'My husband is on a cruise for Christmas with his mom. He didn’t invite me and our kids. AITA?'
"My husband is on a cruise for Christmas with his mom. He didn’t invite me and our kids. AITA?"
So my (33F) husband (33M) lost his younger and only sibling unexpectedly last year a couple months before Christmas. He also lost his dad unexpectedly and traumatically 5 years prior. The holidays have been extremely hard for him the past several years because of that.
We went through a rough patch after his dad passed and then started going through another rough patch after his sister’s passing, in which he takes all his depression and anger out on me and leaves me and our kids for a few weeks.
Well during the separation this time around (in September of this year), he and his mom booked a cruise for the week of Christmas since I guess he assumed I would want the kids with me on Christmas.
We got back together after a two week separation (that I never wanted, I knew we could work it out and that is was his depression). He informed me of the cruise and said he couldn’t cancel it because at that point the cruise was less than 90 days away and they would lose the money if they did.
I first said that I would find a way financially and to get me and the kids a room (his mom is paying his way) and he at first lied and said it was sold out. I looked and saw there were actually rooms left, but there was no way we could afford for me and the kids.
I’m trying to be understanding and kind about it because I understand his and his mom’s reasoning for not wanting to stay home and celebrate Christmas. It’s the lack of consideration for me and our kids that really bothers me. AITA?
Editing to add: He and my MIL have both apologized about going, and my husband has said he wants to start planning a trip for us in the coming months. I haven’t let him know that I’m upset, I’ve encouraged him to go. But now that it’s the week of Christmas and he’s gone it is bothering me a lot.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He never intended to spend any part of Christmas with his children, and that alone makes him TA. You are NTA. At some point he has to figure out how to grieve without taking it out on his wife and children. Leaving every time is not the answer.
He and his mom booked a cruise for the week of Christmas since I guess he assumed I would want the kids with me on Christmas. Translation = "I assumed I could ditch the kids for Christmas." He doesn't want to spend time with OP or with his children. How much louder does he have to shout it before she hears?
NTA. Lying about the rooms being sold out is shady.
Sounds like you’re not the most important woman in his life.
NTA. This isn't the behavior of a man who wants to be married. Lying to you + making holiday plans with his mom without discussing it with you (or taking you OR the kids into consideration) is a AH move.
Ever heard the phrase "He's just not that into you?" That's all I kept thinking when I read this, maybe you should try looking at this from the outside. If your friend told you her partner was angry and abusive with her and her kids and booked a trip away from her and intentionally excluded her then lied when she tried to come, what advice would you give the friend?
Bro is playing his cards like a magician and you're just dancing to his tune in complete oblivion. Homie, if he wanted to be with you and his children in Christmas, he would be. Stop making excuses for him.
Losing family is a reason to pull your loved ones closer, not leave your family at home on xmas while you go on a cruise with your mom loooooololol. Man, he's got you whipped.
Nothing to really say right now, YTA for showing your kids what a human doormat looks like and letting them think this is how normal people behave in relationships. Maybe you'll wise up some day.
Not only his but what about his mother’s lack of consideration. I am sorry about all his loss but if he isn’t careful he may loose a lot more.
If he’s really going with his mother why did he lie about it being sold out? Why doesn’t he want to be with you and his children on Christmas? This isn’t a sustainable relationship honestly…he comes and goes as he pleases and you wait around for him?
This is not something that is ok for a husband to do to his wife and kids. He's not behaving at all well and I think it's fairly clear that he's not invested in the family he created. Sorry.
NTA! Wow! What an awkward uncomfortable situation for you to be in. As if you didn’t already have all this baggage that you naturally accept from your partner with him, losing close family members, but it’s still a lot on you and your kids.
I understand how your mother-in-law wants to cling to her son her only child left, but I think there’s a part of her there should be one to cling to those grandkids just as much. I know that would be the choice for me to have them with me also. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, especially around the holidays. I hope you can all work past it and maybe in the future it be handled better.
NTA. You need to seriously rethink whether or not this relationship is worth “working it out”. Because it is abundantly clear he doesn’t think so.
NTA. I suspect he’s been doing this kinda behavior throughout your entire marriage. What do you mean YOU’LL find a way financially for you and the kids to make the cruise. WTF isn’t he contributing and wanting to spend Xmas with his own kids. He’s not a sperm donor, he’s a father. He’s allowed to be upset but he’s not allowed to be neglectful. That’s not how parenting works.
Have you considered therapy for yourself? Because I suspect, if you unpacked your entire marriage, you’d come to the conclusion he’s had total disregard for you and the kids a few times over. Oh and his mother sure sounds like a piece of work.