS driving around randomly up to 2 hours a day? That’s IS being a bad parent and a bad husband.
OP responded:
It’s 1 to 2 hours driving around on his own on his days off. And then every day after work getting home between 830 and 845 when he gets off between 750 and 8 o’clock. I’ve even asked him if he can decompress after the kids go to bed, like I do because this is a very stressful. Of the day when I’m trying to get everybody ready for bed.
mfruitfly said:
Tell him that if he wants 1-2 hours of "decompression" time each day, then you also deserve the same amount of time, and so the compromise is working out a schedule so you each get the same amount of alone time.
NTA at all- he is taking 1-2 hours a day to drive around and an extra 30 minutes or longer to come home each night. You are doing a full time job taking care of the kids, he is working a full time job, which means that the time he is off work needs to be split up so you each get a break.
OP responded:
Honestly I don’t want to spend that much time away from my baby and I am bothered that he does. Especially when he works outside of the house and doesn’t see her nearly as much as I do. I see her 24 seven and I still don’t wanna spend that much time away from her.
MochaJ95 said:
Posts like these make me so happy I don't have kids. NTA.
She later shared this update:
He says if he decompresses after the kids go to bed that he needs to get back in the car and go back out to drive around…. I asked point blank if he was cheating or drinking and… He accused me of only wanting to be with him for financial stability (I also worked until 5 months ago) and said he wants a divorce. Also found out he often closes 10-20 minutes early, but he never gets home any earlier…
4 days later OP shares a new post, "I think my husband is talking to someone else."
I’m curious, can you guys give me the red flags from your experiences? I know something is up in my gut, but it drives me crazy to not know.
Husband told me this morning that it is boundaries because we have any kind of each other in the past when we were fighting. But that does not add up to me because I did not delete him on Instagram.
He deleted it when he got caught lying and then re-made it a few months later without telling me. We used to share locations, especially because I walk alone a lot in the woods. He does not want to do that anymore because during fights we have both turned it off.
He refuses to be open about his phone because he says he doesn’t want to be with somebody who goes through his phone. We used to be open about it in the past we used to share passwords. He’s telling me he’s not being secretive, he says these are boundaries
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Get a burner phone, set up a Google account, turn the location on, hide the phone in the car and watch where he goes real time on Google maps from home.
manbearpig0123 OP:
My mind has gone in that direction, but I feel crazy for considering it. But he’s also just making me feel crazy
Also I just read your other comments. It seems like you know but don't want to do anything to find out. Good luck.
I’ve gone through the phone bill, I’ve gone through the word computer, I’ve checked the work camera, I have gone through email. I Went on his Facebook, I wasn’t able to get on his Instagram and I haven’t been able to get on his phone, I haven’t been able to get on his Apple Watch.
have definitely tried, but there are areas that I ran into Roadblocks. I have been hesitant to do some thing like following or recording because I feel like I am being crazy